Mutare: Chapter 1

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Dim morning light drifted through the purple curtains. I stared engrossed as tiny dust motes flitted around in an intricate dance until vanishing on the edge of the light. A breeze wafted in to the room carrying the cool crisp smell of freshly fallen snow. I got up and threw the curtains open to allow the sunrises’ orangy hues to bath my room in light. I leaned out the window and took in a deep breath allowing the last bit of sleep to leave my body.
"Kaye? Honey, are you awake?” My dads voice sounded muffled through my door but his bright cheerful persona was unmistakable.
“Yeah, I’m up.”
“Alright, I’m making pancakes. Aidens already here.” I already knew that. I was up when his car drove into the driveway and parked next tom my dads jeep, headlights bouncing off the garage and dissapearing into the darkness. Aidens sleek jaguar was a jarring contrast to my dads beet up old jeep. In fact it didn’t seem to fit in at all in this small suburban community at all.
His family was the founding family of this old town and his father held an elderseat, one of the most prestigious positions to have. You could say they had money. No one knew where they got it, but they had it. Aidens family was a mystery. Always around to help out, but never actually around around. They’d be there one minute and disappear the next. Strange.
Aiden and I met in sixth grade. Nobody at school had even known that the Adayrs had a son, let alone one our own age, until he had walked into class mid September. He was the new boy, but not really. Parents, teachers and students alike gave him special privaleges because of his family name, but not me. I didn't see him as the heir of a multi-million dollar inheritance. I saw his as Aiden. He was my best friend.
Once we reached high school girls started to actually notice him.
Last edited by Starleene on Wed Oct 05, 2011 7:21 pm, edited 53 times in total.
Jhinx called me old. Rude.




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Hey Starleene! Your name is adorable.

BAM! The door slammed against its hinges, crashing into the wall and almost knocking my picture frame off its perch on the shelf, again.

- Caps Lock can be scary for readers. I know I particularly don't like it, though I think it works with bam, though I would try considering italics and exclamation rather than caps and exclamation.
- My picture frame? It's odd that your expressing ownership over something that people tend to have a lot of in their house. It seems more appropriate to say, "one of the picture frame" rather than singling it out with a "my", making it seem important to the storyline.
- Don't put a comma before again.

Nooo make it goo awayy

Comma after no.

I groaned and pulled the blankets up and over my head securing them there, like a life preserver I held on, if I let go or they slipped away I would drown.

Comma after "over my head" and before "securing them".

Like I suspected, the "It" tugged at the blankets, almost releaseing them from me.

Typo.

"GO AWAY, Camron!"

Again, try not to do caps lock, because they seem more amateurish. Try italics here.

I found it and it was instantly ripped from my grasp.

Too many its in one sentence! Start a new sentence, and move the its away from each other: "I found it. Instantly, it was ripped from my grasp."

"Claire,"he said half threatingly and half joking,"get you ass out of bed, now!"

Typo. Threateningly.

I mummbled into my knees.

Typo. Mumbled.

"You mom."
He replyed nonchalantly.

Several typos. "Your mom" and "replied".

"Go away then, I don't want you here," I unclasped my hand from the death grip around my knees and waved it vaguly toward the door,"I assumed you know were the door is, since you always seem to have to break it down."

Your dialogue punctuation is incorrect here. At the end of the first snip of dialogue, it should be a period instead of a comma, and then the non-dialogue should end in a period as well. Here is a dialogue grammar article you can review, for help :): viewarticlebody.php?t=19430

"IDIOT LEAVE ME ALONE, friends wouldn't make me go!"

Really don't use caps here. In fact, don't even use italics. I think the emotion can be expressed simply in reading the words.

I kicked wildly with my foot, it came into contact.

What came into contact with one? Clarify, be more specific.

With a grunt from him he loosened him grasp, not loose enough that he would notice, but just enough for me to quickly pull my foot out and back into the spot it was prior to the attack.

His. Typo. Proofread your work!

"You little witch,"he growled,"if you don't want to come willingly..."

I've noticed you've been doing this, but add a space between the end quotation mark and the "he".

"I never said I would go anyway, did I you jerk."

"Did I, you jerk?" Comma and question mark.

You idiot im not some stupid football, you know. In human to, just like you.I HAVE RIGHTS!

This needs to be in quotations, but it's not.

Spelling & Typos
This is a really interesting story thus far, but it's absolutely riddled with spelling errors and basic grammar errors, as well as typos. Remember, editing is very important and couples with writing. After you write something, spend even just five minutes looking through your writing and combing for obvious spelling errors (you have a lot of errors that really just stick out). I understand that spelling can be hard for people, I know I'm not always the best at it, so just leave the spelling corrections for your edits (but before you post it on YWS!) :wink:

It
The concept of something assaulting her is interesting and fun, except I feel really left out as there's no description of whatever this "it" thing is. It almost even disinterests me, with the lack of description of him. If he HAS no description, the mention that -- mention that he has no body or appearance, or not one that the main character can see. If he does have an appearance, but you don't want to tell us quite yet, give us enticing glimpses, hints, to his appearance! Like, something as simple as "a massive dark figure" will do. Right now, all this character exists as is dialogue, and that makes him extremely difficult to perceive as a reader, and the interaction seems strange without his presence directly being mentioned.

