The Faeries-Chapter 2

*Chapter, Bye Bye*

MeadowLark wrote:Alright here is the first part to chapter two. It turned out longer than I thought it would. Now, I just thought I'd let you all know that I really, really hate this chapter. It did not turn out as I expected it to. So please, tear it to shreds but helpful tips would be appreciated. Again, I didn't really go through it and so there will be mistakes.

I completely understand that this is a first draft, and I understand that everyone makes mistakes in the first draft ... but why DIDN'T you go through and edit this before you posted it? You would feel less embarrassed if you do. There's no deadline to get work up on the forums. Next time, give yourself a day to reread and edit before you post things up.

Well, the two of us decided to do nothing. We sent no word to our king about the two creatures from Argmar and we pretended nothing was wrong. In fact, I tried to forget the whole thing ever came up.

Why didn't they inform the king or do anything? This seems kind of silly.

So, I continued on with my usual life. Work. Unfortunately, my shift just ended and that meant I had to return home.

Is Quinn also a Faerie, or a human who knows about him?

Your characters keep doing certain things over and over:

Quinn shook his head at me with a grin on his face. “See you tomorrow.”
he said, losing his smile.
I grabbed my tail with a smile of my own.
He shook his head. “Just keep it in mind. They have powers and you don’t.”
I gave him a wide grin. “Everyone has powers Quinn. Your janitor is way to good at her job.” I gave him a wink and left the store.

Don't forget that your characters have body parts other than heads and faces. Sometimes they'll shift position, or move their arms and legs -- make sure to switch your descriptors up a bit.

We're getting some nice insight into your worldbuilding in this chapter, which is fantastic! But I'm still not clear on whether or not humans know about Faeries. Red (in your prologue) didn't believe in Faeries, but then there are gangs of people (didn't say whether humans or Faeries) roaming around killing Misfits, and Gabrielle, who's human, seemed pretty casual about seeing Antonio's horns. You also mention a "faerie college" and a "faerie hospital", which makes me think that faeries are a large, organized group with a visible presence in society. Is this wrong? What's the deal?

“Sure thing. He’s got horns, little goatee horns.” I felt fingers touching my horns. Bastards.

goat horns, not goatee

It happened the first time I encountered Misfit killers and the second time I guess.

I don't understand this sentence. Do you mean "the first and the last time".

The world you see, is like a great big school ground. You have the bullies and the bullied. You see it all the time, throughout history and even in the present. Us Faeries really were no different. The ones with powers and shifting abilities bully those who were just almost normal and the Misfits. The normal ones in turn, bully the Misfits. Us Misfits just…go through life.

This is a decently written paragraph with an interesting idea in it, but it's in the middle of a fight scene! When your character's in danger your reader doesn't want to stop for a paragraph and contemplate life, they want to know what happens next -- if he gets out ok. It's probably a good idea to move this paragraph.

“Ouch. Could you pass me my hat?” I asked her, looking at my wrist. It was already swelling up like a balloon. “I think they broke it.”

Do broken wrists get really swollen? It doesn't seem right, but I don't actually know.

“Yes I’m blaming you! She could die because she’s found out! She’s in danger and you don’t even care!”

I don't understand this. Who's going to kill her? The other Faeries? That seems like kind of a silly rule -- if you kill every single human who finds out, eventually someone's going to get suspicious of all these deaths, track down the Faeries, and then there will REALLY be worldwide exposure of their existence. Faeries are clever, manipulative and have magical powers -- can't they figure out a more subtle method of damage control?

Keep going! You stopped us at a cliffhanger, and I really want to know what happens next. (But please, give yourself a couple of days to edit first before you post up the next section. You should never post anything online that you need to apologize/justify.)

Hi me again I'm really enjoying your story so far, I like how you reveal bits of information throughout this chapter but don't dump it all in one go. You shouldn't worry abut this part not turning out how you expected, sometimes stories take crazy turns and you have to just kind of go with the flow! And what else is YWS here for but to help you improve your work

So, I continued on with my usual like. Work. Unfortunately, my shift just ended and that meant I had return home.

Like should be life and there should be a to after 'I had'. I'm not sure why its unfortunate he has to go home- is it because work provides a distraction from his problems? If so I think you should mention that.

“See ya Quinn,” I said, pulling my cap over my head. Quinn shook his head at me with a grin on his face. “See you tomorrow.”
“Bye Antonio. You be careful out there. I heard that a young Misfit was beat to death the other day,” he said, losing his smile.

At first I thought 'see you tomorrow' was spoken by Quinn but then he says 'Bye Antonio', if you've already said 'See ya Quinn' I don't think you need to have see you tomorrow as well so I'd leave that out.

There's a lot of smiling/not smiling going on in this part and the bits after it. I'd replace 'Quinn shook his head at me with a grin on his face' and 'he said, losing his smile' with something else- perhaps when Antonio says goodbye Quinn could look up already with a serious face, shaking his head and then you could say after he's spoken how worried he appears?

I grabbed my tail with a smile of my own. “They’ll never know.” I slipped into my trench coat and hid my tail. “I’m an expert at hiding my animal side.”
He shook his head. “Just keep it in mind. They have powers and you don’t.”
I gave him a wide grin. “Everyone has powers Quinn. Your janitor is way to good at her job.” I gave him a wink and left the store.

I'd change 'with a smile of my own' to something like 'with a playful grin' then you could say later instead of 'I gave him a wide grin'- 'my grin widened'.

I tripped then and fell face first onto the granite sidewalk. I really had to pay attention when I walked. I was always tripping over my own feet and even on the sidewalk.

'when I walked' should be 'where I walked' and I'm not that keen on the last sentence. I'd miss out the 'and even on the sidewalk' as you have already said sidewalk and it sounds a bit clumsy. You could change the full stop after walked to a dash then.

I felt fingers touching my horns. Bastards.

Instead of just touching his horns I think it might be more effective if they were tugging them.

It happened the first time I encountered Misfit killers and the second time I guess.

Why is he unsure?

The world you see, is like a great big school ground.

Over-sized might be a better word to use than 'great big'.

Us Faeries really were no different

I think were needs to be are.

I shut my eyes tightly and tried to not think of the fists that were flying

I think trying not to focus on the pain would be better than not thinking of the fists flying as that would be the thing on the forefront of your mind.

After ducking, I was slightly unable to move my limbs. It really wasn’t fair.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'slightly unable'- have they put a spell on him? And if so wouldn't he just be completely unable?

I groaned and felt the spell they had cast come off.

I think you could say something better than 'come off'- perhaps fall away?

Her eyes rose upwards and I remembered my horns.

I had a strange image here of eyeballs floating upwards Something like her 'her gaze rose to the top of my head' might make more sense.

I stood up on shaky legs. She climbed to her own feet and put a hand on my shoulder. I studied her face.

You've already used shaky to describe his arm when he tried to push himself up so I'd change that (wobbly, trembling, unstable) and you'd just said that she had studied his face so I'd put a different action in here. Maybe he could gaze back at her?

Faeries couldn’t be x-rayed. It burnt us inside out and I heard it was terrifying to see. I couldn’t help but imagine the pain the person went through. Us Faeries had our own hospital. It was in an old building with boarded up windows. But all Faeries knew it was our hospital. I’ve never been there and I didn’t want to, but my hand was throbbing.

This is an interesting piece of information and I like how you've written it the only thing I would change would be 'But all fairies knew it was our own hospital.' I don't think you need it there and I'd leave that sentence out.

“No, I’m quite content with letting them roam the streets. I heard a kid was murdered the other day by a group,” I yawned. “I hope you made supper, I’m starving.”

If he's trying to brush off the event so as not to get the police involved I don't think he would say he heard a kid was murdered by a group- surely that would just make seeing the police more advisable? Instead claiming they were just a bunch of teenagers messing around might be a better way of trying to make it seem like a less serious attack.

Her face showed stubbornness.

I don't really like this sentence- something like 'she frowned stubbornly' might fit better.

Pedro‘s face grew horrified

Instead of just saying horrified describing how he looks horrified might be more effective.

“What are you doing? She should go home where it’s much more safer.”

It should either be 'much safer' or 'much more safe.'

I nodded at his silent question and limped out the door.

I may just be being stupid but whats the silent question? Do you mean nodding in agreement?

Pedro replied as he parallel parked behind a white car and in front of a creepy, dark windowed building.

Unless the white car is relevant later on, I'd leave it out as I think the sentence sounds better without it. You used creepy quite recently as well so I'd change that to something else like eerie.

She paused and I was prepared for the worst.

Its a nice cliffhanger ending but I'd change the sentence a little to something like 'She paused. I prepared myself for the worst...' to add more drama

I noticed a few times that you repeated actions and descriptions where you could vary them a lot more, if you read back through your work their quite easy to spot and really easy to replace so I'd advise doing that after you write each chapter Smiling was something you used a lot where it could have been replaced with a number of things, try to come up with new things your character could do in response to something- tilt their head to one side? Squint? Chew their lip?

