Where is my radiant sun?

I am an opaque night in a superficial world,
Evaded because of my silent breeze.
They all look but do not see;
Reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity;
My chilling essence lingers, frozen in time,
Concealed by my eternal howls.
Do I need to show myself enraged,
Causing destruction and sorrow to be avowed?
Wishing only to bring comfort and joy to others;
I cause my own anguish with desolation.
With my thousands eyes, sparkling with determination,
Looking upon those who share my seclusion;
But is there none to alleviate my pain?
I emerge each day, in hope for that one
To accompany me into ecstasy.
Making my spirit wholesome forever more;
Never judging my dark, ominous manifestation.
I wait for only you endlessly each night, for there is no other
To quench me from my isolation.
The intensity of your passion brings my darkness ablaze;
Ignite me with your consuming blaze.
My silence screams to you, yearning for your presence.
I wait in my lonesome misery;
How long will you make me wait for your radiant sun?

Hi there Velvet Night! Nice to meet you-- welcome to YWS! I'm June, your critic for the moment, and I am going to run over this for you .

Also! YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, meaning that for every one piece of work you post you should have reviewed at lease two pieces by someone else.

Here we go!

*

To summarize everything I am about to say into one line, this poem is very, very nice.


It's so delicate, and it's almost perfect. I love the imagery, the rhythm-- everything you're using here, is just so vivid.

Let's nit pick a little bit . Nothing too serious:

• This poem needs punctuation! Punctuation is your writing's body language! It helps us understand what you're not writing out in words. We could use a lot of semicolons, commas and periods in this poem. I'll demonstrate, dear. My corrections will be in bold. Here we go:

I am an opaque night in a superficial world,

evaded because [s]of[/s] my silent breeze.

they all look but do not see;

reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity; - , - .

my chilling essence lingers, frozen in time,

concealed by my eternal howls.

• In the second line, I crossed out "of". Of is basically a filler word, meaning that it just takes up two characters of space and the human brain isn't actually recognizing it . It's not actually needed, dear. (All of that confusing stuff at the end is just suggesting what punctuation to use )

• Also! I think (but this is just my opinion!) that you should capitalize the first letter in every line. It's common in modern poetry, and it helps our modernized eyes to read the work faster and more effectively.

• I underlined the second line because I'm not sure what it means. It's rather confusing to read and understand, dear, and that's probably because it's switching abruptly from one tone to another .Just keep an eye on your "voice" and read it aloud to make sure you don't confuse your audience.

do i need to show myself enraged,

• The pronoun I shall always be capitalized, especially if it's capitalized at other times in a piece.


* *

You have a few places in this poem that could use punctuation, dear, and remember to keep your I's capitalized.

* * *

Overall, I really did like this. It was sweet, and I love poems that relate to nature . Brilliant job, and welcome to YWS!

Be sure to get a few reviews done, dear. Keep it up!

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

June

"reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity"
It means ... reveal to me life's requirements to have a known existence, in other words
I'm saying tell me what i have to do so people notice me...

Sorry if that wasn't clear, just trying to use big words : ) lol

Thanks for the insight June!

Hi! Here's the review you asked for:

They all look[INSERT COMMA] but do not see;

Just read through your work and put commas wherever you take a breath.

Reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity;

This line is quite a mouthful! Just read through. It doesn't fit with the other lyrics in the paragraph.

With my thousands eyes, sparkling with determination,

This line need to be shorter, may I suggest this:

My thousand eyes, sparkling with determination.
I'm not saying that my example is the best... because I don't really do Lyrics that much, but you just have to shorten the sentence by a syllable or two!

The intensity of your passion brings my darkness ablaze;

Ignite me with your consuming blaze.

May I suggest you use another word than blaze... Really, they are the same word and it sounds off. When trying to rhyme, it's best to use words that half rhyme, or have the same last 2/3 letters.

Overall:
I don't really get this song. It would work better as a poem, mainly because I couldn't find a real beat to it, and it's a little too short to be a song. The words were good, but I couldn't find meaning. You use lovely descritions in your work, but the rest sounded just like a bunch of words thrown together. You could make a great poet/musician one day, but you need to work hard, even though you're actually pretty good.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but then again; I don't really like music that much. If you want a proper opinion, then I would suggest asking someone else, I just do mainly grammar and stuff that doesn't fit.
Sorry for the bad review, but I hope I was of help!

O sorry, it's meant to be a poem not a song.

The poem is about someone waiting for someone to comfort them, to
see them, and accept them for who they are, without judging them.

Please tell me if there is something you don't understand because everything in
my poem makes perfect sense and has meaning to it.

But thanks for the review.

Yeah, reading back on it I kinda get it, I just wasn't really in the mood a while ago. This is posted in the 'Lyric Poetry' forum, so I think that means that it should be a song. You could try and get it moved to 'Other poetry', or just make sure you post it in the right forum next time. :]

Hey VN, Stella here, as requested!!!

Okay, now I notice you've already got some reviews... as June told you, we operate a two to one review:work ratio on YWS. Your review count is currently at zero. Please up it immediately. The rule is so that everyone gets reviewed - us lovelies are reviewing you, so it's up to you to review other people... okay? I know you can do it .

Now, poetry isn't my forté, but I'll give it a go!

I. NITPICKS

Reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity;

Who be they asking this /referring to?

With my thousands eyes, sparkling with determination,

Repetition of with isn't working...

Okay...

II. ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM

Let's face it, no one enjoys a conversation with somebody who uses too many big words. Look at the Quote for the Week on the YWS homepage. Don't say infinitely when you mean very, because when something really needs infinitely, you'll have to find an even bigger word.

Perhaps it's a matter of taste, but I love the simple things. If you look at any of my own writings you'll see that. Some big words are fine, but don't act like a walking-talking thesaurus that's spent the past ten years googling words with more than thirty-two letters and reading Christopher Paolini. The thing is, the meaning is lost. I'm not even sure what half of the words you used mean, and so while trying to figure them out, I'm not as fussed about the poem itself.

III. OVERALL

It left me a bit so-so, to tell the truth. Your vocabulary is excellent, but I think your poem was just a little too overloaded. Calm it down a bit -you did have some really nice lines in here, and if you calm the rest they'll shine more

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

(Don't forget those two reviews )

-Stella.

velvetnight1313 wrote:I am an opaque night in a superficial world,
Evaded because of my silent breeze.
They all look but do not see;
Reveal to me life's requisition to have known entity;
My chilling essence lingers, frozen in time,
Concealed by my eternal howls.
Do I need to show myself enraged,
Causing destruction and sorrow to be avowed?
Wishing only to bring comfort and joy to others;
I cause my own anguish with desolation.
With my thousands eyes, sparkling with determination,
Looking upon those who share my seclusion;
But is there none to alleviate my pain?
I emerge each day, in hope for that one
To accompany me into ecstasy.
Making my spirit wholesome forever more;
Never judging my dark, ominous manifestation.
I wait for only you endlessly each night, for there is no other
To quench me from my isolation.
The intensity of your passion brings my darkness ablaze;
Ignite me with your consuming blaze.
My silence screams to you, yearning for your presence.
I wait in my lonesome misery;
How long will you make me wait for your radiant sun?

Hi Velvet ^^ Shina here. I'll be your reviewer for today.

I agree with Stella on this one. It is definitely overloaded. It's about quality, not quantity. Also, a large quantity of quality cancels out the quality. Don't feel the need to overuse the use of big words. Your ideas are nice, but they don't surface. It was so-so.

That's all I have for now.

~Shina

First off, I would like to say that I find this poem to be intriguing. There's some areas that need to be worked on, but I agree it IS a very delicate piece of work, and I enjoyed reading it. You wrote this poem in a way that's not only wanting to give a little bit of hope to whatever you were going through, the [as I call them] "Rainy Days" but you also encrypted a little bit of darkness into it. The way that you put your words together and used words like "entity, opaque night, and chilling essence" it drew me in and left me wanting to hear more from you. You kind of remind me of me when I write. I like encrypting a little bit of darkness, fear, pain, and just evident mystery into my writings. I think it gets your readers into your work, and it also leaves them with a slue of questions. "Who is this person? What type of style do they have? Are they a dark person in reality?" You know, things like that. It pulls them into you in a smooth and steady sense, and there's alot of people also in the music biz who like the added twist. You said "My chilling essence lingers, frozen in time Concealed by eternal howls." It almost would make someone want to know are you like a Goth? Are you into the "rebirth" of your soul and spirit? Like do you believe that at certain points in your life you're an actual animal such as a coyote or lion, or a seething, defiant snake? Are you rebellious, do you have limits, or are you just a free spirit roaming the Earth wanting to become a little desolate?" When you said the part of "eternal howls" Did you feel as if your pain or desire to be set free made you take form of some type of four legged creature, and you yelled out as does a dog when he's hungry or hurt? You get what I'm saying? This poem was great, if I was Siskel and Ebert[haha] I would give it TWO THUMBS UP!! But since I'm not, in my own special way, TWO THUMBS UP!!