Heaven

I opened my eyes, and the pain drowned out the sounds. I wanted to scream and get up to try to help myself. But I couldn’t move, it was as if the pain had stapled me down to the ground. So I just lay there staying completely still, focusing on all my muscles trying to move something. I could see the chaos around me. Something has just happened! WHERE AM I? Those same words kept running through my head like a broken record. Then as I searched frantically for some way to help myself, I realize I am laying in a pool of blood! MY blood and this other black gunk. Not sure what it was though.
Slowly the pain starts narrowing on my knee and foot (by this time they were attempting to load me on to a stretcher). Afraid to look down and see what might be causing this pain, I took a quick glance at my left leg. I once again wanted to scream in agony but couldn’t. There was a piece of a car door through my leg!! My head started to feel light. I couldn’t control what I was looking at any more because my eyes were rolling all around in my head and I couldn’t stop them. I just kept catching quick glances at the people and large objects around me. Then it hits me, there is blood all over the front of my shirt. You couldn’t see any yellow fabric any more. Something else was wrong with me. Why are these people all touching my neck? I had just figured they were searching for a pulse, but it was something a lot worse than that. I was suddenly able to move my right arm. So I strained all my muscles and reached up and touched it. What ever black stuff was on my arm had made its way into the gushing gap. I totally forgot about not being able to move and with all my force, shot myself up and let out the longest loudest scream I could have ever imagined.
Every person in that ambulance turned and looked at me with wide eyes full of fear and surprise. Immediately someone dove at me and pinned me down to the structure I was laying on. While another started putting pressure on my neck, forcing me to taste the blood.
My body started feeling heavy, as I tried to fight against the strength pinning me down. My eyelids started to flicker and my mouth got really dry. Before I got a chance to try and take back the control of my body, my eyes fell shut.
I could hear a man yelling “We’re losing her! We’re losing her!” Then this very long annoying beeping. Then my mind went blank, and everything was gray.

Hi, I'm Excalibur and I'll be do this paragraph by paragraph!


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I opened my eyes, and the pain drowned out the sounds. I wanted to scream and get up to try to help myself. But I couldn’t move, it was as if the pain had stapled me down to the ground. So I just lay there staying completely still, focusing on all my muscles trying to move something. I could see the chaos around me. Something has just happened! WHERE AM I? Those same words kept running through my head like a broken record. Then as I searched frantically for some way to help myself, I realize I am laying in a pool of blood! MY blood and this other black gunk. Not sure what it was though.

(... help myself, but I couldn’t move. It was..)

Slowly the pain starts narrowing on my knee and foot (by this time they were attempting to load me on to a stretcher). Afraid to look down and see what might be causing this pain, I took a quick glance at my left leg. I once again wanted to scream in agony but couldn’t. There was a piece of a car door through my leg!! My head started to feel light. I couldn’t control what I was looking at any more because my eyes were rolling all around in my head and I couldn’t stop them. I just kept catching quick glances at the people and large objects around me. Then it hits me, there is blood all over the front of my shirt. You couldn’t see any yellow fabric any more. Something else was wrong with me. Why are these people all touching my neck? I had just figured they were searching for a pulse, but it was something a lot worse than that. I was suddenly able to move my right arm. So I strained all my muscles and reached up and touched it. What ever black stuff was on my arm had made its way into the gushing gap. I totally forgot about not being able to move and with all my force, shot myself up and let out the longest loudest scream I could have ever imagined.

(No parenthesizes in the actual work. Describe it.)
(The car door gives me trouble, twisted scrap would probably be a more accurate word for something that seemingly exploded and embedded itself in flesh.)

Every person in that ambulance turned and looked at me with wide eyes full of fear and surprise. Immediately someone dove at me and pinned me down to the structure I was laying on. While another started putting pressure on my neck, forcing me to taste the blood.

('wide eyes full of fear and surprise' is too wordy, usually they have seen gore before and the expression is more of alarm rather then fear. They see this far more frequently then you think...)

My body started feeling heavy, as I tried to fight against the strength pinning me down. My eyelids started to flicker and my mouth got really dry. Before I got a chance to try and take back the control of my body, my eyes fell shut.

