Pleading to a Wet Sun

Wow! There's nothing to say other than I am amazed by this poem! It was really really well written! Everything flowed nicely, and was described to a T.

Try...light.

Good job, I'd love to read more of your poems.

-Avery. (:

Hey Galerius! Here by request.

Sleep cocooned like a dew dancing among leaves

Can you have "a dew" in the same way as "a water"? Neither make sense, but you can have "a droplet of dew". That disrupts the flow, so maybe just get rid of the "a". I'm also wondering how sleep can be described to be like dew, I just don't get the imagery. Nice simile, but not sure.

due droplet

= "dew"

Wow. I adored that poem. It was one that I didn't get much first read through, but the second time, I more or less fell in love with it. Parts were very abstract, and they played to your benefit I think, but the repetition for the line "And know that where you will dance like a due droplet" threw me. I didn't really understand that line to "eyes will reach yours", mostly because its meaning is something I cannot find. Be sure to make that part a bit clearer, if you can.

I'm at a loss for what to say, which can't be a good sign for me. But it's a good one for you. Because the words flowed brilliantly, and it's a meaning that doesn't lay on the top but with some rummaging through you can come to a conclusion. One thing I did feel, however, was that a lot of the imagery jut reinforced another, and a lot of your descriptions said the same thing. For example, a fresh book and morning due are both new, they are virgins to their worlds, but then you went on to say about horses racing and I didn't quite follow because it seems to contrast the fresh atmosphere you built up before. Again, make the meaning a bit clearer with a little more unification.

I don't have a whole lot more to say, so sorry about that! But overall, I thought that this was a fantastic poem, and keep up the good work!

Best
Blinky

Hi, here is your review on demand.
>>I have to say thst you have some beutiful imagry in this poem, you have descriptions far better than I could come up with. Clap clap for that. but sadly, that is where the praise ends.
>>Am I wrong to understand the meaning of 'lyric poetry' as a song that rhymes like a poem? I would say not, but that's just me
>>I couldn't geta rhythm flowing t all ofor this, and none of the versus rhymed. The alternating lined each have different numbers of syalbells, and I think that is why I don't like it.
>>It may just be personal opinion, but i think that you are way too into the science of it to actually care about the poem. For me, it had to rhyme for it to be poetry, and although your ideas of science, what with the corneas and cosmosi and such, you seem to have missed the point.
>>I couldn't decipher what your poem meant, and i think that means that you fail. But only for this poem!
>>As a song, you have to have a clear rhytm all the way through, wich I couldn't ever do, but you might be able to with a little more parctice. I got a beat going in my head, and the it was changed soo after, so what I wan't your next poem to be concentrating on is the tune. Make sure that there is a defining tune all the way through, and you'll get there!
>> Overall, i think that you focused too much on using big and scientific words than you did on the structure of the poem, but you had beutifull imagry, may i suggest you try descriptive writing? You seem to have a knack for it!

-Asxz

Hi there,

gee, I'm sorry it took my such a long time to get to this. Hope still want some feedback.

One thing that consumed a lot of time was my not knowing a whole bunch of the words you used, so I had to look them all up in order to understand all of it. I'm preatty impressed with your vocabulary.

Hey, Galerius. I'm really sorry it took this long, but I'm finally here as you requested.

The first stanza, I think, is wonderful. It sets the tone for the poem, very calm and soothing, and there's some great imagery in there as well. However, I agree with Blink about the first line - I don't think a dew dancing works. And due in the third line should be dew, right?

The second bit is a little odd, just the way the first line connects with the last bit of the first stanza. Without the line breaks:

And know that where you will dance like a due droplet of oceanic sunlight, drizzled away through your corneas, they shall be of light, and our eyes will reach yours.

At first, I read it as the they referring to the corneas, but now that I read it without the line breaks, it could also refer to the dew droplet, but in that case it would be it. But if it is referring to the corneas, then it's not a full sentence, and it doesn't...really...work. In my opinion. Maybe I'm being dense.

