Muarte: Prologue

The phone trilled again; a hollow screech in an otherwise hollow house. Of course I knew who it was and I was definitely not going to answer it. I wasn’t going near it. I wasn’t entirely sure what he was able to do and I was in no hurry to find out.
For three days now this has happened; three torturous days I sat in this house hoping against hope that he would stop.
He didn't.
I shifted on the couch, watching, waiting for the next move. Of course it came, right on cue. The house and its surrounding got eerily quiet and for an instant I knew what it was like to be deaf. That's when I sensed it. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, and simultaneously my mind and body turned toward the back door. The thin, sliding glass that separated me from the white lawn; separated me from him. The snow covered every inch of the once grassy yard, turning the faded blue house into a warm shelter for the frost bitten occupants. As I looked out at the familiar landscape he stepped from the darkness into the light.
Aiden probed my mind, gently, as if he was touching something precious. Each touch was like pin pricks. I looked at him, his beautiful face contorted in deep concentration.
Just three months ago, we were best friends. Has it really been that long? Three months since he “disappeared”, three months since he brought things up better left in to dark. Seemed like an eternity since he had left and worse yet, I missed him. I missed him, as someone would miss an arm or a leg that was no longer there. Finally his touch faded and I felt a sweet relief that I was somehow impermeable to his tricks.
"Kaye, let me in. We have to talk." He placed his hand on the door causing the already chill room to instantly drop a couple more degrees.
"Get away Aiden. Just leave. I don't want to speak to you again."
I looked into his eyes which searched for mercy, for forgiveness--something I couldn't give him. Not now. Not yet. One of his hands still rested lightly on the door while the other hung idle at his side. I knew that at this moment he was trying not to seem threatening; but I knew what he was. I knew how, in a instant, those elegant hands could turn into killing machines.
“Go away Aiden, I’m done playing this game.”
I got to my feet and turned my back on my best friend. I walked through the living room that I’ve played in since I was born, a room that I barely knew anymore and up the stairs to a room that I’ve slept in since I was in first grade and had my first sleep over in. Wearily I turned the warn, metal doorknob and walked into a room that seemed too small to hold all the problems that now rested on my shoulders.
Before I knew what was happening two arms wrapped around me and to my astonishment I couldn’t find the will to move. Couldn't find the will to breath.
I felt a cool breath on the back of my neck.
“On the contrary Princess, the games’ just begun.”

The phone [s]shrilled[/s] trilled again; a hollow screech in [s]an other words[/s] another world's hollow house. Of course I knew who it was. I was definatly not going to answer it[s],[/s]. I wasn't going near that thing, for fear, by some supernatural way, he would be able to feel the life in me beating next to it.

For three days know this has happened[s],[/s]. [s]for[/s]For three days I stood in this exact spot, hoping against hope it would stop; it didn't. I shifted on the couch, watching, waiting for the next move. In an instant it came[s];[/s]. [s]the[/s] The phone stopped ringing, and the doorbell chimed. Again and again it played the same gong type sound, over and over until it made no sense to me. It gonged with each beat of my heart, like he waited and watched, and every time my heart beat he would once again ring the bell. Thats when I sensed it. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, [s]simoltaniously[/s] simultaneously my mind and body turned toward the back door, the back glass door that opened out into the grassy yard of the two storied blue house. It matched the others on the block almost exactly. She looked; two [s]yellow[/s] inhuman yellow eyes stared back.

So since it's a short post, I'll just quote this whole thing, but the adjustments in bold. The adjustments are going to be what I think it is. Okay? This is the first time I've review like this.
- - -

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS~

So a few gramatical errors, a few spelling mistakes. Yeah. It was okay. It was good that you made it sort of exciting, but not telling us what she was waiting for. But I just don't think this was my cup of tea.

Sorry,

LaReina!

grammar is not my strong suit, in fact i suck at it so instead i will say my likes and dislikes and over all comment.

Likes-
it has a thrill to it
it was mysterious
had just the right amount of suspense
descriptive
creative
gave a supernatural Viv

Dislikes-
nothing really it was good.
Grammar, which i do not mind cause sense i have such bad grammar i do not see it.

Over all- it was great kept me wanting more and more of it. I really hope to see more of it.

Well, it was pretty interesting, I'll admit that. But you must remember to place spaces between a period, comma, etc. Like I've been doing. Also, your i's need to be capitalized.

"Claire, let me in. We have to talk."He placed his hand on the door, Instantly the room dropped a couple degrees

.

Here is a suggestion: He placed his hand on the door and instantly the room dropped a couple degrees.

"GO AWAY!" I screamed over the ringing and the gonging. I flew to my feet and ran as fast as I could up the stairs, I threw the door open to my room. I screamed again, I heard Cameron call my name;all went black. The last thing I saw before I fell into oblivion, was a man in his late thirties, or so it seemed. When i opened the door, he had looked at me. Looked at me with yellow inhuman eyes.

These are just helpful hints that I hope you find helpful. I hope I don't confuse you with my rambling. This paragraph just really annoyed me (no offense) and it was very quick.

"GO AWAY!" I screamed over the ringing and the gonging. Make this another paragraph.

