Secret Spot

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Thanks everyone for the reviews! I'm going to edit it some but the entries are due tonight and the time completely flew by! I didn't realize the contest was coming up so fast so I didn't realize that I had so little time to edit. This is the final draft.

Secret Spot

Sierra rode along the beautiful ridges of her family’s Colorado ranch. Her horse, Misty, trotted calmly over the rocky patches. Sierra had been riding all over this land for as long as she could remember. It was a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud in the vast sky stretching from one end of the earth to the other. Sierra knew that no other landscape she would ever lay eyes on could ever compare to the breathtaking beauty of her sky.

Misty snorted and Sierra glanced around. She knew that anything that troubled her mare was worth checking into, but she didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. This section of trail didn’t look any different from the rest. It was a well-traveled deer trail, worn slightly wider by Misty’s hooves. Thick grass, dried brown from the baking summer sun, surrounded the trail on either side. Sierrra clucked to her mount and gave her a nudge. Misty nickered and sidestepped in answer. She pulled her horse to a stop and looked closer at the grass. Sierra had learned a long time ago that a horse’s instincts were much stronger than her own and when Misty told her that something was troubling her, it was time to listen.

With a loud growl, a mountain lion leapt out of the grass. The hungry cat launched itself at the startled girl and horse. Misty swung her hindquarters around and in one smooth movement was off to a flying start. Sierra twined her fingers through the flying horse’s mane and settled in for the ride. It wasn’t anything like their usual gallops. Misty moved with amazing speed over the treacherous ground. Sierra wasn’t concerned, if anyone could keep their footing over this ground it was Misty.
It was several minutes before Misty began to slow and Sierra soothed her with a hand on her neck as she began to lightly pull on the reins. When she slowed to a walk, Sierra sat back up and looked around. She had never been in this part of the canyon before.

They weren’t on any path anymore. Nothing was familiar. Not the trees nestled more closely together than usual, not the patch of grass Misty was now pawing up with her restless hooves, not even the rocky slope leading into a small valley just yards away.

Sierra sighed “Where are we girl?” she asked her mount, who didn’t answer. Not that Sierra expected her to.

Sierra clucked and gave Misty a squeeze with her heels. She wasn’t going to find her way home just standing here and she might as well explore this new canyon while she was at it. It was a canyon a lot like most of those she had explored before, but also different somehow. The air had an almost…magical quality to it. The trees and grass, however, felt feral. Like a place that’s been left to its own devices for centuries. Sierra had a strange feeling that she was invading some sort of secret hideaway. The trees whispered in the wind and it sounded like they were whispering to each other, as if they knew someone was here that shouldn’t be.

Misty began to prance like a young filly in spring as if she could sense the magic that drifted through this strange place like a breeze on a summer day. Sierra nudged her forward into a trot, eager to be gone from this strange place. Misty moved, but her stride was strangely rough as if she was bouncing over the ground. This worried Sierra more than anything. Misty hadn’t acted like this in years; it was as if she was a spunky 3-year old again.

Misty broke into a canter and entered the thick grove of trees. Sierra hadn’t seen many groves of trees anywhere on her parent’s ranch before and this one was definitely the largest. Misty weaved expertly through the trees as if she knew where she was going. Sierra just let her go until she halted suddenly.

They were on the edge of a small clearing. If the currents of “magic” traveling through the woods had been rivers this would’ve been the ocean. Something about it set Sierra breathless and she didn’t think it was the beauty of the place. While the clearing certainly was gorgeous, with its thick green grass, wildflowers, and speckled sunlight, beauty didn’t describe the strange feeling that Sierra had about the place. Misty pranced excitedly and pulled on the reins, eager to move into the clearing. Sierra held her back, reluctant to enter the strange place. Half of her wanted to check it out more than anything, almost like the clearing was calling her name as clear as glass. Her other, more sensible half was screaming warnings and pulling her back the way they had come, back home. But Sierra didn’t want to go home, she wanted to stay here.

Sierra didn’t know how long she sat there, fighting an internal battle. Misty seemed to know exactly what she wanted and eventually Sierra decided to oblige. Loosening the reins, Sierra allowed Misty to prance into the valley. The moment the sunlight touched her tan skin, she felt warmth spread all the way to her toes. All doubts gone, Sierra felt…calm. There was no other word for it. Misty tried to put her head down to sniff the grass, another trick she hadn’t tried to pull in years. Sierra laughed and swung off. The grass flattened under the weight of her riding boots with a soft sound not unlike a crunch.
Sierra slipped Misty’s bridle off and replaced it with a halter before loosening the girth a few holes so the mare could relax. She took the picket out of her pack and picketed Misty at the center of the meadow. Even though Misty would never roam far, Sierra always tied her, just in case.

