A Train Ride

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It was early Sunday morning when the train pulled into the station of small town just outside of Pittsburg. At the station a young women was sitting, waiting for the train she took into work everyday. When the train came to a stop she grabbed her purse and took one last sip of her coffee before throwing it into the trash. She carefully boarded the train and went to take her normal seat in the back, with the perfect view.
To her surprise there was a man in her seat. Slightly annoyed she took her seat nodding at the man, he smiled back at her. As they exchanged their greeting a man had come around to collect the tickets of the people who had just boarded. Suddenly flustered the women began rifling through her purse to find her ticket. When she found it and handed it to the man, a small pocket-sized Bible fell out onto the floor of the train. The man reached down to grab the Bible and began to laugh to himself.
“I honestly don’t understand how you people can believe in something that can not be proven,” he said to the women. He quickly flipped through the pages before looking back at her.
“What do you mean how can I believe in God?” she asked slightly confused.
“I just don’t understand. No one can prove he really exists so why waist your time?”
“Just because science can not prove it does not mean it does not exist. And it’s not a waist of time to devote your love to someone so great and wonderful.”
“Ha!” the man chuckled, “What makes your God so great then?” he asked looking at her with an amused expression.
“Well,” she said taking in a deep breath, “God is great because He is so holy and he loves us deeply”
The man suddenly looked confused.
“What do you mean ‘He is holy’?”
“Well God is without sin, meaning he cannot sin-“
“Well everyone sins,” said the man cutting the young women off.
“Not God, that’s one of the reasons why He’s so great!”
“What else makes him so great?” asked the man now slightly interested.
The women chucked “There are so many things that make God great I just don’t even know where to start!
“God is like the wind, you know He’s there but you can’t see it or capture it. It’s just there. God always has been around and always will be. He’s the one who created me, you, and even our planet. I mean if He didn’t who or what did? Or for that matter who could?”
The man opened his mouth slightly as to say something but closed it and waited for her to continue.
“God loves each and every one of us like his own children-“
“Is that where He gets the name ‘Father’ from?” the man asked seeming to understand more.
“Exactly!” the women said shifting in her seat to get more comfortable.
“But I don’t understand how He can love everyone just the same…” the man said looking at the women.

The women stopped to think before answering the man’s question. She thought carefully wanting to make sure she could explain it well.
“God made each of us with a plan of why we were put here on earth. We each have our own unique relationship with Him and He places Himself in our lives. Whether we notice Him or not He’s always there, watching over us.
Now the man just sat there. He had no question to ask her, he had nothing to say. Realizing that this man was obviously not familiar with God, the women tried to help him make more sense of the information she just told him.
“I’m sorry, I know I just threw a lot of stuff at you, but remember that it’s not going to make sense. God is much beyond our comprehension for it to make sense. God is so great and so powerful that it is hard for us to image Him as one particular thing. But at the same time you have a feeling inside yourself where you just know He’s out there.”
The women stopped talking and looked up at the man; she could tell that he still had many questions for her. He continued to ask her questions for the rest of the train ride into the city.
The two had completely lost track of time and suddenly the train was coming to a stop in the middle of the city.
“Oh my, I’m sorry but this is my stop. I better go-“ she said as she jumped up toward the door.
The man watching her leave still intrigued by their conversation realized that he still had her Bible in his hands.
“Miss, wait! I have your book!” he yelled to her as she was ready to step off the train.
“Oh, it’s all right. You can keep it. You need it more then I do. It has all the answers to your questions.” She said with a smile as she walked off the train into the crowd.
The man looked down at the tiny book she had left, he opened it and began to read, hoping to find some more answers.
Last edited by balletbabe12 on Thu Feb 12, 2009 11:35 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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I'm really sorry for saying this especially since I *hate* when people do this to me but I promise to make a REAL review on this tomorrow!!

frankly, I'm tired now but since I'm a Christian, this story sparks an interest in me. Right now, the only nit pick I have is that the whole conversation isn't realistic at all...Sorry to sound harsh, but for two complete strangers to have such a deep conversation in what seems out of the blue, is not likely.

Otherwise....

I thought it was very interesting. I love the ending!!! Anyway, *in Arnold Schwarsnegger (or however you spell his last name)'s voice* I'll be back :P

By the way, Welcome to YWS! Make sure to post on the Welcome thread under Community forums to say hello to everyone (and for everyone else to say hello back!)

- JC
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Points 2256
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Hello again! Back as promised. Nice and awake.

At the station a young women woman was sitting, waiting for the train she took into work everyday. When the train came to a stop,she grabbed her purse and took one last sip of her coffee before throwing it into the trash. She carefully boarded the train and went to take her normal seat in the back, with the perfect view.
To her surprise there was a man sitting in her seat, so she took the seat next to him hoping for her usual view. Its awkward to end two consecutive sentences with the word "view". Change it up a little :P



The man smiled at her as she took her seat, Good morning, she said cheerfully to him. "Hello," he said. As they exchanged their greetings a man had come around to collect the tickets of the people who had just boarded.


There's nothing grammatically wrong with this part, just extremely unlikely. The paragraph above made it sound that the woman stuck to herself and is very "conservative" so to speak. So, when she says Good morning, cheerfully, it took me by surprise. Why is she cheerful when some guy just took her normal seat?

Suddenly flustered, the women woman began rifling through her purse to find her ticket.


When she found it and handed it to the man a small pocket-sized Bible fell out onto the floor of the train. The man reached down to grab the Bible and began to laugh to himself.


Comma after "...it to the man". Be careful. You are using the phrase "the man" to describe the ticket person and the guy sitting on the train. The second sentence in the quote does not verify which man picked up the Bible.

I honestly don't understand how you people can believe in something that can not be proven, he said to the women. He quickly flipped through the pages before looking back at her.


No matter how ignorant this man is, it is just too unlikely for someone to completly bash a stranger's beliefs like that, and then have the nerve to flip through the pages of the Bible that's not even theirs. Sorry.

Ok, everything after this is fine. Grammatically. I already told you the problem of lack of reality. I suggest making the man and woman know each other so they are not strangers and/or have a true reason to start such a deep conversation. I liked the story overall despite that its pretty cliche. Athiest vs Christian.......

Pointers:
1. Character Development: The woman's voice didn't seem apparent to me although I could pick out the man's.
2. Reality: self explanatory.
3. Commas!: I have this problem too lol Make sure to get those commas in there. I didn't point out every single one...

Nice job! Lots of potential. Keep workin on it!

- JC
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says




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Thanks for the pointers they really helped! Ill work on it :)



Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein