Split Personalities 3.1

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
It was like watching a horror movie. Sitting, watching, and relaxing. But at the same you’re terrified.
It’s dark and stormy night, thunder thriving in the background. A reprehensible mass of storm clouds loom just on-screen. The shrill of the petrified main characters pierce into you, like daggers to your ear drum. And the responsible hovels, towering in the distance, up a tall and in-fertile hill.
And then there is a cough.
You’re brought back into reality, and reminded that it’s all fiction. It isn’t happening now, and it never did. But you still watch the movie, sit back, and enjoy the ride.
That’s what it was like then. I could feel the fear, taste the tension, and smell the sweat.
But it wasn’t me trying to run. I was glued to the spot, while my counter-part thought of a cunning plan.
Looking left and right, again and again, it seemed that I was doing terrible damage to my neck. The man in black was accelerating now, seeing that there was no way out.
I can’t climb the fence in time… and there’s no way I’m going to get past Henry. That leaves the room full of angry people who defiantly won’t let me through…Damn it!If I was in control of my body, then I would have jumped in shock. Was I hearing her thoughts? Well, I reasoned, it would make sense… seeing she is inside me and all. But it hadn’t happened like this before. I could never hear her thoughts, only pointers in difficult times. This wasn’t right.
Henry.
Henry, Henry, Henry.
I filed that information away for later. My body sprung into action like a viper with a wasp. The man, Henry, I reminded myself, was only a couple of meters away when my sudden action took place. He wasn’t shocked or anything, he simply moved with my body.
That means he knows me… or my alter-ego. I unwillingly turned to face him, and the door that I had just escaped through, if you could call it escaping. Just as it came into view, the handle turned.
Not more witnesses!
That wasn’t me. Witnesses to what?
No answer. Seems fair enough, she it busy trying to escape… five men now. I vaguely commented, counting the workers as they tumbled outside.
I felt the cold touch of bricks rub against my back. Trapped! My hand automatically swung around in front of me, in what I immediately knew was karate stance. Eyes briefly glanced down at the concrete floor. All of the puddles, all of the cracks I the alleyway paving, they were now etched into my mind. Momentarily observing the precision of my memory, the utter clarity in which I could recall, I knew that I was no ordinary high school student. I knew that all along really… Why else would I wake up, total memory loss, in a construction site with voices talking to me in my head?
Voice I reminded myself, only one voice.
Does that mean that I’m going crazy? Surely all of the psychiatrists say voices, right? No, I wasn’t going crazy. I just had an imposter hi-jacking my body, as I ran from mysterious men. That wasn’t crazy, was it? The man, Henry, was advancing upon me; despite what I was sure was a ferocious look on my face.
I wasn’t sure really. It was funny, without being the one to personally mould your face into the exact right shape; you don’t know what you have really. I didn’t feel the strain of the muscles as I clenched my jaw, the snarl as it carved itself into my lips, or the tense sensation as my eyebrows tightened. I knew nothing really. Only what my eyes were showing and my ears were telling. It was a freaky sensation.
This time I could sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. I didn’t have to worry what was happening; my unnamed friend could take care of whatever her, our, enemies threw in the way. I could take a deep breath, and watch the fight scene unroll. It really was like a cinema.
My view tilted to the right, and I realized that I was moving. The peachy hands still protected me, a futile attempt to put protection between me and my attackers. Letting the vigilant me take control, I wondered if she should have a name. I thought back through all of the conversations I had had with her. Every single time it was like a conscience telling you something was wrong. She was protecting me, helping me in my quest to find my identity.
Did she know? Did she know who I was, and where I came from? It sure seemed like it, all the time she was talking to me, it was like she was hiding something… keeping a secret. That secret, who I was, and what I was doing. She knew. I knew that now. I knew that she knew. It sounded like a children’s game. See how many times you can say that word in a sentence. Keep it going, and try to tie it up in the end, so it makes sense. Childs play, that’s what you’d call it. This whole situation seemed like child’s play.
I, she, we took a glance up to the sky. It was darkening now, and thick rolls of clouds fought their way across the sky. Seconds later, when we were pre-occupied by our incoming attackers, the first drop of rain splattered into our face. We looked at the middle person. He was just an ordinary worker, going through his day to day life. And then in comes the “ordinary” teenage girl. She stumbles through the staff lounge, and suddenly everyone feels compelled to stop her. I could read it in his eyes; he didn’t want to do this. I supposed that he was just fighting because of the man… Henry. He was the one that I had to stop. He didn’t look like he was on my side, even though my untitled friend knew him. A quick glance around the rest of the crowd, excluding Henry, and I saw that no-one really wanted to be here. They must be following along, like lemmings off a cliff. The only person that did want to get me looked awfully official. Government official that was, so it seemed that it was in their nations interest to help him out.
He lunged.
My concentration was lacking at the moment, reason being that my currently silent friend was in charge. Time slowed down at that moment, from when his fist clenched tight, until the first fist to face connection was made. In that minuscule time that I was preparing for onslaught, I was waiting for my vigilant passenger to take control. I counted down the milliseconds in sets of ten, waiting, and expecting. 10… 20… 30… why was evasive action being left until the last moment? I soon found out the answer: It wasn’t. There was plenty of time to dodge, and then pack a punch in the milliseconds that I was waiting, but for some reason she didn’t respond. Was she thinking about the others, like me?
I spat out blood as the fist contacted with me cheek. Somehow, the blow bought me to the ground.
Once all of my weight was on my hands, I felt my legs twist through the air and contact with something hard. This action wasn’t involuntary, more instinctive. I could tell that my unnamed friend had left me alone to fight the battle, but somehow I knew how to fight, hence the automatic grappling of my legs to henry's knees. As I felt the sudden stop, I found that they were roots into the ground, those legs, despite my attempts to sweep Henry off his feet, they remained planted into the concrete alleyway paving like a tree would in a forest; completely unmovable.
I should have bought a jackhammer from the construction site. A rouge thought forced its way through my head. In a time like this there was no time to joke around. As my legs hit the concrete hard, I had little time to think up another plan.
I had just enough time to get on my feet. I stood there, ignoring the workers, who were standing there, looking unsure of themselves. One actually started to inch towards the door, intending to hide from the rain.
It was getting harder now, almost like a flash flood, it was a rapid storm, obstructing my view, just enough that I could only make out moving objects through the haze. All color had left the world, and I shivered as I shot my hands out in front of me. Vaguely aware of the goose bumps on my arms, I fought desperately for Henry's face, lunging forward, and he did the same to me. We met in a vice grip, much like a fight between schoolboys, clutching at each other, neither willing to let go. It was immediately evident that he would win; his grasp much stronger and fiercer than mine.
Despite my best efforts, Fear ran through me as I realized that I was no longer touching ground. Was this it? If I took another blow to the earth, my malnourished body would surely succumb to the stress and the lights would go out.
People say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. I had no life to reminisce in, so I couldn’t be certain if these were my final moments. My heart skipped a beat as I reached the apex of the arc, and then plummeted when the dreaded feeling of free falling took over. His hands were still tight, using his muscular build to throw me to the ground as hard as he could. Five faces stuck out, all looking on in horror, crystal clear through the rain the stung my eyes. Some were trying to forget the scene that had just unraveled in front of them, while others were silently egging Henry on. I could almost read their minds by what expressions I saw that moment. The one on the far left was reciting the events, re-editing them until they sounded perfect for tomorrow’s newspaper. While next to him, there was a scrawny looking female, clinging to his arm. She was trying to tear herself away, through the door and back to everyday life, but she couldn’t. It was impossible to forget something like this. Just before I hit the ground, a thought flashed through my mind.
None of them would know. None would remember the events that happened today.
By tomorrow, this would all be a bad dream that was like a whisper in the breeze.
That was who I was up against; that’s why Henry didn’t bother calling for help, or producing Id.
I was up against the government; the secret service and all that is clandestine. I could never win.
With the bone crunching sound of limbs hitting concrete, I fell into a deep, dark sleep.
I could never have won. What was I thinking?



