One big, not-so-happy family.

You breeze through our doors
like you belong here,
with your red lipstick
and high heels.
Your hairstyle’s too modern;
you’re not eighteen anymore.
Sorry, hun;
you’re forty-two.
Forty-two, yes I know,
because Daddy Dearest always tells me
how you were a grade apart in high school.
You were the freshman,
he was the sophomore.
He always tells me
how he never knew
anything about you.
Then he met my mom,
got married,
two kids,
divorced.
But fatefully, you reunited –
oh yes, so fatefully –
and Cupid struck.
The lonely wallflower,
meets high school MVP.
Together after so many years
of searching the waters
for ‘other fish in the sea’.
Now Mom’s out of the picture.
It’s just ‘Poppa Bear’
and the Replacement.
One big happy family.
Right?

Wrong.

Hi, fragile_heart.

I absolutely love this piece because of its sincerity; it speaks the truth straight from the depths of the heart. The language is simple and matter-of-fact, but conveys the bitterness the persona feels perfectly. I especially loved this bit:

The lonely wallflower,
meets high school MVP.
Together after so many years
of searching the waters
for ‘other fish in the sea’.

The way you create the stronger rhythm by using the rhyme of "MVP" with "fish in the sea" is particularly good. It quickens up the pace of the poem to the abrupt and sudden end.

However, I do think that from that point onwards, the strong rhyme and rhythm could be continued, along with some assonance and alliteration, to really show the reader how angry and bitter the persona is. Perhaps some plosive language would be effective in your poem. For example, "Brand, burn up, bite into its grace - he is sure to remember her dying face!" from Robert Browning's The Laboratory really conveys how the woman wants to get revenge on her lover's mistress. The 'b' sounds are very violent and the dash adds drama.

All in all, I very much like this poem and I think you've done a wonderful job with the story you tell.

Best wishes in your writing!

~ timeless

Oh, and I forgot - you get a gold star for writing such a fantastic poem! *smiles*

Wow, I am absolutely speechless...This is amazing and conveys the feelings of the writer soo well...The only two nitpicks I really had with this were the lines :

Sorry, hun;

I didn't really understand why the writer would call her such...I mean isn't the writer supposed to be younger? This might just be me, so feel free to ignore this completely

The lonely wallflower,

meets high school MVP.

I would put a "the" before high school...
I loved the last part where you called her the "replacement"...It's the perfect way to describe the way one feels about a step-mom....
Great job on this and gold star for you!!
fluteluvr77<3

Hiya Fragile!

because daddy dearest always

Since you are referring to a specific person, capitalize "daddy," possibly "dearest" as well.

I agree with fluteluvr77 about adding "the" in front of "high school MVP."

The major comment I have here is to expand the section between "and high heels" and "Sorry, hun;" to really make us loath this woman. Say more stuff about what doesn't fit with your family, any annoying habits, ect. This is a poem where the whole theme is not liking Her. Run with it!

I really liked the tone, flow and word-choice here. Even though things don't rhyme, it fits together nicely.

PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

wow, I really liked that. It had lot's of good rhyming most of the time. Very good flow too. But I actually don't think you need to add "the" before "high school MVP" I think that if you did it might throw the flow of the poem off just slightly, so personally I like it the way that it is.

I thought this poem was very well written. It tells a complete feeling and story wothout being too long. It stays to the point. Also the poem gives you a great mental picture. The only part i didn't like was
[quote]oh yes, so fatefully –

I don't really know why but it to me seems that to use fatefully twice here doesn't fit. But hey! I am probably wrong! All over loved it!

oops i used the quote thing wrong I am sorry!

Hey Fragile! June here!

Surprisingly, I don't remember ever reviewing you. Maybe it's just my bad memory, or maybe I never did it. Either way, let's get on with the review of this great poem!

One word: Fabulous.

I liked the tone, the setting-- everything just fell nicely into place.

I would suggest breaking the poem up to appear as stanzas, dear. It's a little easier on our eyes, and it's not as hard to take in when it's in stanzas. Nevertheless, it's not taking much from your poem.

Your hairstyle’s too modern;

you’re not eighteen anymore.

Sorry, hun;

you’re forty-two.

I think that after the second line here, you could elaborate more about her. Does she dress like she's eighteen, too? Does she wear strong perfume? What are the characteristics about her that you don't like most?

Now, to make a poem, you don't have to include all of those details, but, I think that in describing her, you can go all out and give us the most description as possible. You obviously don't like her, so you want to give us enough to make us go, "Ugh, I don't like her either."

Forty-two, yes I know,

because daddy dearest always tells me

how you were a grade apart in high school.

Briiiing on the commas!

Comma after because, Comma after me in the second line, dear.

and the Replacement.

Hm, if Poppa bear was in quotation marks, why isn't replacement distinguished by anything other than a capital letter R?

Also! That 'wrong' at the very end of your poem would look a lot better if it were in italics. Bolded letters are often for titles and corrections, dear. Poets don't like to use them in poetry, unless they're going funky with the structure.


Anyway! I liked this alot. It was perfect-- read smoothly. I just wanted to know more about "replacement" so that I can fully dislike her. Not that I like her as it stands... but still. I think you get the picture.

Just think a little on punctuation. It bothers alot of people and seems difficult at first glance-- but it isn't all that hard, dear. Where you want a pause, but a comma. Where you want a pause, followed by a change in ideas, put a semicolon. Full stop? Period.

Keep it up! It was an immensely enjoyable read!

June

Hi fragile_heart!

Firstly I would like to thank you for reviewing my piece 'This Is What I Wish I Could Say To You' I really appreciate you taking the time!

Second of all: Your poem!

I really loved it. You managed to give it a sophisticated sarcastic and almost humorous tone, but at the same time it was full of emotion.

I can't really pick out anything too detailed as poetry isn't my strong point (thought I wish it was, which only makes me admire this piece even more!) and the few things I would have picked out have been picked out already.

But as an overall impression I thought it was fantastic! Gold Star!
It's also something I feel I can connect with and you really struck something with me there. Funnily enough- it's the same situation between my mum and the guy I wrote about in my piece. They knew each other in sixth form (which I think is the equivalent of the last two years of high school).

I'm very sorry for your situation. It so frustrating because there's so little you can do to change it and I really sympathize with you. Please feel free PM me anytime if you need to talk about anything.

Sofi.

Wow, I see a lot of depth in this. I can tell the mix of feelings, a little disgust and hate in this poem. The topic you were writing about you have a vast amount of passion for. Bravo!

You breeze through our doors

like you belong here,

with your red lipstick

and high heels.

Your hairstyle’s too modern;

Really describes the way she is and helps the reader get a picture of her before you go into the rest of the explanation.
The story is so boy meets girl, but with the twist of " the other girl "
Good job I really like this can't wait for more
loves

I love how you described her as a replacement, it's a good way of looking at things. I really like how time goes in this poem. I think maybe you could add the in front of high school mvp and I;m not sure if the line oh yes, so fatefully really needs to be there. I really like the way you address your stepmother if you had said "she" instead it wouldn't be as meaningful, which it definitely i now.