The Faeries- Chapter One

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7829
Reviews 239
Yikes. Nervous? Oh yes, very. Okay, it isn't in third person like the prologue but in first. That's just the way I wrote it. Tear it apart. My near sighted eyes miss a lot of mistakes in my writing. So this is from the point of view from one of the Divah brothers mentioned in the prologue. And I so hope I didn't dump to much information on my readers. There isn't any action and this is just a first draft. I haven't rewrote none of it and I just slapped it together. So...I hope it isn't too long. I have a tendency to do that.

Chapter One: Red’s Information

“Over three hundred years ago creatures from the hidden world of Argmar were banished to Earth for all eternity. Creatures who were banished because of they’re traitorous deeds, criminal ways and barbaric nature. They hid in the ‘underworlds’ of Earth’s large cities, calling them home. Over the years these creatures became more and more humanized, and so now Faeries appear to the human race as humans.
“Now don’t start thinking that they’re exactly like humans, because they’re not. Some may have horns, or tails, overly large ears, long life, webbed feet or hands, etc. But the chances of that happening is three out of ten. Most have magic powers or the talent for shifting. Others have nothing at all. But still, no matter what they do or how they look, they are all far from being humans. But since their banishment, the Faeries have changed their ways…somewhat. Many are the thieves and murderers in the night. Many are those cold, homeless people passed every day. But three quarters of them follow one person and that is King Lucifer, the Faerie king. Faeries are ‘pagans’ and believe in a wide variety of gods and goddesses, much like the Greeks and Romans. Most Faeries have adapted to the ways of the human race. Yet there are others who still try to find a way back to Argmar and those who stay in that creature shape
---Antonio!”
I jerked and looked around. Pedro was glowering at me over his notebook. “What?”
“You were sleeping!” he accused, eyes narrowed. “You didn’t hear a word I just read!”
I yawned, covering my mouth with a hand. “Was not! I heard everything you said. I heard it, but none of it clicked in. Besides, I’ve heard it all a million times in a million different ways. It’s all the same.”
“No Ant, it isn’t. I need to write this for that stupid conference,” he muttered, scratching his forehead, pencil between fingers. “I have no idea why I was chosen to do this stupid thing.”
“Consider yourself lucky you don‘t have to read it out loud,” I told him, with another yawn. I propped my feet onto the table and sat back. “And feel honoured.”
“It’s not like you have to read it either. You aren’t even going.”
“I wasn’t invited. Don’t you remember the rules of the staff? No Faerie with animal type…pieces are allowed to attend. I have animal pieces…or did you forget?” I stared at him and watched the grin spread on his face.
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly forget about your lovely little pussy cat tail,” he teased, giving my tail a tug.
“Don’t do that!” I pulled my tail away from him and held it to my chest. “And it’s a panther tail thank-you very much. Not a little pussy cats.”
Oh my. They’re both felines Antonio.” Pedro stood up and stretched. “I’ll finish this stupid thing later.” He tossed his notebook beside me and walked by. “And these are just so cute!” He grabbed the small horns on my head and gave me a good shake.
“Screw off you!“ I snapped, swatting his hand away. He strolled off into the kitchen laughing. I rolled my eyes as I grabbed his notebook and pencil and began to write. “The Faeries, with animal parts lead boring and bitter lives. Well at least those who live by the law and are bound by oaths. As they are different, they are not invited to boring conferences such as this and they cannot do other things us privileged Faeries are allowed to do. But is it really their fault they have that curse? Should we really hold it against them? Should we---”
“Antonio! What are you doing?” Pedro demanded, sounding quite horrified.
I chucked the notebook and pencil away saying in a calm voice, “Nothing bro. Just reading what you wrote.”