I could hear a man yelling “We’re losing her! We’re losing her!” Then this very long annoying beeping. Then my mind went blank, and everything was gray.

(This far in it is unlikely they would have the equipment hooked up to accurately determine that. Which is more of a hospital feature.)

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I have just one large issue with the scene. The concept of pain. With any injury of that scale the body goes into immediate shock and usually its more terrifying watching the blood pour out of you. Pain does not exist in this moment. My own situation I had my finger flayed open by a knife and the blood simply poured out, I watched in awe as my finger got cold and I could not feel pain.

Even though it was serious, I felt more pain in my heart at not being able to see my girl then for the gaping three inch wide slash in my finger. Even now as I am writing this I can feel the memory of pain and the single cut as my skin opened up in that powerful super sharp slash.

As blood flows out of you, even for thirty minutes, the problem lies not in loss of consciousness, but warmth and sensation around the area. Unless it is VERY severe you will not pass out. If your character was bleeding this badly a bind would be placed over the nearest artery to stem the flow, as I did with my hand.

Let's just say with my situation, and others... I am thoroughly convinced in God and he has a great sense of humor. Though I will probably never know who slipped the knife pointed down into my pack...but the one I suspect got what he deserved. And yay I can still write and review this.

I thought this was a great story, it was gripping and made me want to read more, and find out if she dies and what happened to her.
Okay just a few things,
Some parts go abit fast, and could have abit more in them like

I agree with Excalibur, they wouldn't be able to determine that, she was dying im sure they could guess that she was fulling into unconciousness. Not that she was dying.

Another thing never start a sentence with BUT, like in your sentence:

I opened my eyes, and the pain drowned out the sounds. I wanted to scream and get up to try to help myself. But I couldn’t move, it was as if the pain had stapled me down to the ground.

Instead of saying ' But i couldn't move' maybe put it as 'I couldn't move!'

Also if you have put two explanation marks:

There was a piece of a car door through my leg!!

I got told on a peice of my writting not to put two, it still sounds affective if you only put one.

Apart from those few things, i think this is a fantastic story and i would love to read the rest.
Very good

Borntoshop.

Well, I liked the story, but for me it read a littlebit difficult. I think it is the way you put it all together and the word coices. Also, what was the black stuff? I do like the story though, the whole consept is rivveting, especially the piece of car door in her leg (I would freak out if that happened to me)

Hiya! I'll start out first by saying this was quite interesting. But ya, like Excalibur said, if you cut yourself you'll stare like an idiot at it. It's just the shock of seeing your own blood flow out in big...gushes. Also, you have to review two things before posting. 2:1 ratio. It keeps YWS going, right?

I wanted to scream and get up to try to help myself.

I don't know. This sentence sounds kinda funny with all the to's. You could try and say: I wanted to scream. To get up and help myself. But that's up to you.

Then as I searched frantically for some way to help myself, I realize I am laying in a pool of blood!

Put a comma after then, as there is a natural pause. You should try reading some sentences out loud to find where you pause. Also, realize should be realized. Along with changing am to was. You changed tenses there.

I totally forgot about not being able to move and with all my force, shot myself up and let out the longest loudest scream I could have ever imagined.

Long sentence. Perhaps you could try and shorten in down. Long sentences tend to lose effect.

Every person in that ambulance turned and looked at me with wide eyes full of fear and surprise

.

Honestly, wouldn't paramedics be used to seeing/ hearing people screaming and moving around, like Excalibur said? It would probably be alarm. Not so much as fear.

Well, I'm intrigued now to find out whether she lives or not. Can't wait to read more. Happy Writing!

~Meadow~

The story was, intresting, to say the least, and with me to catch my intrest already makes you a pretty good writer.

Besides that, many passages seemed to be almost forced, like you were just kind of hurrying the story along so it could be complete.

Thats the feeling I got, others will disagree.

The opening left me kind of searching for what was happening, though thats the point, and it kind of just threw the reality of the situation at me, very well done in that instance but you get too...whats the word.....I dont know, but you seem to push what is happening at the time of the exact event, like trying to support some feeling of urgency and chaos on the reader.

