My First Project : Chapter Two

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Here is the next part of my Sci-Fi novel and i have decided to name it "Wasteland" please see my previous chapter for the beginning, but to be fair i'm not letting alot about this world slip just yet.

ARCAUS

The dust had settled, and the sun was high into the sky, casting an orange haze on the landscape. The bushes and gnarled trees basked in the sunlight, smiling and the warm fuzzy glow. The hill overlooking Trench was rocky, hundreds of tiny shadows lounged in and amongst the rocks and brush. The rocky hills smoothed out to meet the wide open expanse of orange sand, warm underfoot, and filled with specs of slate and chipped boulders.

The town, made up of derelict houses and halls, alleys filled with debris and flaking plaster. The town hall slouched over, forlorn and lethargic, looking lazily into the squat houses.

Something rustled inside on of the houses, a mouse maybe, a rat; a rabbit or a coyote…a man.

He reached up and over the musty sheets that hung to his musty mattress and his musty clothes. He stretched and little flakes of ash and dust fell from his ill-shaven face like flecks of snow. He yawned and the lazy afternoon air was sucked in as well as some dust, he coughed. He bent forward and stroked his face, looked at his watch, and started to get up.

Afternoon was late morning now for him, nothing ever came out in the day, and the night cloaked his approach. The sun was almost about to set, perfect time to get ready. He pulled his shirt further down himself, adjusted his jeans, and tied his boots harder. He reached over and kissed the Polaroid of his wife, his wife.

He paused. It was almost second nature, get ready, kiss his wife, never really stopped to think or reminisce, he never tried. He reached into his pack and grabbed a bottle of cola, prying the tab open and hearing the crackle of bubbles, feeling the tingling sensation as the warm drink trickled down his throat. It was warm, he hated warm cola.

He tossed the can away and wiped his mouth, he reached again into his pack and this time brought out his gun. The walnut stock was smooth against his weathered hands and the trigger dull and hard, the rest of it, the barrel, slid out like a well oiled blade; it was almost just as beautiful, if it was not such an ugly tool. He rested it in his hands and checked it, he slid a bullet, a copper coloured nugget into the chamber, and he sighed as he cocked it and set it aside.

He was a good marksman; everyone always told him that, he was sick of it, why could he not be a painter, a craftsman. His father gave him no pens or paper, hammers or anything constructive. His first real present was a rifle, when he was small he played with bullets, hell, he made his own bullets when he was ten, he shot his first deer when he was thirteen, and he shot a man when he was twenty-five.
He joined the army, they made him better, they made him ugly, they turned his talent into his profession, they gave him medals, and he didn’t want them, they gave him medals for getting shot as well as killing people, when he shot a man they did not like they gave him another medal. He shot a man he had never met, who killed people who he had never met, in a country he had never heard of before, fighting a war he had never heard of before. He shot him, and they gave him a fucking medal.

When he got home, he melted his medals and turned them into bullets, his medals were sitting in his pack, never again to be brought out to show off to anyone. Ever. He gazed out on the orange clouds and the warm sun, he felt that just maybe he could sit and enjoy the sunset, just this once. But he couldn’t he had work to do; he always had work to do. He slung his pack over his shoulder and made his way down the dilapidated building and onto the soft sands of Trench, and into the sinful world of The White Sea.

The sun was crawling into the horizon as he trekked onward into the never-ending sand, past the town, past the hills, past everything. He walked and walked until his feet sprouted painful sores under his hard leather boots. He thought he maybe saw a sand-mouse, but he knew nothing could survive this far out, it was only thanks to the little green pills in his pack that made sure that he did not sub come to a bout of what everything for miles around had caught.

He walked onward and up onto a large dune, his thighs burned as he clawed his way upward onto it, he slumped in relief at the summit, wiping the sweat from his brow. He gazed on what lay on the other side of the dune, a mound of what, to the naked eye was scrap metal, a mangled mass of iron and rusted steel, bitten by the sandstorms. But on closer inspection it seemed that it was in fact a haphazard array of shacks and shanties, grouped together into a crude settlement. He could notice that there were already people walking about, a few broken down cars, but everything seemed to be silent.