------------------------

Sorry if I forgot to put anything in italics, I had a lot to do in this chapter!
I really need help with this chapter, all and any comments appreciated, and yes, it is very short. I apologize for that too!
Last edited by asxz on Sat Feb 14, 2009 6:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 2
Okie-dokie.
Let's see if I can help. I critique as I read along, excuse my confusion.


It’s dark and stormy night, thunder thriving in the background.

I have to say, this is not the best way to start a story. Most people would view this as cliched. It's best to just say there was a storm than start it off that way.

I like the way you describe the horror movie.

Right now I am reading the part where she goes Henry! Henry! In italics. I must confess, I am confused as to what is happening. Is this the horror movie or is the main character being chased by a person in black? Maybe you would like to clarify, because after multiple reads, I still have no idea what is happening.
Best to read on...
Yes, I am very confused. This is not the movie, I am presuming. I know that there is a killer living next door based on your brief summary, but what is happening? How did the killer get into the house? Where are her parents? Is she dreaming?
in what I immediately knew was karate stance

Maybe add an 'a' in between 'was' and 'karate'.

Construction site? I thought she was at home...watching a scary movie...???

Voice I reminded myself, only one voice.

Comma between 'voice' and 'I'. Maybe you need to italicize 'only one voice' since we are going back into her thoughts.
Surely all of the psychiatrists say voices, right?

I don't understand what you mean by this.
I just had an imposter hi-jacking my body, as I ran from mysterious men

What?! An imposter was hi-jacking her body? I don't recall...

It really was like a cinema.

I thought she was watching a cinema...
But otherwise, great descriptions. I like the way you described her actions without really telling it. Although I am completely confused, I am enjoying the writing.

Henry is a she?
Yes, who is 'she'?

Childs play, that’s what you’d call it.

Childs - Child's play. Because it's possesive.

Okay, I'm at the part where your main character and 'she' are looking up at the sky. This has to be a dream, right?
spat out blood as the fist contacted with me cheek.

with my cheek? Typo.

bought me to the ground.

Brought me to the ground. Another typo.

my legs to henry's knees.

Capitilize Henry. Another typo??

were roots into the ground, those legs,

They were rooted into the ground.

I'm at the scene where they (MC and Henry) are fighting. I haven't read the beginning chapters, so I don't really understand why they are fighting and I'm not sure where they are and when he appeared.

If there are people there, why aren't they stopping the fight?

, or producing Id.

I believe you mean ID as in Identification.

I am finished reading.
Okay, I have no clue what just happened. The only thing I could decipher was the horror movie. The 'unnamed friend' threw me off. The fight with Henry seemed useless.
But on the bright side, your writing is very good and I like your use of big words and how you describe things.

Happy Writings!
:)
[Insert odd signature here that makes you wonder if I'm really human]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 2
Oh, excuse me.
I have mixed up your story with another. Forget the thing I said about living next to a killer.
Sorry for that.
[Insert odd signature here that makes you wonder if I'm really human]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
ha ha, Were you just reading the prologue for Shepherd and lamb? Because I was, and I just thought of that when you said "Killer next door" Any-who... I can see why you're confused! This is the third chapter in my book, It is all explained if you read chapter 1/2/prologue! I have a link here...

Prologue
Chapter 1 Part 1
Chapter 1 Part 2
Chapter 2 Part 1
Chapter 2 part 2

Thanks for the help! (and I wasn't too sure about that ID thing, It didn't look right whatever way I put it! Thanks!)
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 145
Hey there,

I've noticed that this is the last of the parts that is on YWS, so I'm hoping you'll be posting more sometime. When you do, try to remember to PM me and I'll be your reviewer again ^^

You’re brought back into reality,


[s]into[/s] to.

The man in black was accelerating now, seeing that there was no way out.