Towards the end it kind of trailed off, like you were done with it and just wanted to close it up.

Good piece but more work and it could be much better.

I agree with Eraquio, this piece, at times, does seem a little bit forced. Also, though I like the idea of trying to open the book in the middle of an exciting scene, however...it just didn't flow the way it could have. What i guess I'm trying to say is that, if you had given a little background, or started the scene a little earlier, it might have been better...but unfortunately, I really can't tell what it is that's bugging me about this piece, because really, I know there shouldn't be any real mistakes except those usual grammar ones, but still, it bugs me. Then again, maybe I just don't like books that begin in the middle of a scene and I don't even know it! Aww, well, no hard feelings, right?

Anyways, besides that, I think this is an excellent piece, with a grammar/spelling mistake here or there, and worthy of five gold stars! Good job, great goin', and keep writin'!


- Winter



<[The first Valentines sent out by me today! Okay, here goes:

• Suzanne
• Big Brother is Stretching
• Nate
• Adnamarine
• Zakku Alpha
• Incognito Temtation
• daydreamer9
• Night Mistress
• MySunShine
• Forever Threnody
• Eraqio
• MeadowLark
• ConfusingSillyLittleGirl
• borntoshop
• ~Excaliber~
• Rosey Unicorn
• ridersofdamar
• Pendragon
• asyxz
• xDudettex
• Storm_Bringer
• XxxDo
• LyndiaB
• Horserider
• Merricat
• Explosive_Pen
• fluteluvr77
• Haruno Sakura
• inkswod
• La!
• thefireinmeisJC
• Stori
• Baileyboo:)
• Mad_Moo 25524
• TexanWriter
• JujuMayuDreamer14
• MilaScribbler
• Dreamworx95
• ellejay
• staplestoo
• evil_kookies
• pandapez
• SeleneForeverDream
• day tripper
• Allyssakyle
• 100xstupid
• chipsandguacamollie
• zankoku_na_tenshi
• LaReina
• springrain2693
• wisemann210
• Shadow_Windstorm
• laurenmarie
• beckiw
• Pippiedooda
• writingmouse_13
• Lordmonster

Oh, by the way, I'm Kara the Cupid, or just Kara for short. Now, what do you think of that? That's one long list if you ask me, and there's plenty more where that came from! Also, even if you don't get picked, I'm only doing it this way so that it doesn't seem so vague when I say "Happy Valentine's Day everyone!" This is just a way to get people to notice that I'm talking to them. And I'm not talking only to them but to every single one of you here so no need to feel left out. So Happy Valentine's day everyone!]

This is a pretty interesting beginning; I like when stories start in the middle of an action sequence, as it captures your attention and drags you in.

I found, rather than trying to force the story itself, you were trying to force the excitement. Let your work speak for itself! Readers don't need to be encouraged to get into the story.

Now for a few nit-picks:

So I just lay there staying completely still, focusing on all my muscles trying to move something.

The second half of the sentence is really awkward grammatically.

There was a piece of a car door through my leg!!

How would the character know it was a car door? A piece of metal might be better here. Also, for exclaimation marks: one or none.

Immediately someone dove at me and pinned me down to the structure I was laying on.

Hasn't it been established the character's on a stretcher? Either way, you can just end the sentence after "pinned me down".

Other than that, there were just some general grammar errors and a few tense changes. Good job! You managed to create suspense, and I'd really like to see what happens to your character.

Well, Bailey ! Hi !
I remember reading this story on your laptop, and i really enjoyed it.
I think your story has a lot of potential, and after reading the beginning, it... well,
makes me want to read MORE.

I like how you started in a suspense scene, it makes me (the reader)
get into the story. I'm really curious as to what the black tar is exactly.
(shes turning into a vampire perhaps ?) ha ha.

Anyway, keep up the good work Bailey boo, I'm really looking forward to reading
more of this story.

Hello I'm Jordan and I'll be your critique.

I thought you described everything very well and the only thing that I would recommend is that you put a Chapter 1 or a title or even an introduction before you actually start your story. I really liked it... Very well for a new member


Keep up the good work!