My Shame

My Shame

I'm innocent while asleep
fears can't ever stir me
until I awake
then my demons come to claim thier stake

Personal vices call out to me
embrace me, shame me
until I can't breathe
I crawl out gasping
for something else to take me

I can only love me for
thing I can never be
I don't think i've ever heard of
something called pride

I long for something pathetic
I strive to become an embarrassment
I wish I was a tranwreck
but that's not a word potent enough

In the meantime
I'll consort with patience
and choke on another cigarette.

Wow I just realized how terrible this is, Sorry for posting it.

;=; You should never say that about your own work! Okay, I mean, if you put absolutely no work in it and don't care about it at all, then it might be crappy, because it has no spark in it, but you posted it here, so you obviously cared about it to an extent. ^_^ Annnd, just because it might seem worse to you than it did when you wrote it, that's sometimes the point of writing: to get your emotions out while they're there and come back to fix the writing up later. C:

I like the essence of this poem a LOT, because it feels quite broken-down and a bit grungy. C: I just have a few comments on parts of it that could be cleaned up! ^_^

I can only love me for

thing I can never be

I don't think i've ever heard of

something called pride

Hmm, I don't know if I just wasn't paying attention or something, but I don't feel a solid rhythm in this piece. Because of that, I think it would hurt to move around some things in this passage! I think you might want to say 'I can only love myself/ for something I can never be'. Then, the second two lines of this part is kind of... awkward? >_< I don't know that it really fits with the rest of the poem, or that it makes a strong enough point. You might wanna consider either sticking a different message in there or reworking this part to make something stronger -- stronger words, maybe some imagery? ^_^

I long for something pathetic

I strive to become an embarrassment

I wish I was a tranwreck

but that's not a word potent enough

First of all, I think you meant 'trainwreck'. Hehehe. Second of all, I LOVE the parallel thing you have going with the first three lines, but I think the last line kind of ruins the power of them. >_<;; Maybe you could say 'I search for a word more potent than failure' or something, to describe the way the narrator is feeling? ^_^ Just a suggestion.

Over all, I think this has IMMENSE potential and I don't think you need to be down on yourself about it! ^_^

Good work!

Hehe, don't be so hard on yourself. And I quote Yoda "Do, or do not. There is no try." You wrote a poem; that's cool in itself. :3


That said, there's quite a few spelling mistakes, and I think it would help you to read some books about poetic devices (or take a class?). However, you get your point across more clearly than a lot of poems I've read on this site lately, which is good. It means you're not cowardly enough to hide your mistakes behind mismatched metaphors.

Just, uh, keep going, keep doing! And go learn about meter/rhyme/figurative language/imagery/consonance + assonance while you're at it. ^^

Hi, VampDollie! Welcome to YWS! I am June, and I am going to review this for you!

First of all, do not say your own work is terrible!

My dad used to say, "Love your notes. They are what will shape you as a person."

Saying that your work is terrible is going to do lots of bad things, dear. First, you're not going to appreciate your work to its fullest, and then you're going to make other people look for the worst in it, and tear it up from the worst part. So! Remain positive about your work at all times. (Trust me, I know that's hard to do sometimes)

Anyway, moving on!

• This is honest poetry! Maybe it's not defined by what English grammar and poets before have structured for poetry, but that's fine! This is pure-- meaning that it's your feelings exactly, poured out onto the page in the best way you can pour it out. That's the main focus of this poem.

I really like how you use some big and some small words here-- you're not trying to be too complex; yet you aren't being too simple. I really like that .

Let me bring this to your attention: A small nitpick--

I can only love me for

thing I can never be

I don't think i've ever heard of

something called pride

• Thing? I believe that should be things, am I correct?

• Also! Remember to capitalize the pronoun "I"! That includes writing I'm, I've and so on.

* * *

Most often, people say that the best way to revise poetry is to read it aloud. Try reading this aloud and make sure that your language is fluent and that it flows well.

Overall:

I can't say that you had a steady rhythm throughout this, but I can say that it was well written enough for your audience to be able to relate.

Also! Don't apologize for posting something, dear! We love to read here, so anything goes.

I look forward to seeing more of your work around here! Good job; keep it up!

June