He reached into his pack, and pulled out his binoculars, he was at least a good three hundred metres from the settlement and had to use them sparingly, or else the sun would reflect off of the lenses and he would be spotted. He watched the people, dressed in dirty desert clothing, head scarves, long coats and other such clothing. He had no use for desert wear, he had the covering of Trench to shield him from the sand storms, and also because he could not afford them, yet.

. He watched for a good thirty minutes, the sun had made its way down and the white expanse curled into darkness, only the huge, luminescent disk of the moon lit the wastes. His pack started to make muffled noises, he open the flap and pulled out his crude radio, with his own antenna made from an old children’s novelty spring. The radio crackled and hissed until he turned the dials, and adjusted himself on the dune, the radio spurted into speech.

“Hello?” enquired a hearty, but crackling voice, it was low and had a drunken quality.

“Yes” he replied, his voice on the other hand was smooth and quiet, and with not a hint of drunkenness at all, almost sombre.

“Ha-Ha! Hello Hendrix, how are things going with you?” the voice cheerfully poured out of the radio, and Hendrix could practically smell the vodka. In the background he could hear the giggling of young women, the clinking of glasses and subdued conversation.

“Very good, sir.” He struggled to get that last part out, he hated calling anyone sir.

“Well…do you have the target” the voice on the end of the phone enquired playfully, Hendrix wished that he would call him when he was sober. It was so very cold in the desert after dark, he could feel his bones freezing and shivering under his skin, he was cold and fed up and wanted to go back to his warm camp in Trench.

“No…no I don’t” Hendrix said with a thick layer of annoyance in his voice, luckily his boss was too drunk to notice.

“Well you know who he is don’t you? Did you reeeeeeead the file?” the voice said whimsically and took a large swig of something; he was a very loud drinker.

Hendrix sighed heavily, yes he had read the file, and he had read it at least a dozen times. Isaac Smithson, twenty three years old, graduate of Oxford University in two thousand and thirteen, put into stasis till two thousand and thirty nine, three masters in physics, Nobel Prize winner in physics, and with a bounty of eight thousand United Nations dollars.

Not that that kind of money was worth anything down in this backwater hell, he would ask for the money in gold, and a new house in Wasteland central. But thankfully he was not the man he would have to kill. We waited for the drunken mess to dismiss him from the embarrassing phone call.

“Well good luck, and remember to stop by afterwards for something to drink, eh?”

Hendrix knew that he would defiantly not be “stopping by” he would have rather eaten nails than spend a second with that filthy scumbag Chazwick.

“No thank you sir” Hendrix replied as daintily as possible and hung up. He lay on the dune and waited for his target.

While he was waiting he thought long and hard about what he would do with his reward, to actually never have to work for the world’s scumbags and gangsters, he had thought that after the almost total destruction of the human race people have some better morals.

But he didn’t care about the ranting G.R.I; the Wasters could do what they want. All he really wanted has to hang up his gun and settle down in the middle of no-where and never have to speak or deal with anyone again, a place to have his own thoughts to himself, without the loud opinionated garbage of the politics, the wars, the chaos.

It was a small dream, but it was his dream to share with his wife. He could hardly imagine if she would recognise him now, his tanned face and his weathered body, could she look at him the same way, knowing what he had done, the things that he had seen.

He wanted Anna back, and every day spent away from her was a day he became less and less like the man she knew.

He often lay in his house in Trench, staring at his gun, sitting in the corner…watching. He had gotten as far as having it in his hands, looking down on it and thinking how much easier it would be if he killed the real monster, the monster he saw every time he saw his ugly, murdering eyes. It laughed and grinned when he fired every shot. Whispering blood-thirsty lies into his ears, making him do the things he did.

