my newspaper

where is the battle
i wonder
gazing upon the sky

* *

where is the clashing
the thunder
the footsteps pounding by

* *

the aching sigh
the triumph cry
that fits this solemn paper sky

* *

where is the battle
i always wonder

sitting here
beneath and under

such a gray sky
without thunder

* *

where is the battle
wonder i

I admire the creative staggering of lines and the spacing...it certainly adds to the buildup of the poem throughout the piece.

However, if you were trying to really be creative in how to construe the message, I'm afraid that you were a little too creative. I have no idea what the heck this is supposed to be about. But that's my only gripe. Otherwise this was a nice touch amidst the poetry I've seen in a while.

To be honest, I was a bit confused by your poem. It didn't lead me in any direction. Usually, many writers who post poetry here are missing a key element. That would be showing the reader. They instead usually tell the reader.

Well, you didn't really do either. I think actaully that this is a good thing. The mystery intruiged me, but at the same time it dissuaded me. I found myself thinking "What is this poem about?". If you are trying to get the reader to ask questions for the sake of art, than please, keep this the way you intended. But if this is accidental, I strongly suggest that you add more meaning to this poem.

Consider adding more details. The MC of your piece speaks of battles. What battles? Why is there the topic of battles? Are you trying to speak about battles in general or do you have some analogy to everyday life that involves battles? Going further into this would make it less confusing.

If you have any questions, PM me. I'd love to see what changes (if any) you make. If I can help in any other way, let me know.

-dd9

first of all, i would like to thank you both for your comments, and let you know that any feedback is always very much appreciated.

next, i suppose i owe some sort of explanation for the ambiguity of my poem. the problem is that i forget about my readers. when i write a poem, its because i have feelings that have been bottled up and have been circling around within me for too long, and so i simply must transfer them elsewhere, and so i write them down. then later, when i go to submit them to be read by others, i forget that I am the only one who understands what im talking about.

i suppose ill just give a short explanation of what this poem means. (in any case, what it means to me, for a different meaning could surely be extracted from it, depending on the reader, and what they would like to believe it means). basically, this poem is about how my life has been gray. at least, it has felt gray. and solemn, and altogether depressing, really. but the thing is that there is no evidence in my life at present that could possibly justify feeling anything but content. no one has died, nothing has been lost, nobody has divorced, and absolutely nothing worth mentioning has happened that would explain this gray-sky feeling. it looks gray and depressing, but there's no thunder and no rain and no battles to prove that it is. so thats basically it.

anyways, now that ive just given you my life story for goodNESS sake, i promise that i will strive to remember my readers, next time i sit down to write a poem. im sorry for confusing people

Hi!
To tell you the truth right on the beginning; I was thrown back of the computer cause of your spacing, captions and marks... It isn't nice ...
But on the other side; I understand your thoughts... But that's just my opinion. I like when the reader can understand writer's thoughts in many ways... You have to be really great in writing to do that or be really stupid... You are standing somewhere in the middle and you need to decide where you want to go...

Every other critique that I can remember is written before mine.

P.S. I understand it as you are a person who doesn't have many significant "actions" in her life so she searches for them and wondering where are they. Not that's a bad thing.

well thank you for your feedback

(i wish this thing would let me do a sideways smile like i want it. i dont like the yellow people)

and im sorry that my spacing gave you a freak-out attack