Once that was done, Sierra allowed herself to explore the clearing a little more thoroughly. Flowers interspersed themselves with the beautiful grasses and the trees surrounded the clearing like a fence protecting it from dangers. A soft breeze blew through the trees making the leaves whisper as if the they were trying to speak to her. A bird, intent on its daily business, flew from tree to tree in search of food. Sierra sighed and collapsed backwards in the grass. It wasn’t at all prickly like she suspected, it was soft.

Hours later, as the sun began its descent and darkness crept up on the land, Sierra hauled herself to her feet. She put the bridle back on Misty and tightened the girth. Her dad would be worried if she wasn’t home by dark. Regretting her decision to forgo an overnight stay in the canyons in favor of a nice quiet trail ride, Sierra swung up and headed out of the clearing. The trees seemed to wave good-bye as she turned her back on that little grove. Misty cantered easily over the ground and soon Sierra began to notice landmarks. The big rock shaped like an arrowhead, the two trees that had slowly grown into one over the years, and finally the creek that led the way back to the ranch.

As the pasture fences and barns came into sight, Sierra wondered for the first time if she should tell her parents about the clearing. The place seemed so untouched, so secretive, and Sierra felt that it wasn’t her secret to share. It was a place that one could only be invited to, a magical place that shouldn’t be touched by unwelcome visitors. The clearing had blessed her today and she didn’t want to betray its trust. She’d return someday, someday soon, but it would be her alone unless someone else was called by its magic.
Last edited by Horserider on Sun Mar 01, 2009 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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This needs something, but I'm not sure what. It's good, but it could be a lot better. It's kind of in the middle as far as stories go, it's waiting to take off. So you should take it somewhere. I think that's my advice. Go deeper. Lead us down the trail into this canyon, instead of telling us that it's kind of magical and Sierra stumbled upon it.

This needs some weight. Don't be afraid to roll with it, you're the author.

I'd cut out the mountain lion in the beginning too. It's random.
As far as the good stuff goes, I like your writing. You know how to put the words together, you know how to continue the piece and give it some good length. This isn't bad at all, it's pretty good.

It's waiting for you to really run with it.




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Hi Horserider

This is a really nice start. You writing is strong, and your narration is sound.

I'm not really sure of the effect that you're trying to create here with the magical canyon. While I understand that you might want it to read dryly, I would suggest a little more narration. Show physical signs of magic rather than merely telling us it's magical as it is difficult for us to imagine your idea of this "magic" without you explaining this to us.

Connected to the above, is the fact that I feel overwhelmed by your Sierra's thoughts, even if they are sometimes conveyed by her talking to Misty, or even her own actions. Besides this, I also find your narration to be slightly dry, with little showing and quite a lot of telling. Now, despite the fact that it is sometimes effective to tell as opposed to show, I think your story would be better with a little showing.

You write really well, and I hope this review helps you improve.:)

Have a good one ;)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Yeah!! I'm so excited about reviewing this piece. I really enjoyed reading it and definitely want to read more. So, I am going to be brutally honest and a little nit pikcy, but that's what I do. The story is good, you obviously have a talent for writing. But this piece needs work. Nothing drastic, just some tweaking. So onto the review.


Sierra rode along the beautiful ridges of her family’s Colorado ranch. Her horse, Misty, trotted calmly over the rocky patches. Sierra had been riding all over these ridges for as long as she could remember. It was a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud in the vast sky [s]stretching from one end of the earth to the other[/s]. Sierra knew that no other landscape she would ever lay eyes on could ever compare to the breathtaking beauty of her sky.


My biggest pet peeve is redundancies. Using a word more than once in the same paragraph really irks me for some reason. I notice it before grammar or flow or any of that stuff. One of the ridges can be replaced with crest or hills or rolling pastures. The second sky sounds awkward and I would replace it with view or scenery.

Misty snorted and Sierra glanced around. She knew that anything that troubled her mare was worth checking into, but she didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. This section of trail didn’t look any different from the rest. It was a well-traveled deer trail, worn slightly wider by Misty’s hooves. Thick grass, dried brown from the [s]baking[/s] summer sun, surrounded the trail on either side.


