No longer

*reviews are welcome! *



I do not want to linger anymore.
My pain I can not ignore.
And I'll stay on this dream
Struggling for some air to scream
Suppressed by my reasonless fears
Drowning in my meaningless tears.

You used to irradiate light
It was beautiful, bright
Like you, so strong!
My darkness to you belongs.
Now there's nothing to light my way,
I wish you were here, everyday.

Time keeps passing me by,
While I'm staring at the sky,
Wondering why you left
After you've done your theft.
You stole my soul and heart.
And now that were apart,
I'm broken beyond repair
My pain I can no longer bare.

Goodbye, my love,
I'm going above,
I'll be free
To fly over the sea.
No longer alone
No longer unknown.

*writewatiwant* wrote:I do not want to linguer anymore. Unless your country spell it differently than mine, I belive the proper spelling is 'linger'.
I'll lay myself on the floor
And I'll stay there
Strungling for some air Struggling, dear. Did you proofread this?
Supressed by my reasonless fears
Drowed on my meaningless tears. 'Drowning in my meaningless tears' would be the only grammatically correct way to phrase this, as far as I can tell.

So! This is nice and flowing, but take a look at your meaning. First you say that you don't want to linger, but then that's exactly what you do-- lie down on the floor. A bit contradictive, no? What are you trying to get across?

Your light!
It used to be so bright
So strong!
But now, everything is wrong,
There's nothing to light my way,
Either by night or day.

Eh...this rhyming isn't doing it for me. It seems very forced, and I liked your rhyming scheme in the first stanza much better than here. 'Light bright', 'strong wrong', 'way day'? Is there anything more original and perhaps...less obvious you can do?

Time keeps passing me by,
While I stared at the sky, To keep consistent with the tense in the first line, you might want to rephrase this to 'While I'm staring at the sky' instead.
Wondering why you left
After you've done your thefth. 'Theft' is the word your looking for.
You stole my soul and heart
And now that were apart,
I'm broken beyond repair
My pain I can no longer bare.

I hate to say it, but all of your rhyming seems forced. They're perfect rhymes, yes, but they don't help the flow of the poem at all for me. I like the last two lines here, though.

Goodbye, my love,
I'm going above,
I'll be free
To fly over the sea.
No longer alone
Away I have flown.

So, for this to work, you should probably keep your tenses straight. You say 'I'm going' and 'I'll be', which indicates future tense, but then you say 'I have flown' which indicates it's already happened. It detracts from the meaning of your poem when the reader has to decipher when everything's going on.

Alright! Hope that wasn't to harsh, dear. It wasn't a bad poem at all. However, to me, when reading it, I imagined a heartsick girl droning on and on about her lost love in this steady, monotonous tone. You see? The first and last stanzas are my favorite, because the rhymes are least apparent and least forced.

You really should proofread your work beore posting it. A piece with a bunch of spelling and grammatical errors is unappealing to the eye, and it makes it seem like you don't care enough about our poem to just do a once-over on it before letting us reviewers attack it. Understand?

My suggestions are to go over rhymes and see where you can soften them. This poem would hold so much more emotion and heartbreak if we weren't jarred with a forced rhyme every single line; you could concentrate more on the flow and the meaning than if this rhymes perfectly. The contrast in nice, too, when you rhymed shorter lines with longer lines and vice versa. It adds that complexity and makes the rhyme more natural, I think.

Good luck! PM me if you need me to look over an edit!

~Evi

Thanks both for your reviews! I'll edit it as soon as I can. I ran this through the spelling check and it didn't pointed anything, so...
Anyway, thanks!

Hey.

The rhyme scheme here was rather odd. It was different in every stanza.

Ok. This review is just really plainly my opinion and others may disagree but I don't think the rhyme worked too well. The rhyming words all came together and was forming this beat which I think destroyed the melancholy feeling this poem was supposed to be portraying. Maybe it's just me though.

Anyway, I agree with Rosey. Brilliant imagery but the rhyme needs fixing.