I'm on the mountaintop

I’ll climb the mountain
Through wind and rain
Through twisting paths and constant pain
And I’ll keep on, and never stop
Until I reach the very top and then
I’ll shout to God above:
I am deserving of your love!
I’m here, I stand, I climbed this high
I did not run, I cannot fly
And yet, one man, alone, just me
Reached higher than the highest tree
Taller than the tallest tower
With only human strength and power
I’ll purse my lips and blow a kiss
For those who aimed as high; but missed
And then, when I have had enough,
The air too cold, the winds too rough
I’ll jump the ledge; land on my feet
And go back to my lonely street
Take off my socks and go to bed
The wind still roaring in my head
I’ll dream a dream of higher things
Of bluer skies and freedom wings.
And though I lie here in my bed
And only dreams flit through my head
My heart is on that mountaintop
And while it’s there
It cannot stop.

Okay, first I shall throw my nitpicks at you! (I apoologize but I do not know how to quote things)


On the fifth lin "Until I reach the very top and then" I think it would be better if you moved 'and then' to the next line since that was what you did with the rest of the poem. Also, art off the poem with a set of three rhyming lines and the rest of it is in couplets. Try to make that consistant. In the line "The air to cold, the winds to rough" both of the 'to's should be 'too'.

I like how you did away with the rhymes scheme at the end. It held your poem to have a real sense of finality to it. Good job not making your rhymes sound forced. Nice job!

Hey dear! Stel here!

I loved this, it was so creative... I don't have that much to say, I'm afraid, this will be quite a disgraceful critique...

I am deserving of your love!

Without the inverted commas, it's difficult to decide where you stop shouting and start thinking.

Of bluer skies and freedom wings.

Maybe freedom's would sound better?

Okay, now I'm wondering, pourquoi the lack of punctuation? It works sometimes, but here, in such a long piece, you might be better with it. It's simply a suggestion, but often poems that work in this rhyming couplet style would benefit from some commas. Something to chew on.

Sorry I couldn't be of much help! PM me if you feel the need!

-Stella x

okay so i liked this poem in terms of its rhyme and rythm, you did a really nice job with that. it flowed wonderfully for the most part. of course there are some exceptions like:

"I’ll climb the mountain
Through wind and rain"

and

"Taller than the tallest tower
With only human strength and power"

but other than that, the rythm was great. unfortunately, im not sure i like the message of your poem, which is a bit of an important aspect of any poem. "I’ll shout to God above: / I am deserving of your love!" is an awful AWFUL line in my opinion. you don't have to agree, but since im reviewing this i might as well tell you that that is the most incorrect statement i have ever heard and i sure hope thats not what you think. and other than that, the poem just seemed sort of haughty to me, for example:

"I’ll purse my lips and blow a kiss
For those who aimed as high; but missed"

whatever point you were trying to make with this poem must have gone over my head, unless i get it and i just don't like it at all.

anyways, please don't be offended with my opinion. this does not take away from the fact that you seem to be a very talented writer, and i encourage you keep writing and not to be angry or bitter becuase of people like me who feel the need to give their doctrinal opinions concerning the meaning of poems.

I really liked this. It was like a song of praise in the first part. It flowed well. This isn't a very helpful critique but again, this was great.