This struck me as odd. If you have someone cornered, and see that there is no possible escape, wouldn't you slow down rather than speed up? He can walk slowly, she's trapped anyway.

people who defiantly won't let me through...


[s]Defiantly[/s] definitely.

Was I hearing her thoughts? Well, I reasoned, it would make sense… seeing she is inside me and all. But it hadn’t happened like this before. I could never hear her thoughts, only pointers in difficult times. This wasn’t right.


If it wasn't thoughts she was hearing, what was it? :wink: it sure as hell wasn't a voice speaking out loud, earlier. So.. to the reader there isn't such a difference between this and the way it was before. Your MC's surprise seems a bit too much.

like a viper with a wasp.


Huh? This doesn't make sense to me.

He wasn’t shocked or anything, he simply moved with my body.


This sounds like they're dancing, hehe ^^

Voice I reminded myself, only one voice.


You need to fix your punctuation here.

hi-jacking my body, as I ran from mysterious men.


[s]hi-jack.[/s] highjack, or hijack.

The peachy hands still protected me


Peachy hand? It seems a bit odd to describe it like this.

Childs play, that’s what you’d call it. This whole situation seemed like child’s play.


Childs or child's? You use both there ^

I, she, we took a glance up to the sky.


The I, she, we seems a bit odd. It could work, with different punctuation. Not sure how, and I do like the idea, it's just seems a bit unusual like this.

Government official that was, so it seemed that it was in their nations interest to help him out.


I think it should be "nation's" - though my punctuation is terrible, and I'm not entirely sure.
but somehow I knew how to fight, hence the automatic grappling of my legs to henry's knees.


Henry's.

Fear ran through me as I realized that I was no longer touching ground. Was this it? If I took another blow to the earth, my malnourished body would surely succumb to the stress and the lights would go out.


To be honest, I think that having the lights go out wouldn't be due to stress, but simply due to the physical effects of the attack.
By tomorrow, this would all be a bad dream that was like a whisper in the breeze.


I don't see how a bad dream is like a whisper in the breeze, to be frank.

or producing Id.


I think you mean ID. Also, "producing ID" doesn't work so well. You'd be better off saying "taking out an ID" or something along those lines.

^_^

I enjoyed reading your story, all the parts of it, and will definitely read more if you post more.

PM me if anything is unclear.

XxxDo




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 60568
Reviews 537
First of all:

It is not too short. Don't worry, and don't apologize for it being short. If it had been long, I might not have been able to keep my three-day guarantee in my Emporium! :shock: It would be a disgrace to my name!

But, back to your story. :wink:

Momentarily observing the precision of my memory, the utter clarity in which I could recall, I knew that I was no ordinary high school student.


This seems too wordy to me. I'd suggest either keeping what's bolded or what's underlined, but not both. While your vocabulary is impressive, it doesn't necessarily aid you in telling this story. As someone told me a while ago, you don't want your readers reached for their dictionaries! [/exageration]

Does that mean that I’m going crazy? Surely all of the psychiatrists say voices, right? No, I wasn’t going crazy. I just had an imposter hi-jacking my body, as I ran from mysterious men. That wasn’t crazy, was it? The man, Henry, was advancing upon me; despite what I was sure was a ferocious look on my face.


The bolded sentence belongs in a new paragraph. You're talking about craziness, and then you're talking about Henry. The trasition will work if you start an entire new paragraph about being chased by Henry.
I wasn’t sure really. It was funny, without being the one to personally mould your face into the exact right shape; you don’t know what you have really.


Don't use 'really' twice, so closely together.

It was a freaky sensation


'Freaky' seems inadequate. You have such a sophisticated-talking MC, and then you use 'freaky'. What about 'odd', 'strange' or 'disconcerting'?

This time I could sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. I didn’t have to worry what was happening; my unnamed friend could take care of whatever her, our, enemies threw in the way.


*Unrealistic alert!* I love the horror movie analogy you have going, but no one in their right mind would think they could enjoy the ride while being chased, possibly fasing death, and when they can't even control their own body. Because, if you think about it, it's her body that will be beaten/hurt/captured if they get caught. She'd be much more apprehensive than this. Freaking out, more likely. It's a chase! Hype it up to be one, instead of regarding it mildly as a move.