He stomped over and grabbed his notebook and read what I wrote. “Antonio!” He sighed with exasperation. “We aren’t privileged and we aren’t the talented ones. You should know that! Just because Misfits aren’t always treated nicely…” He trailed off, unable to think of anything to say.
I frowned. “Now who said such a thing?”
He hit me on the head with the book. “Listen, they’re just a bunch of stuck up idiots, okay? Don’t pay attention to what they say and please…stop brooding.”
“I’m not brooding,” I responded. “I’m just bored and I thought I’d help you write your speech thingy.”
“Here.” He took a napkin off the end table and chucked it to me. “Call Mary Jane.”
I stared at the napkin and then back up at him, doubt on my face. “You know why I won’t. It wouldn’t be fair to her if I broke up with after a week or so. And I’m tired of making up excuses.” I crumbled the napkin into a ball and chucked it across the room.
“Then just tell her you want to be friends but you don’t want to be in a serious relationship,” Pedro replied, simply.
I gave him a look of disbelief. “Chicks don’t want to hear that! They don’t want to be just friends!” I said. “What would Gabrielle say if you told her that?”
“I don’t know.” He picked up the phone and dialled a number. “Hey baby how are you? Good, good. Hey um Gabbie? I got a question to ask you.” He paused and gave me a grin. “Can we be just friends? I don’t want to be in a serious relationship.” His grin widened even more and he looked at me. “Perhaps you’re right Ant, they don’t want to be just friends.”
I rolled my eyes. “I hope you’re going to say sorry to her.”
“Yeah I was just joking Gabbie. Just seeing if what Ant said was correct and it was.”
They began talking with one another so I got up and put on my old trench coat as I slipped into my work boots. “I’m going down to the park or something,” I called to him.
“Alright. Have fun Ant!”
I shoved a cap onto my head and hid my tail in my coat. I loathed my stupid tail and horns. I couldn’t even have a human girlfriend because if she saw my little extra ’pieces’ she’d probably have to be killed in order to keep our identities undercover. That’s why I couldn’t have a girlfriend. We could only do so much together. But the whole while, sex was on our minds and that was what I had to avoid with human girls.
There really wasn’t any pretty Faerie girls that had animal parts like me…that I have met so far. I had one pretty one and a year later she dumped me for some guy with frog feet. Also, the pretty Faeries that had powers and the shifting ability didn’t want us Misfits. Ya, that’s what they called us. Misfits.
I bounded down the steps of the apartment building and walked out the front door. I jogged across the busy New York street, hands in pockets and into the park there.
There I found Red, the usual bum who lived in the park, sitting on his favourite bench reading a muddy newspaper. I plopped beside him and gave out a sigh.
“Hey Red. How’s life?” I inquired, leaning back.
He gave out a low grunt. “Been better. How ‘bout you? Brought me anything good to eat?” he inquired. I should have known. Red only thinks of his own skin and especially his stomach.
I pulled my hand out of my pocket, handing him a granola bar. “Here. Don’t know how good it will taste. Been in there awhile.”
The bar was snatched out of my hand the moment I pulled it out. He greedily ripped it open and stuffed half of it into his mouth. I blinked my eyes, but I wasn’t surprised. He was skinny and his cheeks were quite hollow looking.
I had no idea what his hair colour was. Unless it was naturally the colour of dirt. His eyes were blue and he wore rags. The filthy remains of a red blanket was laying across his neck and he had pockets filled with garbage. But above all, he stunk.
“Thanks,” he said through a mouthful of food. “I haven’t eaten in two days…well I did find a left over burger in the garbage by the fast-food joint down the street…”
I grimaced in disgust. Such was the life of a bum. “See anything suspicious lately?” I inquired. He lived on the street. Perhaps he saw something exciting happen. Anything to disperse my boredom.
He gave me a sharp look almost immediately. “Why?” he demanded.
I was taken aback. What was the deal with him? It was just a civil question. “I was merely curious. Jeez, who stole what from you? I’ve never seen you so…defensive,” I answered.