In his dreams he saw Anna and she asked “Why” he wanted to tell her that he was the same man he always was, that he was sorry, ashamed. But Anna always said to him “Why” again, and then she cried, she cried and cried, she asked “Why” but he could never tell her, he wanted to hold her and tell her why, to make her love him again, but he always woke up.

wanted to go to sleep and stay asleep, but then he will have changed forever, the monster would have won.

Hendrix looked out on the white sand, the smooth black sky, and the twinkling stars, he wished he could never leave this beautiful black sky, but the next ugly deed he had to commit launched itself into his head and he saw the last man he had to kill.





NOTES

Okay just a few things before anyone starts to reveiw, Mars i remeber you said you had little empathy for Isaac, do you have any for Hendrix?

Sakura, you know my writing best and would like you to grammar check as rigorusly as you wish, but i would like also some feedback on characters and the overall feel of the piece.

And yes i am going to reveiw two more things.




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Yay! Grammar check!

*dances like a toddler*

Anyway...

The bushes and gnarled trees basked in the sunlight, smiling and the warm fuzzy glow.


-- I think "and" should be changed to "in."
-- I'm all for personification, but I can't really see bushes smiling. What about them led you to describe them that way?
--For example:

The pencil smiled in the warm, sunny glow.

This is basically what you've personified. I can't see a bush smiling in the sun, nor can I see a pencil.

Whereas:

The tree's gnarled limbs twisted upward, as if paying homage to the sun.

^^ That one makes sense when you personify it. The tree has a characteristic that can be directly compared to a human one.

Oooh, I like my tree line. Don't steal it, ha. ^_^

Understand a bit more?

The town, made up of derelict houses and halls, alleys filled with debris and flaking plaster.


Read this out-loud. It doesn't flow well. It feels like a sentence fragment.
Add some conjunctions/linking verbs to improve the flow:

The town was made up of derelict houses and halls and alleys filled with debris and flaking plaster.

The town hall slouched over, forlorn and lethargic, looking lazily into the squat houses.


Ah. This ^^ is how you should always personify. You took a characteristic of the house and turned it into a human one.

Something rustled inside on of the houses


Change on to one?

He reached up and over the musty sheets that hung to his musty mattress and his musty clothes.


Yes, I realize he is in a musty environment. You only need to tell me that once. I know you like the use of repetition, but this isn't even an exciting scene where the repetition works. Musty is too unique of a word to use several times in the same sentence without ruining your prose.

He yawned and the lazy afternoon air was sucked in as well as some dust, he coughed.


This is two sentences, so it requires a semicolom ";" not a comma ",".

He reached up and over the musty sheets that hung to his musty mattress and his musty clothes. He stretched and little flakes of ash and dust fell from his ill-shaven face like flecks of snow. He yawned and the lazy afternoon air was sucked in as well as some dust, he coughed. He bent forward and stroked his face, looked at his watch, and started to get up.


This is just a comment on your prose. Every single sentence in this paragraph starts with he. It makes your sentences sound very choppy.

his wife, his wife.


Honestly, the repetition has no purpose here.

Something I want to talk about now:

Before the dialogue shows up, at least every other sentence of your story begins with the word he. Like I said, it makes your sentences very choppy.

He was a good marksman; everyone always told him that, he was sick of it, why could he not be a painter, a craftsman.


This should end with a ?

, hell,


This kind of interjection shouldn't be used when writing in third person. You are the unbiased narrator. You simply tell me the story.
If this was in first person, you could use interjections like that because saying them is part of who your character is -- his dialect and the language he uses.

Take this for example:

Even if you yourself spoke with a cockeny British accent, you wouldn't type a story like this,

"'E went over 'ere an'..."

Would you? Even though you speak like this in real life, you wouldn't bring it into the story.

However, if you are in first person it is acceptable because that is how your character would talk to a friend.

Or using dialogue:

"Bloody 'ell!" decalred Jim.

It is okay because you are simply quoting characters.
Understand a bit?

him a fucking medal


Once again, you are the unbiased narrator.
If "he" hates his metal, have him think it or tell me.
Do not put your own musings into fiction!