:arrow: Quick note:

It seems like you're trying to come up with as many nicknames for Mc. Voice as humanly possible. Don't. This will only confuse your readers, going from 'backsit driver' to 'unnamed friend'. It isn't terribly difficult to follow if you're paying strict attention, but we shouldn't have to pay strict attention. We should be able to read without straining our minds trying to keep up. It's alright to use these imaginative names every once in a while, but not so often that it confuses us. I think your MC needs to come up with a name for her companion, and quickly, too, so we may put this all behind us.

:arrow: All-around, over-all, and other hyphenated words.

So! This is the last you've asked me to review, and the last posted on YWS. I think you've got an interesting storyline going for you, so far. However, I think you need to really work hard on doing the following...

:arrow: Developing your character/characters

Add more characters, of course. This isn't a one man show. It should be diferent lives weaving together to form a giant, cohesive plot line. You're almost there, dear. Almost. However, I still am begging (BEGGING!) for a name for your MC. I can't relate to this stranger. I know that she doesn't remember anything, and that she's being chased by the government, but there's got to be more. What are her traits? Even without her memory, green may still be her favorite color, and she might still be allergic to peanuts. Even without her memory you can show that she takes things very seriously, or is very impatient. Even without her memory, you can and need to still develop her.

Ya?

:arrow: Confusion Factort

Far to high, m'dear. We're so often lost in your fancy words and choppy chnges between thoughts/paragraphs/scenes, that we can hardly concentrate on your wonderful writing style or beautiful analogies. You want us to be able to comprehend what's going on, so you need to take a step back, re-read your story, and figure out what needs figuring out. Okay? Make it so we can read it without wandering what in tarnation is going on.

:arrow: Ms. Voice

Tell us more. Does the voice sound familiar? Can MC talk to the voice in her head whenever she likes? What does the MC think about the voice? Does she feel invaded? Or is she glad for the assistance when she'd, otherwise, be all alone in a big world.

So! Good luck with this, good job with editing and finishing, and I shall see you around!

~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
Okay, thank you Evi! I'll work on that, and then edit the posts in a couple of days.
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
As Evi has once again stolen all my nit-picks.

So here are the things you need to work on:

I will summarize everything I have told you over the course of these reviews here.

--The Main Character

They need a:
--name
--gender
--backstory

--Emotions

Your character needs to feel more things such as confusion and fear.

--The Voice

Stay consitant with it... sometimes it is in a chapter, and sometimes it isn't. Also define who/what the voice is.

Sorry, I realize that this was not very helpful at all, but all the nit-picks have been taken, and I have some detailed over-alls on your other chapters.

Well, I've reached the end of Split Personalities.

Goodbye and good luck writing it!

Hope this helped,
~~~~~Haruno Sakura~~~~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
All nit-picks have been stolen.

Plot: I feel like the plot has ended. Really, I do. Between the long, a bit drawn out segment about her thinking she's going to die and the repeated mention of Henry's strength, I feel she's dead. In my opinion, this could use an overhaul.

Take the elements you have right now:

An MC who knows where she fits on the high-school social scene.
An MC who also has the talents of a master-spy.

As of right now, neither of them have a back-story and neither of them have any real link to each other. How could she know about normal high-school life if she's supposedly been training all these years?

Description: I don't really like the film formatting you're using here. It feels lazy because you're not describing anything in great detail. And when you do start to describe things, those descriptions are rather long-winded and blend in with the earlier idea that she's not in control of her body. Tell us how the ground feels under her shoes, the air rushing by her limbs as she kicks and punches, the sense that her timing is off because she got hit in the jaw, ect. The one description I did like was the lines where she's in the rain and fighting. I liked how you described the movement and the haze of the water. However, you lost me again with the school-boy metaphor.

Those are the two main things here. I hope my critiques have been helpful!

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird