poem-Yes, we need to know

Yes, we need to know

I’ll be for you
To me you are forever
Always remember my tears
You are forever
To me
You’ll always be forever
That’s because
That’s what we want to believe
That’s what we would like to hear
Remember
You are forever
I’ll be for you
Run along
It’s how it is
It’s how we live
It’s what we want to believe
We need to know
Know that there can be
There can be forever
It’s all or nothing
You are forever
To me you are forever
We need to believe
Believe in forever
That there can be forever
We need to know
And to me
You’ll always be forever
You are forever

OK. I didn't like it. It's pushy, boring, dull, uninteresting, without any significant thoughts... Sorry... Nobody didn't review your work yet so I gave a shot. If I were you I would tear this up, but first I would make a concept for a new song out of this.... (Choose two of your thoughts to make that: Run along...believe in forever).
Sorry for my bad language...

yeah but im not you and i like this one.start giving out your shots to somebody else kid

Hey! I'm dd9. I'll be doing a little review for you today. :]

I think you have a good concept here, but to be honest, the poem does need some work. Poetry is sometimes very tricky to write, so don't feel discouraged. My main piece of advice is to go back and take out or edit every line that doesn't seem right to you. That usually is helpful for me.

Many of the lines in this piece seemed repetitive. When used correctly, repition can make a piece brilliant. But there is a fine line between too much reptition and not enough. I think in this poem you definitely need to take out at least a few lines that are repeated more than once. The message you are trying to convey ("forever" in your case) can be represented well even in a line or two.

Secondly, some of the lines seem a bit awkward in their phrasing. Try to keep complete thoughts on a line together. Sometimes seperating them throws the reader off. The tone of the piece is very important as well. Try rewriting some parts to give the piece a better "flow" that is constant throughout the piece.

Over all, I think this was a good start. With some editing, it could become even better.

PM me with any questions.

-dd9

im not saying it dosnt need alot of changing cause it dose.i think it dose repeat a lot.and it dosnt tell much of a story.its more of a personal one so i want the meaning to shine through.and it dosnt do that very well.ima redo it than post it up again.
thanks

I just said what I think. If you don't like it, ask someone else for opinion. Critiques are supposed to be rude sometimes...but not the writer.

i didnt ask YOU what you thought.and i am not being rude thank you very much.if you think thats rude than you havnt seen nothing.instead of just going on about how you dont like it,how about you give me advise that i can work on.

blair93 wrote:i didnt ask YOU what you thought.and i am not being rude thank you very much.if you think thats rude than you havnt seen nothing.instead of just going on about how you dont like it,how about you give me advise that i can work on.

Helpful hint? Now you are being rude, and typically speaking, being rude is no way to get reivews. Also, this is a writing site, correct grammar and punctuation is needed for everything that you post.


Onto the poem.

First Impressions Grammar is your friend, learn it, embrace it, use it. Right now this is just running on and on and on, punctuation is a good thing.

I’ll be for you

To me you are forever
Always remember my tears

You are forever

To me

You’ll always be forever

That’s because

That’s what we want to believe

That’s what we would like to hear

Remember

You are forever

I’ll be for you

Run along

It’s how it is

It’s how we live

It’s what we want to believe

We need to know

Know that there can be

There can be forever

It’s all or nothing

You are forever

To me you are forever

We need to believe

Believe in forever

That there can be forever

We need to know

And to me

You’ll always be forever

You are forever

I noticed the painful repitition of the word "forever" it's boring, and after the third time you use it, it just starts to be annoying. You make your point in the first three lines and then continue to ramble about if for another 20. Try to expand on the basic idea and create a picture.



This poem was clearly written for you, which is fine, but right now you need to focus on making your audience care about what you have to say. At this point your narrator is fairly blah, and as a reader I am stuch with the question "why should I care?" Try to create a picture or a scene. Give these two characters a moment that we can see and smell and feel. Right now you are telling us all about it, but now you need to make us feel it.


Best of luck

OverEasy

i agree with you and im not saying it dosnt need changing.i think its too short and in your words "it needs to paint a picter"
i want there to be this whole thing were you just sit there and it gets you thinking about things.for sure ima redo it soon and repost it