Remaining In The Past

Remaining In The Past

I stand in the dark
So alone
So silent

I grieve in my despair
So painful
So quiet

I cling to the past
So revocable
So violent

I refuse to let go
So selfish
So defiant

I like the premise of this poem, but personally it could use some more.
Words, I mean.
It hits hard, and I know it exudes mystery, but it doesn't need to be THAT mysterious.
You know what I mean?
So if you add more to your stanzas or just more stanzas, it'll give your reader more.
But I really like it.
Keep Writing.

Hey, Nalyd. I like that name: Nalyd . It rolls of the tongue nicely. By chance, is it ''Dylan'' spelled backwards?

Anyway enough of that. I liked your poem. But somehow I do agree with the above poster; it does need a few more words. The thing is, I also think that it works as it is. The rhythm was fine and(shrugs)basically everything else.

I don't have much more to say.

Great poem!
Love your work.
Keep writing!
Good luck

Hi, Nalyd.

Your poem is ever so simple, with a repetitive structure, but it very cleverly conveys the under the weather emotions of the persona.

I liked the consistency, and this could even represent how the pain the persona feels lasts a long time and is ongoing.

I also appreciated the subtle changes after the "so" bit in each stanza. At first, the mood is a very silent one, gradually developing into a brooding defiance against something which has happened.

You also make excellent use of evocative and emotive language. Good job.

Best wishes in your writing!

~ timeless

Nalyd wrote:Remaining In The Past
I stand in the dark
So alone
So silent

Why and how?

I grieve in my despair
So painful
So quiet

Why and how?

I cling to the past
So revocable
So violent

Why and how?

I refuse to let go
So selfish
So defiant

Why and how?

That was pretty much all I could say about the poem. It lacked what [most] good poems should have, which is a reason for its existence in the first place and a description of what's happening - an anchor that the reader can clutch to bring forth imagination and memories, so he may relate. Your poem is extremely vague; only one or two actual ideas, and basic ones at those, paired with adjectives to spice them up. It doesn't work, and furthermore, most of those adjectives don't have anything to do with each other and seem to have been put there just to explain away the idea in the driest of terms. What you need to do at this point is go over every line and make sure that the adjectives make logical sense - revocable and violent, for example, are completely seperate and so the reader is just completely confused as to why these are connected with your past and why he should care. In addition, the ideas need to be shown (notice I didn't say "told") in such a way that when you, for example, say "I grieve in my despair" and "I cling to the past", you should have a line or two hinting at what you feel went wrong with your past and how you emote from it.

Hope that helped.

Nalyd wrote:Remaining In The Past

I stand in the dark
So alone
So silent

I grieve in my despair
So painful
So quiet

I cling to the past
So revocable
So violent

I refuse to let go
So selfish
So defiant

Lovely! Bravo! I'm not sure if it was intended but I like the way the second and third line start with so but only the second one rhymes! Really nice! Carry on writing.

P.S. Gold star!

mystirious,i like it. I relly like the wording. It makes you wonder what's wrong or what happend. i agree that there could be a little more to it but there dosn't have to be.
You could just right a different poem about the same thing. I've seen this done before in books of poetry i've read. A group of poems about the same thing. Usually there on differnt pages, like the each poem is a different chapter, and is read alomost like a story. they don't need to have the same wording style.
If i remember any examples i'll let you know.

Over all, I liked it. I can agree that it might have needed to have a little more to it. But it was consistant, and even though it didn;'t have that much to it, that kind of left it open so that the reader could really put themselves in the poem, and be able to realate it something that I think that poems don't always have. Good job!