Monk Roots

Welcome child, she said to me
A woman's voice struck my ear
Are you living peacfully?
Without hate and without fear?

My throat trembled as I spoke
And this is what I said
Does the egg not accompany the yolk?
Does life not accompany the dead?

I beckoned to her, to listen please
To know that I tried, I really did
Life isn't always so full of ease
Not at all like being a kid

It's full of misery, it's full of pain
It reeks of lies, sin, and loss
She said, it's also of blue sapphire rain
Of forests covered complete in moss

My eyes gleamed at the thought
Memories flew within my mind
Me a monk, so long been taught
Nothing decent could I ever find

The woman's voice began to fade
Her loveliness severed, then I awoke
I found myself by the forest glade
The one of her calling, the one she spoke

Then bones of ancient shook with time
They rumbled the heart of earth
Fumbling through all beat and rhyme
Transmuting knowledge into mirth

A cascade of desires flew from the soil
A rich delight fled my way
Removing all of trouble and of toil
Brightening the very day

Enlightenment had I found
Flourishing from a many fruits
And on this earth, so big and round
I had finally found my monk roots

This is... interesting. I like how you describe things ie... Blue sapphire rain or moss covered forests. It's a little confusing though. Who is the woman? Your rhyming is good though. This is a nice poem good job.

Thanks. The woman can be whomever you want it to be that is divine. Because he is a monk, and the woman appears at the beginning with no explaination. It is thought, that from the words she says she is indeed supernatural. Perhaps it is the deity Cybele speaking, or the Earth Mother of the Maori people. Either way, the woman should be thought of as divine, and all-powerful asking hard questions at the beginning.

Hey Sol! It's June again!


This is quite a beautiful poem. It's rather abstract, and it's weighty-- meaning that it's carrying a lot.

There's not much to change, honestly. So, all I have is a bit of nitpicks for you, dear. Let's begin:

Welcome child, she said to me
A womans voice struck my ear
Are you living peacfully?
Without hate and without fear?

• Because the voice is in possession of the woman, "womans" should be in possessive tense. You can show this by adding a comma, dear. Woman's.

• The proper spelling of peacfully is peacefully; with an e after the c.

Also! You're going to need punctuation throughout this! Try playing with some commas, periods, and semicolons. I won't tell you where to put them-- I'll try to see if you can figure out where to put them. You can PM me to check up on this afterwards .

My throat trembled as I spoke
And this is what I said
Does the egg not accompany the yoke?
Does life not accompany the dead?

• A yoke pertains to a collar sort of thing-- the word you want here is yolk

It's full of misery, it's full of pain
It reeks of lies, sin, and loss
She said, it's also of blue saphire rain
Of forests covered complete in moss

• saphire should be spelled as sapphire; with two p's.

The womans voice began to fade
Her loveliness severed, then I awoke
I found myself by the forest glade
The one of her calling, the one she spoke

• Again; womans should be in possessive; woman's.

Then bones of ancient shook with time
They rumbled the heart of earth
Fumbling through all beat and ryhme
Transmuting knowledge into mirth

• ryhme should be rhyme.

* * *

So! Let's see.

I liked your rhyme scheme. It was somewhat unique-- you didn't use many common words. Meaning that, instead of ending your lines in words that are commonly rhymed, you were able to consistently rhyme without using "flattened" words. However!

It seems forced. I'm not saying that it cannot work, I'm just saying that the way in which it was rhymed felt loose. Like, I felt that in some spots, you sacrificed some quality so that you could rhyme.

Also! Your punctuation. This poem lacked it. Not entirely-- because in some spots you used question marks-- but enough for me to lose the rhythm while reading it.
At first, I was going to insert it for you, but try to revise this first and see if you can find where to insert the commas, semicolons, colons, and periods. It would help a lot.

If you need help, feel free to PM me, dear.


* * * * *

Moving on! I did like this, but some parts left me confused. Like, I couldn't actually relate. Some parts were just too loosely connected-- and that's okay. Sometimes the best poetry is vague, abstract poetry.

Also! Pay attention to your word choice. Take a look:

Welcome child, she said to me

A woman's voice struck my ear

Are you living peacefully?

Without hate and without fear?

See the underlined word? It's too strong.

Sometimes, words have more than one meaning, and sometimes, the meaning pertains to one action more than it can relate to it's other meaning.

I think that the word "struck" is too strong here. It's like, overpowering and dominant-- it's taking away rather than adding to this.

*

On the whole, I really did enjoy this. It was a very nice read, Sol! Keep it up!

June