Money

It was an ordinary burlap sack. A little on the small side perhaps, but ordinary just the same.

I almost didn’t look into it. At first I thought it was dog poop that someone had left as a vile joke. But it didn’t smell foul and soon my curiosity got the best of me.

All those bills. Crisp, clean, green, oh they were intoxicating to look at. Down on my luck, my acting job at the Seattle Royale Theatre not paying near enough, that bag seemed to be filled with the light of heaven.

And then he came along. I smelled him before he came along; he reeked of the street.

“Drop that!” he cried out. I almost did, afraid that this might be the owner of the money. He came into view. Dirty trenchcoat, soiled pants, and unkempt hair. I pulled the sack close and tried to ignore him.

“Don’t you know what that is?” he asked. Now he was standing at the foot of the apartment stairs. I grimaced in disgust.

“Go away,” I told him, and turned to go back inside. Before I could grab the knob his hand was on the door, preventing my escape.

“That is an Illuminas bag, belonging to the W’rcankter!” he yelled. I turned to him. Crazy or not, he was going after the money. My money.

“Get out of here!” I screamed. “I’ll call the cops!”

He grabbed the bag and tore it from my grasp. It left me vulnerable for a moment. He walked to the edge of the stairwell and held the bag out over the street.

“I must return the Illuminas to the ether!” he yelled, and he let go of the bag. My heart sank into my gut and a tiny sound trickled out of my throat.

I ran forward, screaming and cursing at the man, desperate to recover the money. It was too late. All the bills were fluttering down in the breeze like newly fallen leaves. On the sidewalk below the people, grubs upon the concrete, were scrambling and squirming for them

I reached out for a bill that still fluttered high up. All at once I leaned out too far, and there was no ground beneath me. My scarf slipped off. It fluttered with the dollars for a moment, before coming to the pavement to join me.

Hey Conrad,

This was an intriguing piece from the start and although I don't know what the context of the contest is, I'm sure you'll do well.

A few nit-picks:

At first I thought it was dog poop

The term 'dog poop' seems to stick out here. I'm not sure that it fits the style of your writing - your tone seems a lot more formal most of the time and yet a term like 'poop' comes across as very informal. I'm sure you can find an alternative, however it is personal preference.

and soon my curiosity got the best of me.

'Got the better of me'?

Crisp, clean, green, oh they were intoxicating to look at.

I like this sentence and your choice of words here. Perhaps use a dash after 'green' instead of a comma. This breaks the sentence up slightly differently and I just think it makes it flow better.

And then he came along. I smelled him before he came along; he reeked of the street.

I'd suggest changing these sentences slightly in order to get rid of the repetition and to tidy it up slightly. I think you could even scrap the first sentence completely as the second one works well as an introductory line to the character.

My heart sank into my gut and a tiny sound trickled out of my throat.

I don't like the way you've worded the second part of this line. 'Trickled' has the connotations of something slow and small....perhaps use a slightly sharper word here?

All at once I leaned out too far, and there was no ground beneath me. My scarf slipped off. It fluttered with the dollars for a moment, before coming to the pavement to join me.

Nice ending, I like what you built up to. I think that with some tweaking on the last line, you could make this a stronger ending. Having said that, I'm not quite sure how. It's just the last line that could do with a change, especially the 'before coming to the pavement to join me'. Perhaps try 'before landing on the pavement next to me'. Just fiddle around with that last line until you find a good, stronger alternative.


Overall, although this was short, it was enough to hold the reader's attention. If you expand on this (which I'd suggest, there is room for more description and slightly more characterisation) then it would perhaps be even stronger. Your structure was very good and I enjoyed this piece.

Keep writing and all the best,

Alainna
xxx

Conrad -

An interesting morsel. Kind of like a truffle after dinner. Nothing really too heavy about it, but enough to leave a fun aftertaste. Alainna gave some good line-by-lines. It's good advice, so use it. I would expand on this slightly. Not too much, or you'll overextend the welcome stay of a story like this. I would just put in a little more information about the main character and the setting. Where are they? Who is this guy? There is some fun in annonymity of this piece, but I think it would be more powerful if we were a little more intimate with the MC. Okay, he's an actor. That's all I know. I'm not even sure if he's male or not. But if you don't want to explore that, which is alright, I guess, then explore some description. They're in a stairwell. Do the stairs creak? What is the color of the walls? Is it a rundown apartment complex? The Illuminas guy. Does he have a beard? Does he have crazy looking eyes? He smells like the street -- that's good. I like it. But that's all. The scarf. Is it red? Is it like smear of blood against the sky as it flutters downwards? Talk to me, Conrad. Breathe some life into your settings.

Anyway. Nice job. Tweak the ending a little bit, like Alainna said, and you'll be okay.

-Kylan

This is one of the two complimentary critiques you get for entering CIA's money contest. The other will come from Bittersweet, CIA's guest judge.

All right, so normally I read the whole story and then critique, but I want to stop here and comment before I go any further.

I loved the first paragraph. Loved it. Even if the rest of the story ends up being terrible, the first paragraph will make up for it. Amazing introductions are extremely rare, but you managed to write one. Congrats! =]

Anyways, on to the rest of the story.

Hahaha, that was a cool story. =]

Anyways, the only thing I didn't like was that you stayed with the same style as your introduction throughout the whole piece. Vary everything; sentence structure, paragraph length, amounts of dialogue. It's very repetitive right now, which really hurts the piece.

Also, work a little more on the emotions when the crazy man goes after him and when the money's taken away. Does he freak out at this man taking crazy? Get pissed off? And make sure you don't just leave him emotionless when the money's ripped away from him – he needed that! Make him angry.

You could also slip in more details with the emotions. Does he grip the crinkling black… er… whatever railings are made of when he's angry? Does he nearly trip over the concrete steps trying to get up the stairs and away from the crazy man? Oh, and expanding on the crazy man's appearance would help. =]

It was a cute little story, and I liked it a lot. =]

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Very good. I really liked the way you slowly revealed information.

At first I thought it was dog poop that someone had left as a vile joke

I liked this line. I liked that it was a normal thought that would go through anyone's head, a lightning association type of thing. I'm not saying it's a beautiful line or anything, but i was not sure at the beginning of the story if i would like it at all, and then i hit this sentence. idk, it made me take it the story more seriously.

All those bills. Crisp, clean, green, oh they were intoxicating to look at.

GREAT segway! I loved that. That's what I meant when i said slowly revealing the info. i really liked that you didn't just say what was inside the bag.

I reached out for a bill that still fluttered high up. All at once I leaned out too far, and there was no ground beneath me. My scarf slipped off. It fluttered with the dollars for a moment, before coming to the pavement to join me.

Ok, maybe this is not the end of the story (is it? I'm thinking probably not...) but i would have loved to see something more dramatic happen. lol before i got to the last few words i thought he was going to get hit by a car and i was thinking, Wow! Good job! and maybe just him falling is dramatic enough, but the way it's worded is kind of round about, so that there's not much impact to it at all.

i think with a different ending, or just differently worded, this'll be a great story. i mean, i think it's already very good.

Hey Conrad! I'm the second judge for the CIA contest, as I believe I told you a long time ago. Anyway, on with the review!

I love the abruptness of this piece. Normally, I wouldn't be the biggest fan of that, but I think it suits this piece very well. It's obvious that's what you were going for! There are, however, points in which there's just a tad bit too much abruptness. Kylan suggested giving us a little more detail to chew on, and I agree. While too much might weigh this story down, you need a little more. I had a hard time picturing much of anything. The bit when the man sends the money everywhere was kind of confusing. I had to read it over a few times. I also would have liked to have seen a little more plot. Again, not too much or it might ruin the story. Just a bit more meat, maybe?

Still, I really like this. It's kind of abstract and creative, and I liked that part of it. I'm sorry I could have given you a more in-depth review. There wasn't a whole lot to say because it was so good! So, happy writing, and good luck with the contest!

-Holly