Dream Weavers ~ part b

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 37
Here is the next installment of Dream Weavers. This story was inspired by a dream I had and I have been toying with the idea of completing this piece and writing a full novel.

Any comments or critique is welcome :)


~ Cheers


*****************

Nicole awoke abruptly to tiny; nimble fingers tapping against her tender and bruised cheek. At first everything was bleary from fatigue and her now partially swollen left eye, but after blinking them clear Kydia’s oval and deeply tanned face came into full view.
“Our rest period is over, A-ha.” Kneeling at her side, Kydia helped Nicole rise, careful not to pull or move too quickly. All around her were grumbles and groans as the other captives awoke to the dawning light. The air held a grey tinge to the eerie predawn blue, and with it came the smell of moist earth and rotting vegetation. The heavy footsteps of the guard were barely concealed by the still damp and darkly tanned animal skins. Pain radiated in her body in fluid, jolting waves from head to toe. The sound of rope running through a pulley could be heard and with slow; jerky bursts the animal skins were raised and bound exposing all within her cell. Unlike last night, the guards were no longer garbed in the same burdensome armor as they had been when she’d been initially brought here.
Instead each guard was adorned in lighter garments of dyed leather in the same deep red hue with smaller plates of steel affixed to their chest, back, torso and legs. Their masks were still the same however. Faces, hard and expressionless, each identical to the other making it impossible to differentiate them aside from the colors they wore. Kydia and the others dropped to their knees, head bowed low so their chins touched their chests and kept their hands folded behind their back in supplication.
“Do not look them in the eye, A-ha.” Kydia warned in a whispered tone that was barely audible. “Do as we do, when we do it and do not speak a word. I will translate if I am able.” Nicole mimicked the position of her fellow captives and fought against her inquisitive nature to observe the scene as everything unfolded around her, but cowardice outweighed her curiosity. Eyes fixed to the uneven planks of wood, the tips of steel trimmed leather boots could only be seen as one guard entered the enclosure and stepped around them each slapping down the coiled whip against their shoulders as he barked different orders and followed the pattern, ‘Ya’Hib-yii’, ‘Tra’tusi’, ‘De’Dai’.
When he finally reached Nicole, he waited a beat and then nudged her with the leather cord. “De’Dai – De’Dai.” Kydia bowed low at her side and Nicole followed suit.
“We’re to be taken to the sewing hutch. We’ll spend the day tying knots for fishing nets, mending garments, dyeing fabrics, tanning leather…we’ve been graced today A-ha.” Nicole turned her face towards Kydia, brow to the floor and arms still clasped behind her back.
“What about the others?” She wondered aloud. “Where will they be sent to?”
“The men all go to the pit to mine the stone and collect precious metals, ore, firestones, the black liquid and other such treasures embedded deep in the rock of Sa’Taris. Others, to the fields to till the earth, sow the seeds and tend to the harvest and animals.” With her head still bowed low, Nicole listened as the heavy steps shifted from the back of the enclosure and wound their way around bodies before stopping at the gate.
Si misoy, ada-loy!” Nicole felt those closest to her rise but Kydia quickly nudged her.
“Not yet A-ha, we are to rise in turn. Our group will exit last.” Nicole took slow and even breaths, her head began to throb dully on her shoulders, the welt under her left eye ached miserably and the various scraps and bruises along her skin were making their presence loud and clear. When it finally came time for her to rise, she thought that she was going to be violently ill.
The silent procession made their way from the small, cramped enclosure where they’d all be huddle in like cattle out along the rickety bridges and walkways of soaked rope and wood. A light ran began to fall and much to Nicole’s relief it beaded off the garment she wore and rolled down like water off a ducks back. They passed several other encampments, collected more individuals to join within their mass of numbers. Each was dressed the same as the other, but there were very distinct variances in races and gender. Some were tall and willow thin with impossibly narrow waists and long necks, others were short, squat and almost just as wide as they were round with bulging eyes and turned up noses. Now, out in the wet morning air, Nicole felt even viler then before. Everywhere she looked it was to see high walls of wood and an endless sky of grey, fringed with clouds and drenched with rain.
Gloomy, bleak and depressing. Did the sun ever break through the thick fog of sadness she wondered? Or, like them, was it tucked away behind an impenetrable wall with its light held as a prisoner to the will of the rain? Lost in her thoughts, Nicole was oblivious that the procession had come to a halt until she, herself, walked bodily into the man before her. Hastily she jumped back as he cast a disapproving glance over his shoulder with bi-colored eyes, one a piercing blue, the other a seething grey. Kydia reached over and gripped her arm, murmuring soft words to the man who remained silent but turned his attention to the sight before them. They stood in a muddy courtyard; the earth sucked at her feet and drew her down to her ankles. Before them were a set of wide, ornately carved and decorated doors where a pair of guards stood, the plates of armor were trimmed with gold as were their masks.
Overhead was a wide terrace that was a wide as the fortress itself and wrapped around the enclosure to disappear from eyesight. At its centre was an expansive archway with drapes the color of liquid gold that hung and shifted restlessly in the still breeze. The curtains were parted as a shrill instrument pierced the air. Four guards, again adorned in the same intricate armor as those that stood post by the main doors came forwards and stepped off to the side, their metal and expressionless faces gazing down at group of them below.
“You will see him now A-ha, the Emporer of the Sh’Hi-Tumen. He is known only as the Ara’Hi’Tugamen—a god in living form.” Nicole felt the hairs on the back of her neck bristle.
“Where I am from, there is a word in one of our many languages—Japanese, arahitogami…it means exactly the same thing.” Kydia smiled softly at her side.
“I am not surprised to hear it. All of us, we share a common root in our souls and in our languages. You will find many similarities and commonalities in many things just as there are as many differences.” Kydia turned her large brown eyes back to the terrace and in them all the warmth turned as cold as the frosty winter night Nicole had been plucked from only a few hours ago. There he stood, his face concealed by a mask but unlike his guards, whose false features were etched into emotionless expressions, his bore a grin that was wide and toothy. The eyes were turned into smiling half moons and surrounded by the wide, fat cheeks of a cherub. Somehow, despite the appearance of merriment and innocence, Nicole felt that this man, this Emperor was anything but the jovial image his mask portrayed.
His hands lifted in the air, each finger like fat sausages and glimmered with long golden rings that covered the top length and came to sharp points like claws at the tip. When he spoke, it was in a voice that was as deep as thunder and held as much power and authority as a piercing bolt of lightening.
“He wishes to see the new slaves that had been brought to him over the night. We who are not will bow low to the mud, you—and anyone else will stand and remain thus. Later tonight you will be collected, brought before him. There, you will receive your mark of enslavement and your name.”