I also thought that Gabrielle seemed amazingly unaffected by everything that was happening- wouldn't you be seriously shocked by finding out your boyfriends a fairy? I think you need to add in more about her reaction.

Overall though I liked this chapter, I find your story really interesting- its very original and like I said all the new bits of information are dropped in at all the right places and are just enough to make me even more curious! I'm sorry this review is so long, I hope I've helped and look forward to reading more of your work!

Hiya Meadow! A little late I know.

Nit-picks have been quite nicely covered by the two above me. Overall stuff:

Like a play: I have a hard time keeping track of who does what, where here. To translate that: At the beginning, it is rather unclear where his shift ends and even where he is. I would put the information about Ant being in a bookstore before you tell us that his shift is over.

When Gabrielle is bringing Ant back to the apartment, I thought she had left while Ant and Pedro were talking. Put a line or two in between the dialogue that makes it a little clearer she's still around.

Make it a little clearer when this takes place. I thought it had happened before the conference, not after.

Characters: Between Quinn, Ant and Pedro, I got a wee bit confused. Quinn, in particular, seems to come out of the blue. Give us a little back-story on him so things aren't as confusing.

Ant's character... I don't know how natural he feels. It's been partially established that he'll say anything in front of anyone, but still, that huge riff between him and Pedro feels really extreme for me. It's what made me think Gabrielle had left, the fact he was so frank about everything.

Now, for Gabrielle. I thought she knew about Pedro's faerie nature already. You didn't tell us that she's clueless about her boyfriend's true nature in chapter one, and that makes it hard to understand why her having seen his horns is such a big deal now. Also, is it just the fact that she knows Ant's a misfit that puts her life at risk, or just the fact she knows faeries exist?

The fight: I've given you the article on battles already, but I'm just going to comment on this extra thing: You don't give us a definite answer that he's been magicked during the fight. You say that it's happened before, but with the "sorry bud" line it makes me feel like he hasn't been. Then, at the end, we get something definite. But, come then, we're just a bit to confused to get everything.

I hope these comments help. If you have any questions, drop me a line.

~Rosey

Gahh, this is very late. I'm so, so sorry!

Hmm, well I can see why you might not like this chapter very much. Wait, that didn't sound right. What I mean is I think you might have felt the need to get this chapter posted as soon as possible so maybe you rushed it. Don't worry, I've done that plenty of times. The most helpful thing for me was to take the advice of the reviewers to put my writing in the best possible shape. However, I do think you should have went through it to at least check gram&spell issues. When there's a bunch of those kinds of mistakes, it really takes away from the story because it draws the attention to the errors.

The world you see, is like a great big school ground.

I think there's supposed to be a comma after world. Also, this is a very interesting concept. Nice ideas goin' on.

Instinctively I ducked my head but in the end I still received a black eye.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't get a black eye that fast. Instead you should say:....I still recieved a sucker punch to the face.

Not only did a sharp pain fly through my right hand, but my arms were way to shaky to hold myself up.

This is kind of a clumsy sentence, especially the last part. "Myself" should be just me. As for the awkwardness, maybe you could try this: I tried to push myself up, but a sharp pain flew through my shaky hands and I lost balance.

She handed me my hat and I pulled it onto my head with a satisfied smile.

No need for the satisfied smile part. It really isn't necessary. Besides, why would he be smiling if he's in pain?

I didn’t have an eye for blondes, even a strawberry blonde like her.

I know what you meant here, but it's phrased incorrectly. To not have an eye for something would mean that he's bad at finding them, and I think you meant to say that he didn't have a preference for blondies.

Faeries couldn’t be x-rayed. It burnt us inside out and I heard it was terrifying to see.

Oo that's very intriguing. O.o Very original, I like the idea and I can really see turning to ashes in my head...huh, maybe I need therapy...

I heard feet clambering down the stairs and Pedro came flying into the front entrance. He embraced me and look at my face. “Antonio! What happened?” he demanded. “Gab said you were attacked by at least seven guys. Muggers?”

Eh, not enough description here. Put into detail how Pedro is reacting to all this. For example, did he fly through the front gates with wide brown eyes full of terror? Did he embrace Tony (you mind if I call him Tony?) tightly with a loud sigh of relief? Did he smother him with hugs so tight he almost suffocated?

Her face showed stubbornness. “No! I’m going with you two!” she cried.

Again, no need for the face showing stubbornness part. Not really necessary.

I saw your horns Antonio, no use hiding them,” she interrupted. Pedro‘s face grew horrified, but I‘m sure my own face was no different. “What’s so bad about them? I thought they were quite…unique.”

This is kind of a pivotal point in the chapter, and I feel like you roamed over it pretty quickly. Put it into detail, and describe Tony and Pedro's emotions/reactions more fully.

“What are you doing? She should go home where it’s much more safer.”

...where it's much more safer. Should just be: ...where it's safer.

“Yes I’m blaming you! She could die because she’s found out! She’s in danger and you don’t even care!”

Very nice. Got some good plot twists going.

He was being completely ridiculous and it was starting to ignite that wonderful mixture of anger and bitterness in me.

Nice! Now this is they kind of thing you need to write more of! It made me see the emotions boiling inside little Tony. I like the way it's written. Be sure to include more descriptions like this in the future because it makes your writing stand out and sets you apart from other writers, giving you your own unique style.

“No Antonio, that’s not what I’m getting at! She can’t go home. What if she’s found there? What if they catch her?”

I looked at Gabrielle’s confused/irritated face and then back at Pedro’s angry one.

The slash mark = very unprofessional. Take my advice and replace it with an and.

“No, because they can’t…I may be just a Misfit Pedro, but I hear things you don’t. I know a Misfit whose mother is a human and she knows everything. They can’t kill Gabrielle if you’re going to marry her…I know you were thinking of it, Pedro.”

“You were?” Her voice was barely a whisper. “You want to marry me?”

Again, a very important part of this chapter, needs to be put into detail. Describe Gabby's surprise (heck, even I was shocked , so I was surprised when you didn't write more about her reaction) and then Pedro's anger.

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. “You two can talk about it later. Am I allowed in that hospital or not?”

They both looked confused and asked, “Why wouldn’t you?”

“Gabrielle, there is another hospital for Faeries and Pedro, I’m a Misfit. Misfits aren’t allowed to do anything.”

Uh, okay, this part was a little bit confusing. Why would Pedro look confused if he knows about the hospital? I think you meant to just say Gabby was confused.

I nodded at his silent question and limped out the door. Great gods was I sore. My ribs and hand were killing me. “Feels like I was trampled by a herd of horses.”

Pedro grinned and opened the car door for me. “Sorry for arguing with you bro. I’m just worried about her.”

Seems weird that he got over it that fast. Just sayin'.

“About me?” She looked at us with surprise. “Surely if Pedro wants to marry me, they can’t kill me.”

Wow, she catches on pretty quickly. Strange. If I was her, I'd be a little slow to absorb everything, and then actually feel normal about it. I can see why you need her to get the plot going, but maybe it would be in Gabby's best interest if things slowed down a bit.

It was safer there, in the dark. Humans were more reluctant to nose around in dark, creepy places.

I don't like the repetition of dark. Maybe you could say something like "shadowy" instead. What can I say, synonyms are my best friends.

We didn’t come to North or South America till twelve years ago.

Ha, ha, maybe you can see now why this sentence sounds strange. Just say which continent they live on, don't state both.

“But do ask Pedro about history. It bores me terribly.”

Very good, Meadow, nice display of Tony's personality.

For now, please just pretend you’re one of us and just practically speak when it feels necessary.”

Take out "practically". Sounds better without it. Also, the "feels" necessary part as well, is not necessary.

A middle-aged black woman, I figured she was at least forty, stood before us.

...figured she was at least forty. That part should be hyphenated between the clauses. "A middle aged black woman - at least forty - stood before us.

“I am allowed in right?” She paused and I was perpared for the worst.

I don't think this is the best way to end the chapter. Maybe you could find a better way.

Hmm, now I don't know whether or not you know this already, but I feel like maybe Tony has a little crush on Gabby. Which kind of confuses me because in chapter one someone named Mary Jane was mentioned, and I was under the impression that that was who Tony really liked. What up wit dat? Idk, just have to wait for future chapters, I guess. I will say this, though: I'd prefer it if Gabby was with Pedro. It seems like she might have a small thing for Tony, but in the long run, I think she'd be better off with Pedro. Just saying.

Anyhow, if you want anymore advice or unwanted opinions , just PM me, got that? OH! One more thing. I strongly, highly, deeply, passionately, recommend that you take the advice of all the suggestions made to you by the other reviewers right away. Trust me, in the end it will make your writing skills much better and the chapter will read more smoothly, so don't procrastinate.

Ciao babe, Dream.