Into the Woods

There was nothing Elizabeth enjoyed more than the smell that rushed her nose upon entering a stable. The very scent that revolted most people excited her. The hay was like freshly cut grass, reminding her of lemonade and pool parties, and the smell of the horses themselves made something within her click. Leaving the oppressive heat of the mid morning July sun, she was immediately cooled by the protection of the stable.
“Hey there, Marigold,” Elizabeth cooed grabbing a brush off the wall. She put it over her hand and started stroking Marigold’s chestnut coat. A glossy sheen was left behind wherever she brought the brush. Continuing to occasionally talk to her horse, Elizabeth finished brushing in an otherwise silent stable. “Let’s see, what now…Are you hungry, girl?”
“She shouldn’t be. I fed her about an hour ago,” came a male’s voice from the doorway. “She might be a little thirsty, though.” Elizabeth looked up to see Ryan, the owner’s son, walk over to his horse.
“How has old Charming been lately?” she asked moving to the cream colored beast.
“He seems to have had his eye on Ms. Marigold. Looks like we’re gonna be in-laws,” he laughed, flashing a slightly crooked smile at Elizabeth. She returned the grin and went back to her own horse. “Do you have anywhere to be today?”
Elizabeth threw him a look over her shoulder. “Do I ever?”
“Guess not,” Ryan said, laughing once again. “Do you want to go for a ride? You know, so these two can have a date, and we can chaperone them.”
“How very Victorian of us.” Elizabeth let out the giggle she had been stifling and threw a saddle over Marigold’s back. She took the ever-present navy elastic off her wrist and used it to secure her sandy hair into a braid that reached far down her back. After guiding Marigold out of her stall, she and Ryan mounted their horses and started off down the trail.
Gripping the coarse leather reins in both hands, Elizabeth urged Marigold to go faster. She laughed at Ryan’s cries as she jetted ahead. Beaming like a preschooler in the toy aisle, she felt the air rush by her, whispering on her skin.
“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to do that anymore!” Ryan panted incredulously when she finally slowed down and he caught up.
“No, you agreed I would never do that again. And hey, why are you out of breath? Charming there was the one who was doing all the work!” He said nothing in response. “I’m tired of taking this route all the time,” she said looking at the wide-open space about her. “Can we make our own path today?”
“I don’t see why not. Let’s cut through the woods.” He took the lead this time, turning right into the cluster of trees. “Can you believe I’ve lived on this farm all my life and I have never been this way before?”
“I haven’t either, and I’ve been coming here since I was three. It’ll be an adventure.”
Ryan and Elizabeth rode through uncharted territory together, throwing zingers at one another and laughing the way they always did late into the afternoon. When they got to the point where hunger controlled their every thought, they decided to head back in.
“Haven’t we been this way before?” Elizabeth asked at one point with a slight twinge of fear in her voice.
“That’s kind of the point of going back the way we came, isn’t it? Besides, we’re in the woods. Everything looks the same. No need to worry, Bethy.” Ryan gave her quick reassuring wink and continued on.
Suddenly Elizabeth was in a movie as time slowed to an excruciating pace. A rabbit ran out from behind a tree onto the path in front of them. A spooked Charming reared back into the air and Elizabeth helplessly watched as Ryan was thrown from the horse and smacked his head on a tree trunk on the way down. She didn’t know how he could have made such a loud noise when he finally hit the ground, and was certain she heard a bone crack as Charming ran off.
Once the scene had played out, Elizabeth was fully in the moment again and the world went back to real time. Jumping off Marigold and tying her to a branch in one fluid motion, she crouched down next to her friend. She couldn’t help but touch the wide gash that had spread across his forehead, but then immediately wiped the warm, sticky liquid on her pants. Ryan’s eyes fluttered for a moment as he struggled with the simple task of taking a breath. She looked around her, trying to decide what to do. Even if she could lift him onto her horse and bring him back in, she would probably make things worse if he hurt his neck or back. Quickly tearing off the bottom portion of her thin t-shirt, Elizabeth wrapped it around his head to try to stop the bleeding.
“I’m going to go get help, Ryan. I’ll be right back,” she said, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.
Wheezing horrifically, Ryan raised his hand to touch her on the cheek. She covered over it with her own hand. He smiled pathetically as he said, “Don’t cry. No need to worry, Bethy.” Hot tears poured from her eyes as she got up and mounted Marigold, riding faster than she ever had before.
A surge of guilt was mounting within the pit of her stomach, spinning like a hurricane gathering strength over the ocean before coming to devastate the coast. She couldn’t help but think that this was all her fault. If they had just stuck to the trail this never would have happened. Struggling to find her way out of the woods, Elizabeth rode towards where the most sunlight was peeking through the trees.
But then she just knew. Every inside her sank, and she just knew. Elizabeth pulled Marigold up short, almost falling off herself, then turned and guided the horse back the way they came from.
This time she wasn’t lost. She knew exactly how to get to where she needed to be. She eased Marigold along, having no reason to rush. She saw Charming first. The horse had come back to find his owner. Fresh tears decorated her face as she watched Charming nudge Ryan’s arm and whimper when he got no response. She once again dismounted Marigold, not bothering to tie her up. Elizabeth settled against a tree, pulling Ryan’s head onto her lap. Starring off into the distance, she began to stroke his hair.
“No need to worry, Ryan,” she whispered, lifting his soft strands and letting them slip through her fingers.
Both Ryan and the air had become cold before their families came out of the darkness and found them.

I really like this piece, I think the plot is terrific. As for critiques I just have some nitpicky stuff. I wish I had known about YWS when I was in Creative Writing, it would have been so helpful!

There was nothing Elizabeth enjoyed more than the smell that rushed her nose upon entering a stable. The very scent that revolted most people excited her. The hay was like freshly cut grass, reminding her of lemonade and pool parties, and the smell of the horses themselves made something within her click. [s]On this day, she was particularly eager.[/s] Leaving the oppressive heat of the mid morning July sun, she was immediately cooled by the protection of the stable. [s]Smiling, she went over to her horse.[/s]

I love the description about lemonade and pool parties, it invokes my own memories of childhood summer breaks. The sentences that are striked through I think just weaken the paragraph and aren't really that necessary.

“Hey there, Marigold,” Elizabeth cooed grabbing a brush off the wall. She put it over her hand and started stroking Marigold’s chestnut coat. A glossy sheen was left behind wherever she brought the brush. [s]Continuing to occasionally talk to her horse, Elizabeth finished brushing in an otherwise silent stable.[/s] “Let’s see, what now…Are you hungry, girl?”

I think the sentence I striked out was redundant and again weakens the paragraph. Also I don't know much about horses, but I'm pretty sure I don't think about excercising right after I've eaten a meal. Since that is Elizabeth's intent, to take Marigold out on a ride, I'd have Elizabeth ask Marigold if she was ready to take a ride. But obviously this would disrupt the rest of the conversation with Ryan so it is completely up to you.

Elizabeth glanced over her shoulder and threw him a look. “Do I ever?”

This is redundant, have it say something like she threw him a look over her shoulder, instead. I think that flows much better.

Beaming like a preschooler in the toy aisle, she felt the air rush by her, whispering on her skin [s]for only a moment before continuing on[/s].

This is one great run-on sentence. I love how you explain she is like a kid in a toy aisle and the wind whispering on her skin. However, I'm not sure your commas are in the proper place and it just seems like too many words.

“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to do that anymore!” Ryan panted incredulously when he [s]she[/s] finally [s]slowed down and he[/s] caught up.

That flows better.

“I’m tired of taking this rout all the time,” she said looking at the wide-open space about her. “Can we make our own path today?”

Rout is spelled Route.

“I haven’t either[s], and I’ve been coming here since I was three[/s]. It’ll be an adventure.”

Ryan and Elizabeth seem to have a pretty well-established relationship, so having Elizabeth tell him how long she has been coming to that ranch makes it seem as if they are just getting to know each other. I think it is just a sneaky way to tell the reader a little inside information about Elizabeth.

Ryan and Elizabeth rode through uncharted territory together, throwing zingers at one another [s]and laughing the way they always late into the afternoon[/s]. When they got to the point where hunger controlled their every thought, they decided to head back in.

I just don't like that sentence. It does nothing to enhance the story, it just feels like filler. Also, what are zingers?

“Haven’t we been this way before?” Elizabeth asked at one point with a slight twinge of fear in her voice.

I'm as confused as Ryan as to why Elizabeth says this? And why is she afraid? It doesn't really make sense.

“That’s kind of the point of going back the way we came, isn’t it? Besides, we’re in the woods. Everything looks the same. No need to worry, Bethy.” Ryan gave her quick reassuring pat on the back and continued on.

When you are riding on animals as large as horses, you'd have to get pretty close and then lean a little to pat someone on the back. It just doesn't sound like a natural movement. If you want him to reassure her, maybe have him give her a wink or just have a reassuring tone of voice.

Suddenly Elizabeth was in a movie as time inched along. A rabbit ran out from behind a tree onto the path in front of them. A spooked Charming reared back into the air and Elizabeth helplessly watched as Ryan was thrown from the horse and smacked his head on a tree trunk [s]on the way down[/s]. She didn’t know how he could have made such a loud noise when he finally hit the ground. She was certain she heard a bone crack as Charming ran off.

I'm not sure I like the first sentence, maybe instead of inched along have something like: as time slowed to an excrutiating pace. The last two sentences sound kind of redundant. I'd rewrite it to say something like: Elizabeth listened to the sickening crunch of bones as Charming bolted away. Idk, something like that.

Once the scene had played out, Elizabeth was fully in the moment again and the world went back to real time.

You use once, a lot in this story. It sounds like a persuasive essay. First, then, finally, in conclusion. I'd reword it to say: Someone pushed fast forward and time regained it's normal speed.

Quickly tearing off the bottom portion of her t-shirt, Elizabeth wrapped it around his head to try to stop the bleeding.

I have actually been in a situation where someone had a bad injury and we tried ripping our shirt, just like young Elizabeth here, and it is actually very hard to do. Elizabeth would have to be extraordinarily strong or her shirt made out of a very flimsy fabric. Perhaps there could be a first aid kit in Marigold's saddle bag, or maybe Elizabeth has a light sweater tied around her waist she can use. Also, while I'm talking about clothing, you mentioned Elizabeth wearing shorts. Even in 100 degree weather, I wouldn't wear shorts to ride a horse. Your thighs get horribly chaffed.

Coughing horrifically, Ryan raised his hand to touch her on the cheek.

Why is he coughing? I thought he just bashed his head. If he has a collapsed lung or is had the wind knocked out of him I'd have him wheezing, not coughing.

A search of guilt was mounting within the pit of her stomach, spinning like a hurricane gathering strength over the ocean before coming to devastate the coast.

I love the strong imagery this sentence creates, but I think you meant to say sea not search.

Struggling to find her way out of the woods, Elizabeth rode towards where the most sunlight was coming from.

Instead of coming from why don't you write something more descriptive like: where the most sunlight was filtering through the trees.

This time she wasn’t lost. She knew exactly how to get to where she needed to be. She eased Marigold along, this time having no reason to rush.

You use this time twice in this paragraph and I am a stickler for redundancies. I'd just strike out the second this time.

She [s]once again[/s] dismounted Marigold, not bothering to tie her up.

Once again, you use once again. Strike it out.

“No need to worry, Ryan,” she whispered, continuing the motion.

Here I'd like you to replace continuing the motion with something about how his hair felt in her fingers. What color is his hair? Does he have a lot? Is it soft, coarse, fine? How long is his hair? Make it really personal so that the reader feels sad about Ryan's death.

Other than that, I'd like to see some more of Elizabeth's inner thoughts so that we can get attached to her. But I think this story is great. I bet your teacher will be very impressed when she reads this. Not too many people have the kind of talent you do. Hope I helped!

This was a fairly well-written short story, and while I think Moriah might have been a bit extensive in her revisions, she made plenty of good points. Nothing left for me to say, there.

As for the story itself, I remember thinking at the beginning, "The setting and relationship is romantic. Will it stay that way or will one of them die?" Sure enough, Ryan died. But The last line was fantastic: "Both the Ryan and the air had become cold before their families came out of the darkness and found them." Not the part about the families; perhaps just saying "...before help arrived" would have been better. Parallelisms and correlations are very interesting to me.

Keep writing, but for me it's bedtime. *yawn*