This Is My Fairytale

*This is my random over the top with metaphors poem. Enjoy!*

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It's my fairytale
and my tragedy

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It will have my butterflies
and it will have my bees.

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
With my joys and happiness
and my broken dreams

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It has my fear and hate
and how I might redeem

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
I'll die with some nobility
or my tail between my knees

Overall, this leaves me with one big question: What is your story and why should I care? This poem is overly repetitive and says nothing but "My story is happy and sad". I'd rather read "your" story than have you tell me what it's like.

That said, I like the first stanza. Maybe you could keep that as the beginning, then go on to write the story, whatever it is, and how it's both a fairytale and a tragedy.

Keep writing!

Forever Threnody wrote:*This is my random over the top with metaphors poem. Enjoy!*

This is my story something...
I'll write it like I please period.
It's my fairytale
and my tragedy period...

This is my story comma
I'll write it like I please period
It will have my butterflies
and it will have my bees. ...nice..try to replace my with the...

This is my story
I'll write it as I please it's getting bored cause of repetitions.....
With my joys and happiness
and my broken dreams

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
It has my death and my sins
and how to redeem another word please...rhyme hurt........

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
I'll die with some nobility
or my tail between my knees. Nice ending

I like it...The punctuation is horrible but the rest is okay...
And the repetitions really slowed me down...I'm going to bed now...by the time I get back fix it...

Repetition is a type pf poetry, and I don't think it is fair to tell you not to do it when it is the basis for your poem. If you used one word over and over again with not apparent purpose in mind, then it would be a problem. I liked this.I think it is a good thing that the reader is left curious as to what the story is. That way they can insert their own. Some of the rhyming felt a little forced, like you shaped your line just to get that word in. Overall. I thought it was a pretty good poem.

Thanks for your input.

I prefer not to use punctuation because I would like the reader the interpret it the way they would.

Yes, repetition. That is the base of my poem. I'm not all to eager to cut it down. I did change it somewhat.

Thanks everyone for their input. I'll consider some of your ideas.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hey there threnody! How ya doin'?
I'm gonna review this for you!

Your first stanza starts very nicely. I absolutely loved it. But as mentioned above, you have a big lack of punctuation on this poem. Also, the words please/tragedy sound weird when read out loud. You were trying to rhyme right? I'm sorry to tell you, but it sounds a bit awkward.

On the second stanza, I just don't understand why you've put "my bees" and "my butterflies". Are they yours? How?

The third stanza is my absolute favorite! Loved "and my broken dreams"

The forth stanza, is really nice. I liked the part "redeem" but it does no good for the rhyming.

The fifth stanza was a good ending.

Overall: Good job. It was a great read. As for that, I'll give you a gold star *clicks*!

*Kat*

This poem was purely metaphoric.

Now think about what my bees and butterflies could be.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever THrenody

..............

you don't need punctuation... I can't believe the people criticising you for not having it :@

Mosterific~ You are very opinionated, did you realize that? And no offense but, "my heaven's cloud" is a cheesy line. I've been cut down so many times for my repetition... I honestly don't know. But thanks for your very opinion based, and quite lacking subtlety, comments. I may try some.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

erratik_statik wrote:you don't need punctuation... I can't believe the people criticizing you for not having it :@

I just suggested that s/he expresses his/her thoughts in a stronger way. It works good most of the time...actually, it's a normal way... Didn't see that you are "master of punctuation.."

Forever Threnody wrote:*This is my random over the top with metaphors poem. Enjoy!*

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It's my fairytale <---I think you should break up it's to it is in order to help the flow.
and my tragedy <--- This line needs a adjective before tragedy because it's lacking a syllable or two.

This is my story
I'll write it like I please
It will have my butterflies
and it will have my bees.

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
With my joys and happiness
and my broken dreams

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
It has my fear and hate
and how I might redeem

This is my story
I'll write it as I please
I'll die with some nobility
or my tail between my knees

Hey Threnody! Shina here I'll be your reviewer today.

I really liked this poem. It shows us what you think and believe, and you also sound very confident. I like that. You sound positive, optimistic, and positive without sounding arrogant or conceited. That is hard to do most of the time.

I added a few rhyme scheme and flow suggestions to the first stanza I believe. I didn't touch the punctuation because I think everyone else covered that xD

Overall, I really liked the idea and it was kind of catchy.

That's all for now.

~Shina

This made me smile. It's cute. That's all really. Sorry for the lame review.

Hi! Nice metaphorical poem! I enjoyed it.

Um, I might just be reading it wrong, but the rhythm of the second two lines seems to be inconsistent. I tried tapping out the rhythm, and the first stanza has considerably shorter lines than the second, and the third is somewhere between. I keep having them come out differently when I read them. I don’t think that’s purposeful, because this doesn’t seem like free verse.

The repetition gets the point across, but it takes up half of every stanza. You really don’t have a very high percentage of original material in each, and that make this poem a bit annoying to read out loud (which is, of course, how poetry ought to be savored, yes?). It might be better if you combine and cut some stanzas so it only repeats the lines every eight lines instead of every four, or something like that. Or you can simply begin and end the poem with the lines and jam the rest of the one-slice-of-meat-on-one-slice-of-bread meat in between just two pieces of bread, thus creating a sandwich of which Atkins could be proud.

Oh, and “redeem” sounds off, somehow.

PS – Am I feeling Muhammed Ali in the butterfly-bees reference?