I absolutely adore the rest of the poem. I really do. In the very last part, of course, the ands are not capitalized, which they would be if you were going for great grammar, but I think the noncapitalization actually works here - if you are worried about it, the periods could become commas, but then I wouldn't like it as much.

I had to read it twice to understand it, really, but even the first time I did get the wonderful calmness and sleepy tone that I mentioned above, and it certainly fits the content, and this is really amazing. Not even close to a fail.

Sorry I couldn't be harsh, like you asked, but I hope this helped anyway!
-Mars

Amazing work! I love the way the poem started out and ended. There was some sort of atmosphere around it that really made it a good piece. It's very serene and enjoyable. I cannot find any fault with it.

Good work, keep it up! ^^

In time where we have billboards for love and Japanese cars
It ain't uncommon for the streetlight to call themselves stars
Where the more you learn the more you can cheat
Its nice to see a poet with his boots and his feet.
-Joe Pug (mostly)

I am ashamed to say that I can't really see to many aesthetic or structural problems in the poem. I'm sure if we were allowed serious nit picky reviews, full of pipsqueak criticism I could find something to say, but seeing as things are as they are, I enjoyed your poem immensely.

I think you may be one of the few people on this site that could have enough talent in their pen to write with any sort of artistic value and significance. Perhaps the last pleasure and meaning that can be wrought from this site for me is watching your poetry blossom, and I implore you to keep it up. Keep it right up.

Hey Galerius, here as requested. Sorry it took so long. I really, truly adored this poem, indeed I probably use that line too much but seriously, I loved it. Now, let's review the actual poem then go on to comments:

Sleep ...leaves

Blink made an extremely valid point about there being no such thing as "a dew", droplet of dew doesn't flow either though, so how about dewdrop?

It is not a womb, but just as soft, and just as dark.

And ...droplet

dew not due. Unless you mean a something is due, as in expected to come, which I don't think you mean. Also, I think you mean there instead of where, it seems to be more fitting.

of ... corneas,

Wonderful, wonderful imagery.

They... light.

I honestly cannot express how incredible your imagery is, and it's not just normal imagery, it's my favourite type - abstract imagery

You ...be)

I'd nix the part in brackets, but that's just a matter of personal opinion.

and ...
Please

I'd nix the please.

spread ... heart.

Okay, I'm off for dinner, but I'll be back soon with a review. xD

Okay, at first I thought this poem was about a dreamer, the books &c. This was furthered by the line that reads "of the beasts will electrify only your flesh and its carriers", the only in this line indicated to me that the person was a dreamer, and that they were dreaming of people on horses &c. The talk of supernovas and such also made me consider this theory, as stars are related to dreaming. However, I don't think I'm correct, I think perhaps the dreaming represents something in this poem. Everything signifies something in this poem. I like that philosophical poems are my favourite form of literature, at least one of my favourites. I think this poem also represents the gathering of strength, at least it seems to indicate that to me. The use of the remember, you are a novel set about me an air of inspiration. I'm probably completely wrong though, so...

The atmosphere
Gosh, the atmosphere in this poem almost made me cry, it was utterly beautiful. Something rare in modern poetry, it reeked depth and meaning. It feels so precarious, like it's about to tip over at any moment, and everything's going to disappear, quite like a dreamer's ideologies, not sure if that's how you spell it or not. Anyway, back to my point. The atmosphere, honestly it is amazing, one of the best I have encountered, ever. As Mars said it has an air of serenity about it, one that is equally beautiful and effective. The atmosphere to me feels like it could fall over at any given time, which, in effect, gives anticipation and a reason to read on. For the atmosphere alone, I would read this poem over and over again.

Prose
Truly beautiful. One of the most beautiful that I've read for a while. You have a way of choosing words that so perfectly match what you wish to portray. Of course, the imagery contributes to this as well. The abstract-ness, is that a word? Of your imagery is incredible. Abstract imagery is my favourite type, really, it's rather amazing.

