Chapter one : Caught

*not really sure what to call the book yet any suggestions welcome I don't care if their cheesy either*



Chapter one: Caught

Ring,ring The phone paused for second before continuing. Jack pulled himself out of bed, pulled his phone out of his jeans and went turn on the computer before answering it. "ello" Jack said not really paying much attention as he fiddled to light a cigarette in his mouth. "Hey Jack it's Mira" A light warm voice said. Jack took the smoke out of his mouth. So he could talk to his girlfriend "hey Mira, I swear you were going round Emily's what changed?"
"oh she got a bit drunk and went off with Danny to some cheap hotel room to do well you know" She replied through the phone. "Bad choice, AID's here I come for her"
"shut up, Danny doesn't have AID's".
"Yes he does, why does no one believe me when I say that, it's true". Jack could here unbelieving laughter from the phone. "Jack you started that rumour so that people would stop having sex with him, we all no that silly competition you have with him, Ur who can ave the most sex with different girls" She finished with putting on a boyish voice.,
" Fine, fine so what he's winning six, four including Emily, the slut"
"shut up Jack I know you don't like her but she's my best friend"
"I don't like her because she's a slut".
"shut up Jack, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to see a rubbish movie, you know like Twilight but now that your cussing my friend maybe I'll just hang u...."
"no no no please Mira I won't cuss Emily for the rest of the week, I really wasting my puppy dog face but oh well"
"fine I forgive you, meet at four p.m at the odeon"
"yeah great remember I told Emily she's a slut" Jack said and heard some giggling before the phone hanged up. Jack went back to lighting his cigarette he poked his toe at the curtain and opened it. As usual it was raining typical Britain.

Jack sat smoking his fifth cigarette waiting for his Two friend who were sleeping on the sofa to wake up. Jack liked his two friend who were slouched on the sofa but he had to admit they were kinda of pussies, Last night they'd had two drinks and they were hammered Jack had had twice as many and didn't feel anything but Jack had to take them home typical. Jack looked over to James he was normal height with black hair and a stupid moustache "Christ Jack I must of had like 8 drinks I feel hammered"
"you had two hard man" Jack said mockingly putting out his cigarette when he turned back to James he looked pissed off "what the hell are you doing smoking in my mums house if she smells it she'll go mad"
"don't lose you head mate just spray some oust around here it covers up the smell real good" Jack said not really caring if James mum got mad,. James was always getting yelled at for some reason or the other. Jack casually pulled out another cigarette, ignoring James warning, and lit it, sucking up the smoky flavour before blowing it out in a neat little spiral. "why do you do that shit Jack? you don't even like it."
"true- your right. You know, I tried one and I got addicted."
"Yeah, and now you smoke 25 a day. 15 year old with a smoking problem- that's gonna look good on you resamay mate."
Jack laughed a little before getting up to go have a shower.


Jack walked casualy into the Odeon. He was surprised to see few people inside and no Mira. A group of five Asian blokes walked up to him; they were dressed in tracksuits and had cap's pulled over their faces. "Are you Jack?" the one in the middle said with a strong London accent.
"Na! don't know who ya talking about mate." Jack replied, playing up his irish accent. the leader sighed. "Medium height brown hair shorty long bit of an Irish accent - yeah I think you are mate."
"shit" Jack said ,pissing himself a little bit as the leader took out a worn silver gun.

The mere idea of understanding this gives me a headache. Not only does the grammar make Aunt Josephine want to jump out The Wide Window, but such a plot I've never seen, and hope ne'er to see again.

In short, my good man, there isn't a plot. From what I managed to glean, there's a guy who's telling his girlfriend that her friend's boyfriend has AIDs, and then something about how he only said it so no one'll have sex with this other guy... uhmkay? Then he makes a really dumb joke about -shudder- Edward Cullen, and he goes to the Od-whatsit and some Asian dudes shoot him.

If your point was to make sure no one ever read any more of this story ever, than I wholeheartedly congratulate you - if, by some wild and insane perchancit you meant to make people want to read more, I am sorry to inform you this wasn't the way to go about it.

First, clean up your punctuation. It's nothing short of horrid and no one that I know of on here would want to read it with all the grammar and spelling and punctuation mistakes splattered across it. After you've managed that, and if you still want to write this, try to make it a little more interesting than a guy talking to his girlfriend and then going to some obscure theater somewhere, yes? And PM me when you do - I'd like to see it after its monumental change.

Good luck!

-SELA

Hi I'm intrigued as to what happens next- nice cliffhanger at the end. You've got quite a few punctuation mistakes, so I'll go through each paragraph and try to pick them out. I have to say this work does need some going over, if you want to stick with it though then I think the plotline can be pretty good

Ring, ring. The phone paused for a second before continuing. Jack pulled himself out of bed and pulled his phone out of his jeans and went to turn on the computer before answering it.
"'Ello," Jack said, not really paying much attention as he fiddled to light a cigarette in his mouth.
"Hey Jack, it's Mira." A light warm voice said.
Jack took the smoke out of his mouth so he could talk to his girlfriend. "Hey Mira, I swear you were going round Emily's what changed?"

Ok so here I have added in the punctuation mistakes and some missed out words (a and it). You need to start the beginning of someone speaking with a capital letter and end it with a coma, fullstop, question mark or exclamation mark. You should also start speech from a different person on a new line. I'd advise putting the ring ring in italics aswell.

Jack pulled himself out of bed and pulled his phone out of his jeans and went turn on the computer before answering it.

This is quite a long sentence, you could break it up into two or rearrange it a bit. Also you use pulled twice where I think a better word could be used- such as drew for the second pulled or heaved for the first. So it would look something like this- 'Jack heaved himself out of bed, pulling his mobile out of his jeans and turning on his computer before answering the phone.'

"Oh, she got a bit drunk and went off with Danny to some cheap hotel room to do- well you know." She replied through the phone. "Bad choice, AID's here I come for her."
"Shut up, Danny doesn't have AID's."
"Yes he does. Why does no one believe me when I say that, it's true." Jack could here unbelieving laughter from the phone.
"Jack, you started that rumour so that people would stop having sex with him, we all no that silly competition you have with him. Ur who can have the most sex with different girls." She finished, with putting on a boyish voice.

'Aids here I come for her' sounds wrong to me- it makes it sound like Jack is the aids Maybe something like 'She'll have aids by the end of the night.' might work better.

The here after 'Jack could' needs to be hear and the no after 'we all' needs to be know. I'd take out UR so its just 'who can have the most sex with different girls' and I'd put that in quoatation marks.

You don't need to put through the phone after replied and I'd get rid of the 'with' after 'she finished'.

" Fine, fine- so what? He's winning six- four including Emily. The slut."
"Shut up Jack. I know you don't like her but she's my best friend."
"I don't like her because she's a slut."
"Shut up Jack. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to see a rubbish movie, you know, like Twilight, but now that your cussing my friend maybe I'll just hang u...."
"No no no please Mira I won't cuss Emily for the rest of the week, I really wasting my puppy dog face, but oh well."
"Fine, I forgive you. Meet at four p.m at the odeon"
"Yeah, great- and by the way Twilight is not a rubbish movie; Edward Cullen is so sexy." Jack said and heard some giggling before the phone hanged up. Jack went back to lighting his cigarette. He poked his toe at the curtain and opened it; as usual it was raining, typical Britain.

I don't understand what you mean for 'I really wasting my puppy dog face, but oh well.' It would make more sense if you said 'I know I'm wasting my puppy dog face, but oh well.'

Hanged up should be hung up.

I think you should replace 'He poked his toe at the curtain and opened it' to something like 'He poked his toe under the curtain and drew it back.'

Jack sat smoking his fifth cigarette and waiting for his two friends, who were sleeping on the sofa, to wake up. Jack liked his two friends who were slouched on the sofa, but he had to admit they were kinda of pussies. Last night they'd had two drinks and they were hammered. Jack had had twice as many and didn't feel anything, but Jack had to take them home- typical. Jack looked over to James; he was normal height with black hair and a stupid moustache.
"Christ Jack I must of had like 8 drinks I feel hammered."
"You had two hard man." Jack said mockingly putting out his cigarette. When he turned back to James he looked pissed off.
"What the hell are you doing smoking in my mums?! house if she smells it she'll go mad!"
"Don't lose you head mate- just spray some oust around here, it covers up the smell real good." Jack said, not really caring if James mum got mad. James was always getting yelled at for some reason or the other.

I'd get rid of two before friends the second time you say two friends as we already know how many there are. I'd add on something like James muttered after the first bit of speech as otherwise its not clear who's talking.

When you say 'when he turned back to James, he looked pissed off.' It sounds as if its Jack who looks pissed off- I'd change the 'when he looked' to 'when Jack looked' to make it clear who is pissed off.

'for some reason or the other.' to me would sound better as 'for some reason or another.'

Jack casually pulled out another cigarette, ignoring James warning, and lit it, sucking up the smoky flavour before blowing it out in a neat little spiral.
"Why do you do that shit Jack? You don't even like it."
"True- your right. But, you know, I tried one and I got addicted."
"Yeah, and now you smoke 25 a day. 15 year old with a smoking problem- that's gonna look good on you resamay mate."
Jack laughed a little before getting up to go have a shower.

I couldn't see much else other than punctuation mistakes in this part

Jack walked casualy into the Odeon. He was surprised to see few people inside and no Mira. A group of five Asian blokes walked up to him; they were dressed in tracksuits and had cap's pulled over their faces.
"Are you Jack?" the one in the middle said with a strong London accent.
"Na! don't know who ya talking about mate." Jack replied, playing up his irish accent.
The leader sighed. "Medium height, brown hair, shorty, long bit of an Irish accent- yeah I think you are mate."
"Shit" Jack said, pissing himself a little bit as the leader took out a fancy silver gun.

I'd get rid of the long after shorty. I'm not that keen on 'fancy silver gun' either. I'd say something like a silver revolver.

Now onto my impressions- I was a bit confused with the conversation between Jack and Mira as isn't she is girlfriend adn wouldn't she mind if he was having a competition to sleep with as many women as possible? I'm also confused with at the ending how you could tell who was the leader- if he's standing a bit forward fro the others then tell the reader so they know that this is why Jack thinks he's the leader. I did like how you ended it and I think you have got a good story beginning

You need to work on your punctuation, I'm not great at it, but I have added it in where I can tell it is needed (you might want somebody elses advice aswell who's better at this sort of thing than me!). You miss out alot of commas and ending sentences correctly which will put off alot of reviewers who don't want to spend time correcting lots of little things. I'm sorry if this review is a bit harsh- I do hope you continue!

Hey there ^^

First things first: You should really decide on the title for your book yourself, dear. And... you say you don't mind them being cheesy; I'm certain you can come up with a title that is not cheesy, yourself!

On to the review:

Capital letters:

The first word of dialogue should be capitalized, as should the first word of every one of your sentences; read through it and make sure you take care of this, because it's an easy to fix mistake that can give your story an unprofessional look if it isn't taken care of.

Run-ons:

Oh, dear. You need to take your sentences, and chop them in half. They're too long. Here's an example:
The phone paused for second before continuing Jack pulled himself out of bed and pulled his phone out of his jeans and went turn on the computer before answering it "ello" Jack said not really paying much attention as he fiddled to light a cigarette in his mouth "hey Jack it's Mira" A light warm voice said. Do you see that you have no full stops until the very end of that paragraph? Don't always use long sentences, or short ones; but rather use both of those. You need puncutation, dear, so your sentences don't go on for miles. Be careful with sentence structure.

Chatspeak? *spazz*:

Chatspeak is bad enough, as it is. In a story, it's a mortal sin. Well, no: it is not really a mortal sin, but I'm sure you get what I mean. It's bad - let's just put it that way.
"Jack you started that rumour so that people would stop having sex with him, we all no that silly competition you have with him Ur who can have the most sex with different girls" She finished with putting on a boyish voice See that 'Ur' over there? Take it out, replace it with English

Numb3rs:

Don't use numbers in dialogue. Your character shouldn't say: "I'm 15." but rather: "I'm fifteen."
It looks nicer, and doesn't stand out so much. It's all about making those sentences flow, capturing the reader's attention, and keeping the readers attention throughout the story. A bunch of 15's, 23's and 54's and I'm fed up with it, quite frankly. Also, at one point you capitalize the word "two" in the middle of a sentence; which is not necessary.

Punctuation:

Commas. Semi-colons. Apostrophes. Full stops. Exclamation marks. Question marks.

^ Those are some of the things you're going to have to add into your story wherever you haven't yet added them (in the correct places, of course).

I do think the story has potential, but really; you need to edit it quite a bit.

Good luck with editing.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo

Ok, the language and punctuation here is terrible, and a proper review will come when you've changed the punctuation and text speak. Notify me when that severe change happens, won't you?

-Arekkusu