When he got home, he melted his medals and turned them into bullets, his medals were sitting in his pack, never again to be brought out to show off to anyone.


This is two sentences. And don't you mean the bullets are in his pack?

Also: this is a contradiction.

You sound like the character hates that the army turned him into a killing machine. So why would he turn metals into instruments of death?

But he couldn’t he had work to do; he always had work to do.


Make "But he couldn't" a sentence. The rest is a separate sentence.

did not sub come


Sub come? That is not a word. It makes no sense.

The word you want is "succumb."

he open the flap


Change open to opened.

“Yes”


Comma after yes.

Hello Hendrix


Comma after hello.

“Well


“No thank you sir”


Comma after you.

***Note -- You always need a comma before a name.

Correct:

"Hey, John."

Incorrect.

"Hey John."

Correct:

"What's going on, Mary?"

Incorrect:

"What's going on Mary?"

In his dreams he saw Anna and she asked “Why” he wanted to tell her that he was the same man he always was, that he was sorry, ashamed.


Whoa. This should be several sentences, and you need a question mark after why.

In his dreams he saw Anna. "Why?" she would ask desperately. He wanted to tell her...

Characters

Hendrix -- I don't really feel anything for him. Right now he feels like a generic character. He needs more dialogue, even if it is in his head. Let me see how he feels, what he thinks. What is he thinking in the morning? When he gets the radio-call? What does his body language tell me? From telling me a characters thoughts, I will become a lot more invested in him.

"Sir" -- See? Sir is a good example how dialogue tells you about a character. He is drunk, sitting at home while Hendrix does the hard work. His dialogue tells me he is shallow and doesn't understand the full situation. He provides some entertainment for me, really.

Overall

Much improved from chapter one, but this was, honestly, a bit boring.

Most of your sentences were mainly "He did this," "He did that," and telling me what he did.
In the middle, I became tempted to skim through the entire second page.
The only real entertainment I got was when he talked to "Sir". You need much more dialogue. I know there is only one character at this point, but he at least needs some internal dialogue.

--Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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*sigh* i really thought you'd like that one, i guess not, i'm sorry that it says "he did this" quite a lot and i thought he was quite a lonesome charachter so i could have him think a lot, no empathy at all? :( all alone in the wastes with nothing but nightmares of his dead wife and being a tool of destruction and hating himself for it... :( awwww i really hoped you'd like him is all




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Alright, so heres a pretty short little review. I didnt want to get into specifics too much cause I think you did well enough without me having to critique small little things. Also, your characters are pretty marvelous!

Alright so Onto a small critique ;)

The dust had settled, and the sun was high into the sky, casting an orange haze on the landscape. The bushes and gnarled trees basked in the sunlight, smiling and the warm fuzzy glow. The hill overlooking Trench was rocky, hundreds of tiny shadows lounged in and amongst the rocks and brush. The rocky hills smoothed out to meet the wide open expanse of orange sand, warm underfoot, and filled with specs of slate and chipped boulders.


Interesting description, I must say, and I like the wording about the trees and such, but as a first paragraph? No. Try something a little less descripitive for your first and it wont sound so dreary and long.

Something rustled inside on of the houses, a mouse maybe, a rat; a rabbit or a coyote…a man.


It's interesting how you wrote each in order from smallest to biggest but I would find it more affective if you just said 'a coyote maybe? No... a man.' something like that. People wont sit and think about it long enough to come up with that general idea. They'll just read it and go 'how the hell does the character think rustling that's coming from a man could be coming from a mouse?'



Basically, I have really know huge problems with this storyline, or the structure. I showed you a few of the intro things I was a little iffy about so hopefully it helps.

Overall,
I liked this as well, but again its very hard to get through. The descriptions, although lovely, are very dense and long. Try to slim down on a few and I'm sure you'll come right into your writers shoes soon enough!

Like always, anything else, just PM me!
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S



The true adventurer goes forth aimless and uncalculating to meet and greet unknown fate.
— O. Henry (William Sydney Porter)