Here I want to hear Sierra talking to her horse, comforting her. What color is the mare? Auburn with a black mane? What type of horse is it? Give us information about Misty, without a complete info dump, so that we can grow attached to not only the protagonist but her pet also.

With a loud growl, a mountain lion leapt out of the grass. The hungry cat launched itself at the startled girl and horse. Misty swung her hindquarters around and in one smooth movement was off to a flying start. Sierra twined her fingers through the flying horse’s (insert color of horse's mane here) mane and settled in for the ride. [s]It wasn’t anything like their usual gallops.[/s] Misty moved with amazing speed over the treacherous ground.


Bushes sounds better than grass. Grass is once again getting redundant, and a mountain lion can hide better in a bush. Also I think the horse should rear up before she swings out of the way of the mountain lion's claws. Settled in sounds a little reserved for a girl riding a horse that is taking off at break-neck speed. I'd have her holding on with all her might, half-dazed.

Finally, Misty began to slow and Sierra soothed her with a hand on her neck as she began to lightly pull on the reins. When she slowed to a walk, Sierra sat back up and looked around. She had never been in this part of the canyon before.


Okay so she just escaped being a Mountain lion's dinner, I'd expect her to be breathing heavily, making sure the lion was no where nearby, you know, making sure Misty is 100 percent okay. I think the change in scenery would be an afterthought more than anything.

They weren’t on any path anymore. Nothing was familiar. Not the trees nestled more closely together than usual, not the patch of grass Misty was now pawing up with her restless hooves, not even the rocky slope leading into a small valley just yards away.


This whole paragraph is redundant. Just the sentence before you say that she had never been in that part of the canyon before, so obviously nothing is going to be familiar, she hasn't been there before!! Honestly, I'd get rid of this whole paragraph. It adds nothing to the story so it won't be missed.

Sierra sighed. “Where are we girl?” she asked her mount[s], who didn’t answer[/s]. [s]Not that Sierra expected her to. [/s]


Missing a period in there. Keep it simple.

Sierra clucked and gave Misty a squeeze with her heels. She wasn’t going to find her way home just standing here and she might as well explore this new canyon while she was at it.


Second time you have used clucked, I would just rewrite the sentence to read:
Sierra gave Misty a squeeze with her heels.
Also I totally hate the last sentence. You're telling the reader what she is doing and why. It's like telling someone how to scramble an egg. It's boring. Have her drawn into the canyon by some unexplainable force.
Sierra felt drawn to the canyon, as if someone or something beckoned her in.


It was a canyon a lot like most of those she had explored before[s], but also different somehow[/s]. The air had an almost…magical quality to it. The trees and grass, however, felt feral. Like a place that’s been left to its own devices for centuries. Sierra had a strange feeling that she was invading some sort of secret hideaway. The trees whispered in the wind and it sounded like they were whispering to each other, as if they knew someone was there that shouldn’t be.


Canyon can be replaced with: gorge, valley, ravine, chasm, gully, or rift. I like the way you describe the trees and grass being untamed, but I don't like how the sentence is worded. I kind of stumbled over the sentence when I read it. Whispering could be replaced with murmuring or even gossiping.

Misty began to prance like a young filly in spring as if she could sense the magic that drifted through this strange place like a breeze on a summer day. Sierra nudged her forward into a trot, eager to be gone from this strange place. Misty moved, but her stride was strangely rough as if she was bouncing over the ground. This worried Sierra more than anything. Misty hadn’t acted like this in years; it was as if she was a spunky 3-year old again.


Strange how you can use strange so much in one paragraph. Strange can be replaced with a number of words like: odd, queer, peculiar, bizarre, weird, extraordinary, foreign, or mysterious.

Suddenly, Misty broke into a canter and entered a thick grove of trees. Sierra hadn’t seen many groves of trees anywhere on her parent’s ranch before and this one was definitely the largest. Misty weaved expertly through the trees as if she knew where she was going. Sierra just let her go until she halted suddenly.


I apologize, I'm sure my nitpicks about redundancies are probably getting...well, redundant. Suddenly: abruptly, unexpectedly, rapidly, swiftly. Grove: Copse, wood, forest, thicket.