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 26
Hello. I just stumbled upon your story, and I'm surprised to find that no one has commented on this part of it.

I'll critique this for you.

Kydia’s oval and deeply tanned face came into full view.


since 'oval' can also be a noun, I'd suggest putting 'face' in front of it so the reader knows what your talking about
for example, you could say,
Kydia's face, oval and deeply tanned, came into view


Also, the nickname 'A-ha' bugs me. It makes me think that the character is saying "Ah ha!" like "I have an idea!"
Maybe you could change it subtly.
Such as: Ar-ha, Aw-ha, Ah-wa, Al-ha

Pain radiated in her body in fluid, jolting waves


Hmm... it might look better if you change 'fluid' to 'flowing'

“You will see him now A-ha, the Emporer of the Sh’Hi-Tumen. He is known only as the Ara’Hi’Tugamen—a god in living form.” Nicole felt the hairs on the back of her neck bristle.

If Kydia is speaking here, don't talk about how Nicole reacts. Keep Nicole's reaction in a separate paragraph, so we, the readers, don't get confused.

“Where I am from, there is a word in one of our many languages—Japanese, arahitogami…it means exactly the same thing.” Kydia smiled softly at her side.


Is Kydia human? If not, why would another world be speaking in Japanese? That would be highly unlikely, considering that languages change in time.

Then again, how does Kydia know English?

“I am not surprised to hear it. All of us, we share a common root in our souls and in our languages. You will find many similarities and commonalities in many things just as there are as many differences.”

I think it would help if you told us who is speaking here before they speak. I'm guessing it's Kydia, but I'm not sure.

You have intriguing dreams, by the way.

This is a pretty cool piece, and I'd suggest that you finish it.

If you continue writing this, I'd recommend that you try to give the readers the promise that something is going to change soon. 'Tension' is really just another word for 'anticipation,' so to build up this story to a climax, hint at drastic change.

If you can pull that off, this would make a really cool book.

For ideas, Nicole could plan her escape from this planet. Or, something bad could happen to the planet, like an invasion. This alien race could go to war. Nicole could escape and be hunted down. She could be forced to leave the planet and end up on an expedition through the universe.

Idk. Those are the only ideas I can think of at the moment.

But if you make this into a book, don't have Nicole stuck in slavery for the whole thing.

I liked this. Keep writing.
If you have a horror story on YWS, feel free to PM me.
If you would like me to critique it, say so.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 37
hello - thanks for the review.

In answer to your questions:

Is Kydia human? If not, why would another world be speaking in Japanese? That would be highly unlikely, considering that languages change in time.

Then again, how does Kydia know English?


This would have been addressed in the first part of the chapter. Yes Kydia is a 'form' of human. She is not speaking Japanese, Nicole was pointing out a similarity between the two dialects.

Kydia is able to understand Nicole because 'English' is a form of a basic dialect that is universally spoken (again explained in the first chapter).

But if you make this into a book, don't have Nicole stuck in slavery for the whole thing.


Oh definately :) If there is anything I dislike it is writing overused cliches. I am only going to continue this piece once I've managed to iron out a decent plot for it.

Overall, thanks again and I am pleased that you enjoyed it.

~ Cheers



cron
My tongue must tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart, concealing it, will break...
— Katherine, The Taming of the Shrew