Philosophy
As I've mentioned previously I adore philosophy in poems. Yours evidently holds the quality, that of possessing truth and meaning. The lines of your poem hold truth and meaning, thoughts and beliefs. Well done


Anyway, I really enjoyed this poem. It was great, as for constructive criticism I don't really have any, sorry, but your poem is too good to offer constructive reviews, instead we just have to praise you.

~Kirsten

Hey Galerius! Are you really ten? Ten-year-olds don't write like this. XD

Is the "due" in stanza I, line iii supposed to be "dew" (the stuff you find on leaves in the morning) or "due" (the verb)? It's rather hard to tell, it would be good to know which you intended. I know people make mistakes like that all the time.

My biggest complaint here is the lack of unity and general clutter. You seem to have a penchant for tons of imagery, which is by no means a bad thing -- you just cast your net a little too big, if I may.

Like Blinky said, you've got the whole book / dew thing going on, and then... horses.

♫ one of these things is not like the other... ♪

It's kind of like a slap in the face to the readers, you know? I get that you bring the thing to light in the second to last stanzas, but that's it. In a poem with a wonderful atmosphere and flow, there's just suddenly horses! And then the horses are gone, and it's like they weren't there in the first place, which begs the question: Why the horses in the first place?

While I'm ranting on about this, let's get to the fact that some of your imagery just doesn't make sense.

Never ...fruit.

I read that five minutes ago and I'm still scratching my head over it. Moreover, it takes my attention away from the rest of the poem. I'm still stuck on that phrase as I finish the poem, muddling the rest of it.

Please...solid.

I get your whole "abstract--pretty words" style, but lolwhat? You're confusing. It's just too much.

Dream ... silence.

I have a problem with this word. It sticks out like a sore thumb. You use mostly 'natural' words up until now, and it just doesn't work.

Too long, didn't read: You're pretty good for writing, now start on your editing skills. You've got so much here it's nauseating! Try not to overwhelm your reader. I encountered this problem with your contest entry. Take away some of your wordiness and give the rest room to grow and stretch to its full extent.

Also, while your words are pretty, I'm confused after I finish the poem. Why? Because I was overloaded with pretty and that's about it. My impression is a toddler sleeping in a carriage, but... that's it. No indication to narrator (father?), their circumstance, anything. It leaves a lot to be desired.

Could you tell me what your inspiration was? I think that would help me understand you a little bit better here. Author's notes are not evil things. ^_^

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or would like another critique.
~Sumi

Hello, Galerius. Finally here, as you wanted, sorry for the longish wait.

I won't bore you with saying everything that other people ave already said, so I try to think of something else.

to ...one,

With poems, I feel like too many commas disturb the flow and make the tone hurrying, which we don't want if it's not meant to be. If you need to have the 'just one' in it, I'd suggest putting it between dashes. The line could work without the whole thing, though. Oh, and 'wake to dream' is a wonderful expression, good job with that.

Try...ocean,

Lovely. Lovely. Perhaps my favourite line in the poem. 'Every star in the ocean' is a great image, because everyone knows 'every star on the sky' or 'every drop in the ocean' are somewhat clichées, but this isn't, because it's just very witty to combine them.

only ...ink

Maybe you'd better think of other word for 'drizzled', since you already used that one.

You ...born.

This is a bit the same thing than with the 'just you'. I don't quite like the first 'like a wave', it's somewhat disturbing, but it's not a bad choice to leave it be. It's up to you.

Little ...be)

Again, I'd prefer dashes to brackets.

and ...heart.

You really can't have an uncapitalized letter after a period, so maybe just get it off.


So, all in all, this was very pretty and polished. Just be careful with all the prettiness – if there's too much of it, the reader will lose interest, and that's not a good thing. Although imagery is important in poems, you also need to focus on the main point. The reader must be able to get what the poem is about – though, of course, it can't be too obvious. (Then again, there are people too impatience to even try to understand poems, and they won't ever success in them.)

But you're a fine writer, so just keep writing! Which I'm sure you will.

Thanks for the read,


Demeter
xxx