Red shrugged with one shoulder. “Nothin’. Least wise what you need to know,” he muttered, ripping the wrapper apart to get to the crumbs and icing left behind. I raised my eyebrows as I watched him lick it clean before shoving it into a pocket. “Just met some whackos the other day. Know anybody with the last name Divah?”
It was my turn to give him a sharp look. “Why?”
“Now whose getting defensive? Those two whack jobs were looking for these Divah brothers. Called them fairies, but everyone knows fairies aren’t real.”
I winced as he said Faeries weren’t real. But who the hell was looking for Pedro and I? “What did they look like?”
He gave me a suspicious look. “You know these Divah brothers, don’t you?”
I looked away from him and at the tree standing beside us. “I’ve never heard of the name Divah, I was merely interested. Is it like drug related or…gang wars?” I questioned, looking at him from the corner of my eye.
Red gave out a laugh. “I highly doubt that.” I watched him rub his throat. “They wasn’t human. The one thing changed into my shape but before they were the ugliest things I have ever seen.”
I stretched with a wide yawn. “They only mentioned that one name?”
“No. It said the jump to here from Argmar was long…What’s the matter with you?” Red demanded. My panic must have shown on my face.
Shit! Who the hell were these shifting freaks? I calmed myself down and looked at him calmly. “Interesting. Are you sure you didn’t find anything else in the garbage Red? Anything that will make you hallucinate these?” I swallowed nervously and shoved my hands into my pockets. I start rubbing my hands together when I’m nervous.
“You don’t believe me?” he growled. “I swear, I saw those things.”
I shrugged off his words to make it seem like I didn’t believe him. “Whatever you say Red.”
“Pfft…suit yourself. I know what I saw. Thanks for that bar.”
I stood up. “No prob. Stay outta trouble okay?” I walked down the street and went down an alley. As soon as I was through the back door to my apartment building, I raced up the stairs.
I practically fell through the door, out of breath. That little brat was still on the phone. I chucked the cap to the floor and hurried into the living room.
“Bro! Take your damn boots off! You’re going to track mud everywhere! Huh? Ya sorry Gabbie, that idiot brother of mine---” I snatched the phone from him and hung up. “What the hell are you doing Antonio?” He stood up to glare at me, trying to pull my hand off the phone.
“Stop Pedro! We have a slight problem,” I told him. He studied me for a few seconds. My face must have been pale.
“What’s the matter?”
I swallowed and took my hand off the phone. “There’s two morphing creatures from Argmar asking about us,” I responded.
He blanched. “What? How would things from Argmar know of us?” He plopped onto the sofa. “That doesn’t make any sense.”
“I have no idea. But Red told me---”
“Red? That bum? You’ve been talking to that homeless retard? How can you believe anything he says?” Pedro asked in a sceptical way.
“Don’t interrupt me. I don’t think Red was lying about this. He said these two creatures said they were looking for two Faeries, us the Divah brothers. He said they were the ugliest creatures and one took his shape,” I explained, hurriedly. “And the jump to here from Argmar was a long one.”
Pedro ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit of his. “What do we do?”
“For one, I’m going to stop speaking with Red and we’re going to have to be very careful about who we speak to. Well at least we’ll be careful about handing out our last name. How does that sound?” I suggested.
The phone rang. Pedro reached for it but stopped, dropping his hand back onto the sofa. “What if these things find us? What do they want?” he inquired, staring at the ringing phone.
I shrugged and stood up. “I don’t know but answer that before she gets pissed off,” I responded. I went to the entrance and hung my coat up. After setting my boots in the closet I went to the kitchen to find something to eat.
After hearing that things from Argmar were looking for us, I was hungry. Also, I was trying to ignore a question that kept popping into my head. Should we tell King Lucifer?
Last edited by MeadowLark on Thu May 21, 2009 11:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3
Reviews 198
No need to be nervous. This was actually quite good. I like the faeries theme, and I also like that the faeries here are guys, when in most stories they're female.

