Transfusion

Transfusion

A dull flood of crimson paint
Flows into the plastic tubes
That connects you to robots
Who whirr away silently and
A silent lull of burgundy wine
Flushes your beautiful cheeks
Which heat under my touch
When I warmed your smiling lips as I
Breathe oxygen to your skin
Your heart beat faster away
The white coats and metal
Chinked away and they clipped
And sewed and fastened all day
Through to the night and to the next morn
Where they thought you were saved but no! You were not
And your heart beat to the moon where it
Fluttered and flew away,
Away.

Hi there Timeless! Welcome to YWS! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you.

Such a touching poem with so much emotion and beautiful imagery in it!

Okay! When I first read this I got kind of confused because of your tenses. At the beginning, you're using present tense, as if it's happening right now, but! As we come to the later lines of this poem, they are past tense, as if they happened already.

In poetry, you have the freedom to bend the rules of writing, but, most often, the earlier of part of the poem should be in past tense, and the later part should/could be in present tense.

I'm saying this because, it sounds like by going "away" the person you're speaking of has passed on; so, in that case, I think it should be in past tense first and then, present tense later on, dear . That's brings us to this:

Which heat under my touch

When I warmed your smiling lips as I

See the tenses? In the first line, you use "heat"-- that's present tense, but in the second line you used warmed. Just keep an eye on those so that you don't confuse your audience, dear.

Moving on.

I can't really describe how beautiful this poem is. It's a strong poem in emotion and in words-- meaning that, it feels sad, but the tone in which it's written is so strong, as if the author of this is just as strong as the words (I hope I'm making sense? )

There isn't much here that I would change, dear. It's rather beautiful and well written. The language is simplistic and clear, but at the same time it has so much power to it-- it's beautiful. Very beautiful.


Keep it up, dear! I look forward to seeing more work from you!

Any questions, feel free to PM me!

(Gold star! Outstanding job!)

June

Hey, June, it's Desmerize. I liked this. In the fourth line though, you have the word "and" before " A silent lull..." and I think it slows it down a bit. Plus a comma should have placed after the "but" and before the "no" in the Fifteenth line.

All in all, i love your poem. And it's really amazing how you got me visualizing that transfusion.

Keep it up-- your great writting , that is.

Oops. I meant Timeless.

Hi timeline, i am Karibbean Diva.

Your poem was ok, but not excllent,

To me it was one line it had little punctuations,

A dull flood of crimson paint
Flows into the plastic tubes
That connects you to robots
Who whirr away silently and
A silent lull of burgundy wine
Flushes your beautiful cheeks
Which heat under my touch
When I warmed your smiling lips as I
Breathe oxygen to your skin
Your heart beat faster away
The white coats and metal
Chinked away and they clipped
And sewed and fastened all day
Through to the night and to the next morn

I really liked how every thing flowed into one another.
I really don’t get the transfusion part about you poem
can you make it a little clearer about why you chose that word for your topic.


Thank you.

To all readers and reviewers so far,

Many thanks for reading and reviewing my work! *smiles* It just makes me happy to know that people read what i've written, no matter what they think of it. I guess that's how all authors and poets feel, though.

And to June,

Yes, I agree. Whilst reading over it, I did think that the tenses got a bit mixed up, but then I thought that it might have added to the confusion that the persona was feeling. I'll take your advice on board for future poems and make sure that the reader understands the chronological order of things. And thank you for your words of encouragement and the gold star!

And to Desmerize,

Excellent point. Yes, removing "and" does move the pace on a bit. I agree with the comma - it's gramatically correct, I think. Grammar freaks! *grins happily* I'm pleased to know that you could visualise the transfusion; I absolutely love to make my readers paint a mental image of the happenings in my work, which is why I'm head over heels for metaphors and similes. And thank you for the encouragement!

And to Karibbean Diva,

Fair enough. I personally omitted a lot of punctuation because I intended to imitate the flow and gush of blood and the continuity of life until the bitter end, and how suffering lasts longer than the full stop at the end of the page, so I'm glad you liked the flow of one thing into one another.

Finally, I chose transfusion for my topic because it summarises the edge between one person and another, with the literal sense of blood being shared as well as standing for how our lives are all intertwined in one way or another. Transfusion also symbolises life and death; life, when you give blood to save another, or death, when a transfusion is needed because of a near-death incident. I hope this clears the topic up for you.

To all readers and reviewers so far,

Many thanks for reading and reviewing my work! *smiles* It just makes me happy to know that people read what i've written, no matter what they think of it. I guess that's how all authors and poets feel, though.

And to June,

Yes, I agree. Whilst reading over it, I did think that the tenses got a bit mixed up, but then I thought that it might have added to the confusion that the persona was feeling. I'll take your advice on board for future poems and make sure that the reader understands the chronological order of things. And thank you for your words of encouragement and the gold star!

And to Desmerize,

Excellent point. Yes, removing "and" does move the pace on a bit. I agree with the comma - it's gramatically correct, I think. Grammar freaks! *grins happiily* I'm pleased to know that you could visualise the transfusion; I absolutely love to make my readers paint a mental image of the happenings in my work, which is why I'm head over heels for metaphors and similes. And thank you for the encouragement!

And to Karibbean Diva,

Fair enough. I personally omitted a lot of punctuation because I intended to imitate the flow and gush of blood and the continuity of life until the bitter end, and how suffering lasts longer than the full stop at the end of the page, so I'm glad you liked the flow of one thing into one another.

Finally, I chose transfusion for my topic because it summarises the edge between one person and another, with the literal sense of blood being shared as well as standing for how our lives are all intertwined in one way or another. Transfusion also symbolises life and death; life, when you give blood to save another, or death, when a transfusion is needed because of a near-death incident. I hope this clears the topic up for you.