Split Knuckles

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(A/N: The real title wouldn't fit on the subject line...)

“You Talkin' to Me?”: De Niro's Interrogative Fidelity and Subversion of Masculine Norms

bodies shaped forward, shoulders rolled,
their feet preoccupied with the step and meter
of thrust and strut, a wordless vocabulary
spoken on their faces, honeycombed and
red as a fevered baby.

there is a conservative nervousness,
pale and white, like a bride with cupped feet and lidded eyes,
and so they circle, restless –
a slouched assessment, a mean tailoring,
like men speculating in a used car lot.

the crowd rims
a perfect circle, spelling out
their witching incantation of chant and goad,
low and steady,
a slithery buildup.

all their honor and pride parceled
in one moment, curled fists and confederate bodies
bunched up like pantlegs when you wade
in the cool water, spurred and tight,
mouths compressed.

a left-handed swing, shallow –
ducking, head driven into the spine,
watch the fists, upward and concise.
his mouth smushes like a tick,
a sticky wetness – he falls back, graceless.

eyes mooned and black, scared
like a treed coon. a rise from the crowd.
he stumbles up, touches his mouth,
a grit of chipped teeth and blood,
his spine bowed like a penitent.

cadenced, they fall into it again,
they way men submit to the grind-down of the day,
mindless, their young bodies split and shuddering,
broken mouths, postures huddled,
and the carnival of the crowd.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Points 890
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I really enjoyed reading this. Typically I suggest that people keep their line length consistant throughout the poem, but in this case it works that the third stanza is different than the rest. The line breaks weren't awkward for the most part, although there were some that slightly disrupted the flow of the poem. I enjoyed the imagery you used, especially the uniqueness of your comparisons. There wasn't really anyhting that truly bothered me about this. Nice job.
Who did the jedi mind trick on you women when it comes to capri pants? *waves hand* You want a piece of clothing that makes your ass look wider, your legs shorter, and your feet bigger.
-Christopher Titus




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Points 1145
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i love reading poetry like this

the rhythm is in the sort of chaos of the lengths and the lack of punctuation is great too.

the metaphors you used were original, abstract but descriptive enough to create an incredible image in my head of the raw grit of a boxing match, the ugliness of it. I especially like the 5th stanza and in particular the last two lines. The 'tick' metaphor managed to capture 3 senses in two simple words... which is pretty impressive.

I think it would be interesting to flesh out the 'carnival-crowd' idea. The sounds, and the colour of it partiularly. It would add to the overall image, maybe broaden the focus a little.

As above, I can't find anything in here that I would change.

Great work.



Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand