Salted Rain

The clouds have started to cry again.
Now that the sun has gone.
Their teardrops splash about the streets
Staining pavements one by one.

Overcast. Overlooked.
Ominous clouds are making
Salt lakes out of valleys.
Their hopes forever breaking

Rays of light, banished
To the dark corners of the sky
The thunderclouds have arrived now
Such a force can’t be defied.

They float and drift gracefully
So that there’d be no assumptions,
That such beautiful things
Could ever cause such destruction.

This storm does not seem to end
Its droplets falling and never stopping.
Crystal pools spilling, engulfed by
Salted rain, forever dropping.

Hi Happy-dear! June here!

I haven't reviewed anything by you in ages! Anywhoo, here we go:



• Okay! In your first stanza, the only thing that needs changing/fixing is your punctuation. Most of the time in four line-stanzaic poems the punctuation goes like this:

First line,
Second line;
Third line,
Fourth line.

You see? A comma, a semicolon, a comma, a period. Nothing too major to worry about (I just happen to over obsess with punctuation and grammar)

Moving on....

Overcast. Overlooked.

Ominous clouds are making

Salt lakes out of valleys.

Their hopes forever breaking

• In this stanza, the punctuation would be different since you are using enjambment (the running over of a sentence or idea from one line to the next) in the third and fourth lines, so! I would go like this:

First line;
Second line
Third line.
Fourth line.

• Also! In the first line you have Overcast. Overlooked. That's past tense-ish. When we come to the second line, you have "making". I know if you change it you'll be sacrificing the ever so perfect rhyme you have here, but scrambly tenses stick out a bit .


*

Rays of light, banished

To the dark corners of the sky

The thunderclouds have arrived now

Such a force can’t be defied.

Pay attention to punctuation throughout your poem, dear! This stanza could follow the same punctuation structure that I suggested in the first stanza.

And also! In the third line, you have "The thunderclouds". In a poetry lesson that I attended, the speaker mentioned that if something is a concrete object (meaning that it it's a noun, that can be seen and/or touched) you don't need to use "the" in front of it. The is a "filler" word, meaning that you're just taking up 3-4 character spaces .

Thus speaking, if you attached a semicolon to the end of the line before, this line would sound perfect without "the".

* * *
Overall!

I loved this. Absolutely loved it. I'm not just saying that because I'm a fan of your writing or anything-- I mean that honestly.

I like how you're basically speaking about tears and using nature to display that imagery. It's giving such a smooth touch to this poem and everything flows just perfectly, it's brilliant.

You didn't force the rhyme here! Good, good job. It flowed perfectly. The rhythm, meter-- everything was perfect.

I demand more poetry, Haps . Demand it.

Thanks for reading my shred! XD

Keep it up, dear!

June

As for the punctuation, I would actually pattern it like this:

First line.
Second Line
Third Line;
Fourth Line.

Other than that, it was great. Nice job.

Hey Chips!

Make sure you point out which stanza to put that in!
June

Thanks for the comments guys

I love reading poems like this. They're extremely refreshing. Poems about nature I mean. Poems about emotions and other grave stuff are brilliant but they get rather heavy after a while and poems like this one freshens everthing up.

The second stanza rhymed rather differently, I think. It didn't sound the same as the others and honestly didn't flow too great.

4th line of 4th stanza. I think there's an extra syllable there. You can drop the such and the meaning won't change at all. It'll flow better.

anyway, that's all I can say. Lovely poem.