“See anything suspicious lately?” I inquired.
He gave me a sharp look almost immediately. “Why?” he demanded.
I was taken aback. What was the deal with him getting so defensive? It was just a civil question.


Actually I think there should be a specific reason why Antonio asked that question. It seemed to just pop out of the blue, and questions like that aren't random most of the time. Perhaps in the beginning Antonio should mention some strange "goings-on" going on. Maybe some faeries have been disappearing, or they've been acting weird(ex. Invasion of the Body Snatchers) or something. Like I said, the question seems really random.

Another thing, it's not really anything big but it just sort of tickled my elbow: wouldn't "Tony" be a better nickname for Antonio than "Ant"? I don't know if that's something Pedro calls his younger(?) brother to make fun of him or anything, but Tony just sounds better to me. Your choice though.

Nice suspense hanging in the air at the end of this chapter. Makes me want to know what the brothers are going to do. I'm also curious about this Mary Jane.

By the way, I'm already hooked by the two bickering brothers. The bum's pretty funny, too. I hope it will stay comical like this in future chapters.

So I pretty much just gave you a basic overview, because I figured you'd want to know about what I think of the story. If you'd like, I could point out the grammatical errors and spelling mistakes (I actually found a lot, but looked over them). Or you could let the other readers do that for you, which is good for both of us, because I like to give critiques on story plot-lines, not gram&spell issues.

Anyways, pretty good for a beginner. PM me when you have the next one up, and I'll leave you another review like this one.

Ciao babe, Dream.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 233
Hi you shouldn't be worried, this is really good! I'm really curious and I like the twist on fairies and animal parts, I hope you write more :)

I couldn't find much that could be improved, it was well written. i've got just a few little things (thats if I'm being fussy)

I yawned, covering my mouth with a hand.


I think a would sound better as one.

Be lucky you don’t have to do the speech,


I know what you mean by this but I think it could be written better, perhaps Consider yourself lucky?

Yea I was just joking Gabbie.


Yea needs a h on the end.

I loathed my stupid tail and those horns


I don't think you need to say those, my stupid tale and horns sounds better to me.

There really wasn’t any pretty Faerie girls that had animal parts like I


like I should be like me

I practically fell through the door, out of breath. That little brat was still on the phone. I chucked the cap to the floor and hurried into the living room.


I was a bit confused here as before you had said he just walked down the street but now it sounds like he has been running- I can see that he would walk normally so that the tramp guy doesn't know anything is up but perhaps you could add in that once he was out of his sight he ran down the alleyway? That might make more sense as to why he is out of breath.

I think the last bit goes by a bit quick, Ant goes from being really panicked to shrugging and walking off and that doesn't seem to fit right for me. Maybe you could say something about him still being a bit shaken up, perhaps his hands keep trembling or his hearts pounding or something. I think it would be more effective to describe the process of him calming down and wondering what to do next.

I loved the ending! Really nice cliffhanger. And I don't think there is too much information, I undertsood what was going on and you left out enough to make me want to know more :D I loved the pussy cat tail part as well, this story really made me smile at parts, Hope to read more on this soon!




User avatar
Gender Other
Points 89625
Reviews 1272
Woo! More of this is up!

Most have magic powers or the talent for shifting or nothing at all.


The way this list is organized is a little off. "Most have" is referring to magic powers or talents. "Nothing at all" should not be included in that list, but with the "or" there it is.

But since they’re banishment,


"They're" should be "their"

Most Faeries have adapted to the ways of the human race but there are others who still try to find a way back to Argmar and others who stay in that creature shape…Antonio!”


I don't really understand this line. You've linked too many phrases together.

Also, watch your paragraph breaks here. "Antonio" should be in the next paragraph.


I responded.


You technically don't need this tag, since you've made it clear the narrator is talking. If you want it there for a pause, try to replace it with some sort of action tag.

“The Faeries, unlike us talented ones, who are cursed with little animal parts have boring, bitter lives. Well at least those who live by the law and are bound by oaths. Because they are different, they are not invited to boring conferences such as this and they cannot do other things us privileged Faeries are allowed to do. But is it really their fault they have that curse? Should we really hold it against them? Should we---”


This entire passage is confusing. The punctuation in line one is off, which throws everything else into confusion. It seems like you are trying to say that the half-animal fairies are not as privileged, but I'm not sure.

