A Test of Metal

A Test of Metal

For all the ordeals of character that might arise,
There is not much more telling than the threat of demise

For some they are few and far between,
For some it seems it’s all they’ve seen.

I’ve not lived that many, but I remember one,
An occurrence in Zambia, where threat tried to strike me dumb.

There was a man outside, who we did not know.
There was me and five others, laying low.

The leaders were absent; we were on our own,
How we dealt with it was decided alone.

My partner was antsy; he was ready to fight,
He thought of the others, he turned off our light.

Better he come here, where we were in wait,
Then to the room, where Stephanie lay.

I lay on my bed, adrenaline pumping
All senses online, heart wildly thumping.

Many minutes past, in this ready state
Waiting for the inevitable sound of his shifting weight.

Trevor was worried, he wanted out,
To check on the others, to make sure all was well.

I told him no, and here is the crux,
Was I a coward or wise man, outside of my thoughts?

I reasoned thus, we had heard no commotion
Thus no danger, was my notion.

But if the man had gotten into their rooms, and they were silent still,
Then he had a gun, loaded to kill.

So Trevor was exposing himself and I, for no reason at all,
Or he might be killed, in the chaotic after fall

The end of this story is not all that grand,
The man was a guard, assigned to be close at hand.

How sound was my judgment? I believe it was so.
What guided my thoughts? I will never know.

Hey there Famous Author! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you!

You began in a perfect rhythm, ending each line with a perfect rhyme. In some places, your rhythm and rhyme did stumble, but that's fine. Some places were slant; others it vanished completely.

I really do like how you told the story, though. It has that "serious" tone to it, but we can tell that the end will bring the twist. Lots of tragic hero stories are told in this way; where the main character makes a mistake that brings him to either doom or the downfall of something else .

Nitpick:

So Trevor was exposing himself and I, for no reason at all,

Or he might be killed, in the chaotic after fall

Question! Is the usage of "So" what you want here? Do you think that this is sufficient for what you're trying to imply here. If you drop the so are you losing anything? See if you're adding an extra point of emphasis by removing it, dear.


Also! In the very last line of this poem, I don't think you need the question mark. A comma will do just fine, dear.

* * *

Overall, I think this was well written. You used rhyme perfectly well in this; it only slipped in some places. The only part about this that slightly bothered me was your repetition in some places. It could work, but without it the poem would have more of a "fresh" way of reading to it.

Some lines in this had a slight deadwood drag, meaning that they had too much words when they could have been shorter. But, nevertheless, it was good. Very nice to read!

Keep it up! I hope to see much more work from you around here .

June

Hiya Famous Author! I saw you on the Welcome forums once upon a time.

Better he come here, where we were in wait,
Then to the room, where Stephanie lay.

This is the only time where the break in rhyme bothered me.

I liked the rhyme scheme here. The short stanzas gave it a more choppy feeling, adding to the drama.

What I didn't like as much though was the reasoning behind everything. It was nice, but it left me a little confused.

Overall, I did like this. It was dark but at the same time light, partially because of the rhyme (don't ask, but usually when I see rhyme it makes things lighter)

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Simple line by line review here:


---------
For all the ordeals of character that might arise,

There is not much more telling than the threat of demise
('the threat' doesn't work for me, its clear what you mean already)


For some they are few and far between,

For some it seems it’s all they’ve seen.

(Not like the beginning on either one of those lines. Too simple I think as well)



I’ve not lived that many, but I remember one,

An occurrence in Zambia, where threat tried to strike me dumb.

(Broken rhyme, 'threat' 'occurrence' and 'Zambia' break flow.



There was a man outside, who we did not know.

There was me and five others, laying low.

(There was x2. Too simple.)



The leaders were absent; we were on our own,

How we dealt with it was decided alone.

(Doesn't work well with second line.)



My partner was antsy; he was ready to fight,

He thought of the others, he turned off our light.

(Doesn't work again. Second line not clear with 'partner' when you probably mean lover.)



Better he come here, where we were in wait,

Then to the room, where Stephanie lay.

(I'm lost now for the poetry.)


I lay on my bed, adrenaline pumping

All senses online, heart wildly thumping.

(Awkward words break flow and the ending rhyme is not working for me.)


Many minutes past, in this ready state

Waiting for the inevitable sound of his shifting weight.

(Alright.. I'm lost from here to end.)


Trevor was worried, he wanted out,

To check on the others, to make sure all was well.


I told him no, and here is the crux,

Was I a coward or wise man, outside of my thoughts?



I reasoned thus, we had heard no commotion

Thus no danger, was my notion.



But if the man had gotten into their rooms, and they were silent still,

Then he had a gun, loaded to kill.



So Trevor was exposing himself and I, for no reason at all,

Or he might be killed, in the chaotic after fall



The end of this story is not all that grand,

The man was a guard, assigned to be close at hand.



How sound was my judgment? I believe it was so.

What guided my thoughts? I will never know.

----

Yeah I don't get it, this poem is dramatic in a way, but its a real shame I cannot figure out what is going on and your awkward words just constantly pause my reading. It just didn't work for me, and left me confused and horribly lost within words. Too much doesn't make any sense and the parts that do make sense, don't seem to be supported enough to be powerful.