I flew to my feet and ran as fast as I could up the stairs. I (You need to change that comma to a period) threw the door open to my room and (Join those two sentences together to make it sound less choppy) screamed again. (But why did she scream?) I heard Cameron call my name before everything went black. (Getting rid of that comma splice and adding an extra word in may help your writing along) The last thing I saw before I fell into oblivion, was a man who appeared to be in his late thirties. (Has a better ring or no?) When I had opened the door he had looked at me. Looked at me with inhuman, yellow eyes.

Also, we as the reader, don't even know your MC's name or who anyone is or what is going on. Perhaps you could elaborate on that.

So, this is the very first time I have ever done anything like this. PM me when you post more. I'd love to read more.

Hey, thank you so much for the reviews. The MC's name is Claire, Cameron says her name and I know it needs work, it was the spur of the moment kind of thing, lol:) Well i'll take all of your reviews into consideration. Thanks a bunch!

Wow, this was pretty good! I liked the suspense and the mystery vibe. Here's what I found:

The phone trilled again; a hollow screech in an other words hollow house.

I think you meant otherwise.

For three days now this has happened, for three days I sat in this exact spot, hoping against hope it would stop;it didn't.I shifted on the couch, watching, waiting for the next move.

Okay...a few things here.
First, changing that first comma into a period would make it sound a little more suspenseful:
'For three days now this has happened. For three days I sat in this exact spot, hoping against hope it would stop'
Second, you need a space after 'stop'.
Third, you need a space after 'didn't'.

the phone stopped ringing, and the doorbell chimed.

You don't need the comma here.

and every time my heart beat he would once again ring the bell.

This took me a little while to figure out what you were trying to say. Try something like this:
'...and every time my heart would beat, he would ring the bell once again.'
Or something like that

The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, simultaneously my mind and body turned toward the back door, the back glass door that opened out into the grassy yard of the two storied blue house.

Put 'and' right before 'simultaneously'. You can leave the comma. Also, start a new sentence after 'back door'. That, or split it with a semi-colon.

I looked;two yellow inhuman eyes stared back.

Space after the semi-colon and flip 'yellow' and 'inhuman'.

Three months since we were best friends, has it really been that long?

I'm not entirely sure how to fix this one. Something about it is weird. This is how I would change it:
'It had been three months since we were best friends. Had it really been that long?'
But even then, I'm not sure it's right. I dunno.

Three months since he disapeared, three months since he recked my life.

'Disappeared' and 'wrecked'

We have to talk."He placed his hand on the door and instantly the room dropped a couple degrees.

Space after the quotation and comma after 'instantly'.

"GO AWAY!"

People catch me on this all the time. Italicize this, but don't ever do all caps.

I screamed over the ringing and the gonging.

Since, in this case, ringing and gonging mean the same thing, you only need to have one of them here.

I flew to my feet and scambled up the stairs.

I think you should flip 'flew' and 'scrambled'. Saying that someone flew to their feet doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I threw the door open to my room and half fell and half jumped in.I stopped, stared and in a split second let out another ear splitting scream,

First, space after the period.
Second, comma after 'stared'.
Third, you use 'split' and 'splitting' very close to each other. Change 'ear-splitting' to something different, like 'blood-curdling', or take it out. That, or take out the first 'split'.
Lastly, end this in a period. This is fine as a sentence all by itself.

I heard Cameron call my name;everything went black.

Space after the semi-colon.

The last thing I saw before I fell into oblivion, was a man who appeared to be in his late thirties.

You don't need the comma here.

When I opened the door, he had turned from my favorite window that over saw the front yard, and looked at me.

I think 'overlooked' would sound better here.

Looked at me with yellow inhuman eyes.

...inhuman yellow eyes. Other than that, I really like how you ended it with this.

Overall, I thought it was really good. You just have to remember to put spaces after periods and semi-colons I was on the edge of my seat the whole time! I can't wait to read more! Keep up the good work!

~Rayne

Ok. Overall. It was good. One thing that did annoy me though was the fact you kept repeating "unnatural yellow eyes" It really got onmy nerves. Other parts were a bit fast and jumpy and didn't really flow. But keep working and all will be good. XD

Hi Starlene

I must say that I really like this. You write a fairly strong prose, and really know how to draw the reader's focus.

Your piece has already been nitpicked, so I'm not going to do this. Here are a few things that I noticed that might improve your piece though:

For three days now this has happened

It took me a while to work out what made the above sentence uncomfortable to read, but I think I know the answer. Your piece is told in the past tense, but you now switch to the present tense. This makes your piece a little uncomfortable to read, so I would suggest sticking to the past tense.

Secondly:

"Go away, Cameron. I don't know you any more, nor do I want to get to know you now."

This piece of dialogue doesn't seem too realistic to me. I would suggest something more along the lines of: "Get away Cameron. I... Just leave. Yes, I don't want to speak to you again."

One last thing. I think that there is a little bit too much about the ringing phones. Perhaps you want to connect them more to her? Perhaps instead of,

The doorbell chimed repeatidly, the phone rang constantly.

"the loud ringing echoing, almost screaming into my ear."

I hope the review helped.
Have a good one!