I responded calmly.


You've tagged something twice here again. When you give an action, usually you don't need to give the tone of voice, and vise versa. Personally I prefer action tags, but you can use any type you want.

“We aren’t privileged and we aren’t the talented ones.”


And what do you mean by this? Who are the "privileged ones" and who are the "talented ones"?

It wouldn’t be fair to her if I broke up with after a week or so.


You're missing "her" after "with."

His grin widened even more and he looked at me. “Perhaps you’re right Ant, they don’t want to be just friends.”


You're missing an action here. The way this is written, we think that he's still saying that to Gabbie, when he's saying it to Ant. Perhaps if you added that Pedro put his hand over the mouthpiece it would flow better.

There really wasn’t any pretty Faerie girls that had animal parts like I…that I have met so far.


First off, I find this would read better as "like me" instead of "like I." Secondly, you change tense after the ellipse. "Have" should be "had."

Also, the pretty Faeries that had powers and the shifting ability didn’t want us Misfits.


Missing "and" after "ability"

he inquired.


You've used "inquired" twice in two lines. If you really want to have a second tag here, replace one of them. I personally don't think you need it, but that is up to you.

What was the deal with him getting so defensive? It was just a civil question. “I was merely curious. Jeez, who stole what from you? I’ve never seen you so…defensive,”


You've told us Red's gotten defencive twice here. Delete one.

What’s the matter with you?” Red demanded.
Shit! Who the hell were these shifting freaks?


You're missing any sort of explanation as to why Red would ask "what's the matter with you?"

taking in my pale face.


Now how would the narrator know that his own face was pale? Put something along the lines of: "He studied me for a few second. My face must have been pale."

“What?!


Just one punctuation mark after a bit of dialogue. Since we get a shocked expresion, it would be alright to drop the exclamation mark.

~~~

Tags- You use dialogue tags a lot, even when you have already used an action tag for that bit of dialogue. You also tend to repeat the same descriptions (Inquired, asked, ect) which can make those words lose their effectiveness. Usually, when you use a word other then "said" (which is an okay word to use) it has a certain meaning. When you use nothing but terms other then "said" they start to become annoying and/or distracting. Replace some of those "dialogue tags" with action tags, or just delete them if you've already used an action tag. ^_^

In the dark- I find you could use a few more info dumps in here, actually. Like more about the conference and about how hard it is for Ant to fit in. Maybe add some more about how Ant feels at seeing his brother be able to do a bunch of things.

Also, explain a bit more how the fairies were before they became more human. Did they have wings? More magic? What?

Commas- I noticed that you used commas right before a descriptive word to break it off. Such as here:


I explained, hurriedly.


You don't need to do that, unless the description is long. For a single word like this, you don't need to.

So, what I have pointed out are pretty much first-draft bugs that need clearing up. Those aside, I am very interested as to how things are going! You have taken an interesting twist on fairies, one I hope you will explore more fully in later chapters.

If you have any questions, drop me a line.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1290
Reviews 7
Earlier critiques caught most of the grammar stuff, so I won't rehash that. I am curious about two things:

1) How old are the brothers? They sound like fairly young teenagers from the way they talk (and the way they treat their girlfriends.) Depending on how old they are/appear to be, other questions arise: if they look like teenagers, do they live with "parents"? How do they avoid getting picked up by well-meaning social workers? if they look like adults, do they have jobs? Where do they live and how do they pay for that space/food/clothes?

2) How are the Faeries managing to keep their presence hidden from humans if 30% of the faeries have cat tails, frog feet, or other animal parts? Don't people notice and ask questions? How do they deal with that?


Keep going!
Merricat, said Constance, would you like a cup of tea?

http://www.notadoor.livejournal.com



I always prefer to believe the best of everybody; it saves so much trouble.
— Rudyard Kipling