There seems like there should be more to the story, so I'm not going to comment further on plot. The main thing for you to work on here is the spelling errors and grammar.

Edit, edit!

Post more, though, of course! There's more story here, and I want to see what happens!

PM me with questions, and keep writing!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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get you ass out of bed, now


your not you

For a last attemt at escape,


attempt

"Who the hell keeps letting you into my freaking house?"

I mummbled into my knees.

"You mom."

He replyed nonchalantly.



Your mom

Is there a particular reason that you enter between dialogue and tags? It confused me on who was talking.

"Go away then, I don't want you here,"


Period after here. Unless followed by a dialogue tag (said, asked, replied, etc) there's a period. Or exclamation or question mark.

He replyed nonchalantly.


Replied

door,"I assumed you know were the door is, since you always seem to have to break it down."


Period after door instead of comma.

im you best friend


I'm your best friend(don't type like you're on a chat site. if you find yourself typing like that go back to using proper grammar. I know I had the problem once)

Interesting start, but I was so distracted by spelling mistakes that I couldn't enjoy it properly. Remember writing is not a chat site. You have to use proper grammar, punctuation and capitalization. From all the "you" and the "im" I'm guessing that you do sometimes type like that. Be careful with that. If you have to, always type properly so that you get used to it.




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Looks like all the mistakes were already pointed out to you, I didn't see anything more. So on with what I thought of the story!!


It was great and I can't wait to read more! Claire reminds me of myself. :lol: I never want to get out of bed in the mornings. Well good job and keep it up!




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Hello again!
I love how you made the transition from dark and mysterious to bright and somewhat uplifting. It was really funny ^_^ On to the critiquing!

I groaned and pulled the blankets up and over my head, securing them there, like a life preserver I held on, if I let go or they slipped away I would drown.

This doesn't really make sense at all. It kinda sounds like little fragments of sentences were just thrown in here. Try something like this:
'I groaned and pulled the blankets up and over my head, securing them there. As if they were a life preserver, I held on to them, knowing that if I let go or they slipped away, I would drown.'
Or something like that :)

Like I suspected, the "It" tugged at the blankets, almost releasing them from me.

I don't think 'it' needs to be capitalized here.

"Go Away,Camron!"

Couple things here.
First, 'away' shouldn't be capitalized.
Second, space after the comma.
And I think you spelled your own character's name wrong... Isn't it Cameron?

relentlessly until finally they came loose; I was drowning in light.Rolling over

First, comma after 'finally'.
Second, change the semi-colon to a period. So, 'I was drowning in light' is an independent clause, however, it would make more sense here if something extra was added to it. Try:
'...relentlessly until finally, they came loose. Once they were off, I was suddenly drowning in light.'
And third, space after the period.

still holding my blanket,and worst yet;smirking.

Space after the comma and the semi-colon. Also, 'and worst yet' doesn't sound very good here. Change it to something like 'and worst of all,'

Instantly it was ripped from my grasp.

Comma after 'instantly'.

"Who the hell keeps letting you into my freaking house?"
I mumbled into my knees.

This shouldn't be two lines. Leave everything on one line.

"Your mom." He replied nonchalantly.

That first period should be a comma.

"Go away then, I don't want you here."I unclasped my hand from the death grip around my knees and waved it vaguely toward the door.
"I assumed you know were the door is, since you always seem to have to break it down."

Period after 'then' and space after the quotes. And this should also all be one whole piece. Don't put the last line of dialogue on a new line. And it would sound better as 'assume'

"Now you don't mean that, I'm your best friend, remember."

Period after 'that' and it should be a question mark after 'remember'.

"Idiot leave me alone, friends wouldn't make me go!"

Comma after idiot and replace the comma after 'alone' with a period.

"You little witch,"he growled,"if you don't want to come willingly..."

Space after the quotes, right before he, and after 'growled,'

"Then I will have to forcefully take you down right now, you are going whether you like it or not."

Replace that first comma with a period. These would do fine as two sentences.

We walked, or he walked out of my room and down the hallway, toward the stairs.

Comma after 'or' and after 'he walked'.

"You want me to put you down, OK."

Replace the comma with a question mark and always spell out okay.

usually i'm not a morning person,

Capitalize I'm

"Now why would you say "'put me down'" if you didn't want me to.

End this with a question mark

"You already have, moron."
I grumbled. He must have heard me because he went as if to drop me back over the railing again.
"I take it back, I take it back!"

All of this needs to be together, not spaced out.

You idiot I'm not some stupid football, you know. In human to, just like you.I HAVE RIGHTS!

First, period after idiot.
Second, it should be I'm, not in.
Third, space after the last period.

I think the biggest problem is the spacing issue, but other than that, they're commonly made mistakes. Nothing to worry about :) I really enjoyed this so far, and I can't wait to read more :D

~Rayne
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...



I'm so confused I've Turned To erratic Capitalisation?
— JustMeBeingMe