This Rose I Give

To be given during prom if I muster enough courage. Is it good enough to be given?
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This rose I give will not endure,
Soon it will wither away;
The blood red petals, once so vibrant,
Will fade to a stolid gray.

The verdant leaves will slowly die,
And fall off one by one;
Slowly crashing to the ground,
'Til all the leaves are gone.

This precious rose I give to you
Will not forever bloom;
For the lovely fragile bud,
Will someday face its doom.

So I give not just a rose,
That slowly wilts and dies;
I give as well a part of me,
That lives for all of time.

For though the rose's petals fall,
And though its leaves turn gray;
My heart that I will give to you,
Will never fade away.

*Evi alert*

Hey Knightly Angel! I'd call you Angel, but it seems we already have so many Angels on here. Plus, Knightly makes you sound that much more impressive!

Okay, enough rambling about your name.

The rose I give will not endure, Since the title is 'this', I suggest changing the 'the' here to 'this'. Make sense?
Soon it'll wither away;
The blood red petals, once so vibrant,
Will fade to a stolid gray.

Personally, I think you should write out the contraction here as 'it will'. I understand that you were trying to eliminate that extra syllable, but it doesn't seem a problem to me. As I'm reading it, it stills flows perfectly fine, and seems more formal to go along with the 'will not'.

The verdant leaves will slowly die,
And fall off one by one;
Slowly crashing to the ground,
'Til all the leaves are gone.

I'm sure you're aware of this, but 'one' and 'gone' actually do not rhyme. I'd love to see you keep up the perfect rhyme like you had in the first stanza, and here it is off enough to make the reader stumble. In my opinion, the last sentence is too wonderful to dispose of, so I'll give you a suggestion to replace with the second.

The verdant leaves will slowly die...
A somber, faded song;
Slowly crashing to the ground
'Til all the leaves are gone.

Hmm. You don't have to use that one, but you're welcome to if you'd like. My rhyming skills seem to be lacking at the moment; here are a list of words that rhyme with 'gone' to help you along. Huh! Along rhymes, doesn't it?

Along
Dawn
Lawn
Yawn
Fawn
Drawn...and so on and so forth.


This precious rose I give to you
Will not forever bloom;
For the pretty fragile bud,
Will someday face its doom.

I love this stanza. You could possibly replace the simple word 'pretty' with 'lovely', if you like. *shrug* I just like that a teensy bit better, ya?

So I give not just a rose,
That slowly wilts and dies;
I give as well a part of me,
That lives for all of time.

Love this one too.

For though the rose's petals fall,
And though its leaves turn gray;
My heart that I will give to you,
Will never fade away.

Awww! This was really sweet, and a lovely comparison that's not often used in poetry. The rose is symbolized as the beautiful flower of love, but here you turn it against love, tweak the view of roses so that it works for you. It's brilliant.

Should you?

YES! This is definately good enough to be given! In fact! It's good enough to get a gold star from me! *click* But seriosuly, it shouldn't take too much courage since it's so good.

Of course, the very most important thing for you is to feel this from your heart. Having reviewers look at it is one thing, but don't let any of us shred it to bits and rework it until it isn't even yours anymore and it's just a medly of our opinions and changes. Do you hear me? I'm not suggesting that you completely disregard our comments, but make changes only when they still correspond what you're feeling for this special someone. Kay?

Rhyming:

I strongly suggest changing the second stanza's rhyme to be a bit more like the others. You don't have to take my opinions, since rhyming isn't exactly my strong point, but you can tweak it to come up with a more perfect rhyme. It's already THIS close from being absolutely perfectly fantabulous; that's one of my only suggestions.

Word choice:

Now, I am so definately not dissing your true love or whoever you're writing this for, but I want to make sure that his vocabulary is up to date with yours. Yes, I know you're fifteen, which means he's probably around that age too, but a lot of fifteen year olds I know wouldn't have a clue what 'verdant' or 'stolid' mean. We're writers; it's our job to know the impressive, fany words. However, if he isn't a writer and if you don't have complete faith in his vocabulary, you could possibly substitute those words for something simpler. Maybe throw those two words in during a random conversation and see how he reacts? Perhaps?

I truly loved this. I've been searching around for something that deserves my 75th review (after this, I get my third gold star!) and I decided that this poem was more than worthy for my lowly critique. I hope this was helpful, and good luck at prom! I'll hunt you down if you don't give this to him!

~Evi

PM me if you need anything!

Thank you so much Evi. That was a lot of help.

I edited it a little, took note of your comments. I haven't edited the 2nd stanza yet though but I understand so I shall try to re-write it so it rhymes better.

Anyway, I have about a month and a half to gain courage. Prom is on either the 22nd or 23rd of March. I fear though that I will fear too much.XD

I posted this on here so that I can make this poem better but I assure you that I won't let anyone take away the poem's identity. Oh and the part where you said I better check out his vocabulary made me laugh. I didn't think of that. I'm quite sure he knows what stolid means though.XD Verdant... I'm not so sure.

Again, thank you. Your review has been a major help.

Hey KA darling, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Will fade to a stolid gray.

I think delete "a."

'Til all the leaves are gone.

You could try "'til all of them are gone." I don't know...

II. OVERALL

Aw, that was so cute . I loved it. You going to pin it to a rose? That'd be cute.

I don't have much to say. It's not too sappy, as a lot of 'love' poems are, it's just right. I reckon you should give it.

Somebody else will probably tell you the opposite, and I wish I could give more help, but I did really like it. I think you should give it -if they appreciate poetry, that is.

Sorry I didn't help much,

-Stella x

its gorgeous.

i wish i knew a girl who could write something like that to a guy.

it has a rare integrity to it for a specific love poem. most of them are just full of sappy cliches that oversimplify love until it is stripped of all its complexity: it makes me angry to be honest.

you haven't drowned him in emotion either. You have held your composure and constructed it into something powerful. You have crafted it into a point sharp as diamonds, and if he has anything resembling a brain or a heart it will deliver the desired blow without any worry.

a life without fear of lost love is a life without love.. no?

go for it. fu** your inhibitions.

and in the meantime i will continue in the hope that i will recieve something like this one day.


good luck

Brendan.

p.s.. no further nit-picking required after those above me

Pin it to a rose? Now that's a nice idea. I haven't gotten to how to give it honestly. I'm still in the convincing myself I should give it stage. oh dear.

anyway, thank you once again to Stella and Brendan. Great help.

anyone else care to review? I wish this to be polished if EVER I give it you see.

Wow! This was good. I really don't say that to a lot of writers but I loved this piece. I like the comparison between the rose and your love. Your right! The beauty of a rose is only temporary compared to the essence of someones heart. This poem made me feel your inner most depths. A compassion and love that was surging deep inside of you out of emotions for another. You made me believe in love and the serenity and bliss that two people can share together forever bonded as one. You created the perfect picture and scenario. I could actually picture a rose going through all of this changes. But I could also picture love lasting forever always undying and unwilling to cease. This piece was incredible and I think you are a good writer. Whoever you give this to, I hope they will enjoy it just as much as I have. My favorite part of your poem was this line.

So I give not just a rose,
That slowly wilts and dies;
I give as well a part of me,
That lives for all of time.

This line caught my attention the most. Like I said, a rose is only temporary but your love and who you are will always last forever. Good wording and great job! I look forward to reading more of your material.