Poem

Yes, be new

Be new
And try
Believe
Be
And I will not believe it
Nothing dies
It’s still in you
Your black heart?
Your white heart?
It’s still in you
Nothing dies
Everything comes back
The red rose comes back
Back again to bloom
The tress will lose there leafs
And shiver in the winter
But it comes back
Back again to bloom
The feelings in a human
May change and grow
But it comes back
Back again to bloom
I am happy
I know
You will never be new
So I don’t fear you now
Now I will run away
With a smile on my face
You
Be new
And try
Believe
Be
I don’t believe it
Nothing dies

I thought this piece was okay. I know it takes a lot of courage to get your first piece posted, so I'm going to try my best to be extra helpful. :]

The tress will lose there leafs

In this sentence, you accidentally said "leafs". This instead should be "leaves".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Over all, you didn't have a lot of grammatical errors but I have a lot of notes.

First of all, I advise that you add some punctuation marks to your poem. Punctuation is essential, especially in lyric poetry. It guides the reader and helps set the tone of your poem, as well as the pace. I saw that you in fact used no puncutation marks in this piece. Did you do this to prove a certain point? If not, consider adding some in the appropriate place.

Also, I was a bit confused by the entire message of the piece. It's a bit confusing. You have several different themes. "Nothind dies", "be new", and other themes are in this poem. This isn't a bad thing but you need to try to connect them to each other.

I think this is a good piece. With some editing and reviewing, I think it'll be even better.

If you have any questions, PM me anytime. I'd love to help!

-dd9

I thought that this piece was awesome. A hint it could easily be read from the bottom up to change, no well not change but to recreate the meaning while simotaneosly keeping the same rythm and flow to it. This poem had a awesome message about the ability of people to change and the inability to aknowledge those changes thats what it said to me at leat. There can be more meanings I know and so should most people on this site over all nice work. I won't comment on grammer or punctuation because I don't use it that often in my work. This was great keep up the work and good luck.

It is an enjoyable poem, but the hard shifts were distracting, such as

But it comes back

Back again to bloom

I am happy

I know

Perhaps you can divide the poem into stanzas where the ideas and themes change. And I just want to be sure, "Yes, Be New" is the title, right?

I like the ideas and themes, with some work I'm sure the poem will be wonderful. Keep it up!

Yours Truly,
RebellionLies

Hey there Blair! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you .

I read this as soon as you posted it, so my review is much delayed. I'm not too sure why I didn't review it right away, but anyway, here we go.



Oh! And by the way, welcome to YWS!

*

Strangely, this poem is really interesting . I didn't actually understand why you are using the phrase Be new. Are you using that to say be unique, different, and such? I couldn't really tell. However! That's not the point.

Anyway!

I like how you repeated some of the lines at the end! That's kind of giving it a parallel form, and like evanrith said, you can read it from bottom up.

I like this poem without punctuation. Some poems rely entirely on punctuation; other times punctuation will kill the poem. I don't think that punctuation would necessarily kill this poem, but I think that it flows free-er without it. (I don't think free-er is a word, anyway xD)


To speak, This was quite different. In a good way, that is. I only noticed one nit-pick within:

The tress will lose there leafs

Tress-- I believe you meant Trees. And like someone above pointed out, leafs should be leaves.


* *

Nice work, dear! I look forward to seeing more by you!

June

thank you all very much.
when i write i want anyone to be able to talk a part of what im saying and aply it to their own life.there are so much diffrent meaning in the poems i write.because its human.a human dosnt make sence and anything one says can have diffrent meanings to it.
and about my errors, my laptop is very old and WORD on there is even older.and im sure you kno the older ones suck.and also i cant spell well to save my life.i"ll pay more attention.

oh by the by

"yes, be new" dose happen to be the tital.i'm still trying to get the hang of working this thing.i couldnt figer out how to post things up.and now im trying to figer out how to put up the artwork i've done and the photos ive taken.