They were on the edge of a small clearing. If the currents of “magic” traveling through the woods had been rivers this would’ve been the ocean. Something about it set Sierra breathless and she didn’t think it was the beauty of the place. While the clearing certainly was gorgeous, with its thick green grass, wildflowers, and speckled sunlight, beauty didn’t describe the strange feeling that Sierra had about the place. Misty pranced excitedly and pulled on the reins, eager to move into the clearing. Sierra held her back, reluctant to enter the strange place. Half of her wanted to check it out more than anything, almost like the clearing was calling her name as clear as glass. Her other, more sensible half was screaming warnings and pulling her back the way they had come, back home. But Sierra didn’t want to go home, she wanted to stay here.


Set, I think, should be made. Clearing: This one is tough. You could use area, enclosure, maybe even aclove. And we already went over the options for strange.

All doubts gone, Sierra felt…calm. [s]There was no other word for it[/s]. Misty tried to put her head down to sniff the grass, another trick she hadn’t tried to pull in years. Sierra laughed and swung off. The grass flattened under the weight of her riding boots with a soft sound[s] not unlike a crunch[/s].


Sierra slipped Misty’s bridle off and replaced it with a halter before loosening the girth a few holes so the mare could relax. She took the picket out of her pack and picketed Misty at the center of the meadow. Even though Misty would never roam far, Sierra always picketed her, just in case.


I liked this paragraph because it showed us that Sierra was experienced with the horse and it also showed us a bit of Misty's personality. Good job!

[s]Once that was done,[/s] Sierra allowed herself to explore the clearing a little more thoroughly. Flowers interspersed themselves with the beautiful grasses and the trees surrounded the clearing like a fence protecting it from dangers. [s]A soft breeze blew through the trees making the leaves whisper as if the trees were trying to speak to her.[/s] A bird, intent on its daily business, flew from tree to tree in search of food. Sierra sighed and collapsed backwards in the grass. It wasn’t at all prickly like she had suspected[s], it was soft[/s].


What are her thoughts as she lays here in this magical place? What does she wonder about? Is she thinking about her family? The race away from the Mountain Lion? Is she deep, does she think about the meaning of life or why she has ended up in this place? Does she think about school and friends, or stresses and worries in her life? I want inside her head. I want this secret spot to be her sanctuary, where she just lets it all out. Where she can really be herself. I want to know Sierra intimately, as if I were her best friend and she is letting out all of her darkest secrets.


Hours later, as the sun began its descent and darkness crept up on the land, Sierra hauled herself to her feet. She put the bridle back on Misty and tightened the girth. Her dad would be worried if she wasn’t home by dark. [s]Regretting her decision to forego an overnight stay in the canyons in favor of a nice quiet trail ride,[/s] Sierra swung up and headed out of the clearing. The trees seemed to wave good-bye as she turned her back on that little grove. Misty cantered easily over the ground and soon Sierra began to notice landmarks. The big rock shaped like an arrowhead, the two trees that had slowly grown into one over the years, and finally the creek that led the way back to the ranch.


This paragraph is wonderful, I must say. The only thing I would change is I would turn darkness into dusk.

The place seemed so untouched, so secretive, and Sierra felt that it wasn’t her secret to share. It was a place that one could only be invited to, a magical place that shouldn’t be touched by unwelcome visitors. The clearing had blessed her today and she didn’t want to betray it's trust. She’d return someday, someday soon, but it would be her's alone unless someone else was called by its magic.


Secretive=Mysterious. Magical=Enchanted or Supernatural. Place=World. The Clearing=Her Sanctuary.


Well, that's it. I hope I was of assistance. Definitely PM me if you add any more, I'd LOVE to read it and give you my input. Happy Trails!
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.




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Hiya Horserider!

Since I am now finished the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^

I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.

Element: Not so much an element, but Nature itself. I would have liked to see more emphesis on the whole thing, like how it wasn't her secret to give away. The whole "glen scene" was a bit underdeveloped in my opinion. It needed a touch more magic, if you get what I mean. ;)

Originality: A very good idea! I liked how you had both a horse and a person in here. The glen was a bit plane, but other then that it was good.

Structure: You could stand to make this less rushed. Each element is given strait, without much emotion to the whole thing. Wouldn't she be freaked if her horse bolted? What feeling did she have when she was about to talk about the glade? The whole thing would have done well with more emotion. ;)

You have some very original ideas here, and I just loved the way you talked about horses. I've done some ridding myself, and I can get such a deep bond. I'd like to see you write more stories with them!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



i think once every new ywser realizes they can manifest themselves into the quote gen by making a post about the quote gen, they make a very inconspicuous post about the quote gen, but deep in their hearts, they know they’ll see that post at the bottom of the page one day. (yeah, i see you mods. you brought this upon us)
— Avian