The Naked Eye:A Story of A Ghost Chapter 1

Chapter 1-The Fateful Day

Yo.The name's Zach,Zachary Mortimer Windel.This is my story.I used to have a perfect-or as close to perfect as possible-life.I had a family,a good education,even a friend who could've been my future girlfriend.But then my life went down the toilet.I was 13 years old.
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"C'mon!", called Kai Lilly Anderson,my best friend."We're gonna be late!"
I laughed.We still had a while,but that's Kai for you.
"Late?", I questioned jokingly."we still have ten minutes to get to,ah,Maria and Jason Darron's birthday."
Kai blushed.
"Their names are Mariah and Jacob Day and you know it.Besides, we only have 5 minutes.I brought my watch."
Poor time concerned Kai.
We made it to the party on time.Duh.
It was fun despite the fact that Jacob and Mariah were only turning 6 years old.
On the way home,I decided to take her somewhere special.The top of the old ferris wheel.
So we climbed up to the top,a good ninety feet high.
"Ummm,Zach," Kai said,her voice a bit shaky,"This is dangerous.I don't feel good."
I rolled my eyes.
"I've done this,about,twenty times,Kai."
"Okay,Zach."she said quietly.
There was silence for a minute or so.
So I broke it.
"Can you see the view,Kai?" I asked."It's beautiful,right?"
And it was.A medow below.And you could see deer in the distance if you looked really closely.
She didn't respond.Odd.Kai was usually a fan of medows.And talking,for that matter.
I looked over.And I saw a horrible sight.
She looked like she was gonna puke.She was turning green.She leaned over the top of the ferris wheel.And puke she did.It looked like mushy birthday cake.Wow.Ninety feet of barf flying through the air.An amazing but gross sight to see.
"Kai?" I asked," Do you need me to take you home?"
She responded by throwing up,all over my pants.Great.Those were brand new pants.
"Sorry,"she whispered,"I don't like heights."And she threw up on me again.Man,why me?Why did I even have a crush on her in the first place?
I reached over to grab her- she was clearly not feeling well,as she had moved away after she barfed on me,embarrased.
And I fell.
I never woke up.
sorry,there will be more fantasy in the next chapter.

For all I know, this is a good story. But the punctuation is so atrocious I can't read it.

EX. OF HOW TO USE COMMAS: "Hey, Jack," said Sarah, her eyes the color of trash after a hurricane. There was something disgusting about the way she smiled at me. Almost as if she, like, wanted to eat the trash in her own eyes. But, ah, I won't get into that.

Understand? Please fix it.

I'm soo sorry.
This is my first time writing a story.
I'll try to fix it.
Thanks.

Hey, Cult Follower of Stephanie Meyer!

I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^

Wow. You really need to re-educate yourself about commas.

After a comma add a space.

You also misplace commas many times. I good way to know where to place commas is to first read the sentence out loud. Where do you naturally pause?

You also need a space after a period.

Fix these errors and I will definitely do a line-by-line.

Also:

Description and Showing Not Telling

There is hardly any description in this piece. All you do is tell me character's actions -- instead, try showing me with description.

Here is an example from your story.

She looked like she was gonna puke.And puke she did.

Imagine I've never seen a person vomit. I don't know what it looks like or how the sick person looks like. Describe it to me. What you've done is these two sentences is told me what's happening -- but with little atmosphere.

This is how to show me what's happening by using description:

"Zach?" squeaked Kai from next to me.
I turned to face her. She was shaking all over. Her face had turned a tell-tale greenish-grey color that made it clear she needed a trashcan -- fast.
She held her stomach and groaned feebly, "I don't really like hei-" She was cut off by a sudden convulsion in her body, and she vomited onto the grass.
I rushed over to her. "Kai! Let's get you home," Putting my hands under her armpits, I began to haul her off the ground.
She looked up at me. Ew, I thought. Her face was covered in her lunch. She spat out leftover vomit.. etc."

Which one is more interesting to you? ^_^

PM me if you have any questions!

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~

I see.
I get your point.
Will try to edit again.
Thanks for the rewiew.

Umm hey, you need to really work on the comma issue like the ones before me. Try to use more descriptive words, phrases and sentences. You gave the actions but you didn't paint the picture for me. You have to base down but you need to add color. If you do that your on the right track. PM me if you have any questions ok.

I know,
Like I said this is a rough draft.
Also.this is an OLD rough draft.
My newer draft is an a pink binder.
Maybe I should post the contents in that....
Anywho,thanks for the review.