Abortion

This is my first poem: i wrote it about
2 minutes ago and I thought I should
post it...We talked about Abortion
during PSD today and it got me
thinking. enjoy...and when u finish
think: have a little empathy for the
victim:The Helpless Unborn Baby


Abortion

My blood has started flowing,
my hands are moving, sharp.
I hear Her rhythmic breathing,
The thumping of Her heart.

The hole is dark and scary,
in fright, I kick and shudder,
But then I hear the music,
The voice of darling Mother.

This morn’ I felt us walking,
In unity we smelt th’strange,
I sense that she is terrified,
To tell th’truth, I feel the same.

She talks and I feel better,
But I smell the scent, alive!
It sends these eerie messages,
They tell me “Run, go hide!”

I feel her move and lie down,
“It must be nap-time,” I think.
Then why are her hands shaking?
Why does warmth diminish, shrink?

We yelp as a needle is injected,
I wonder what is taking place
There is a sense of foreboding,
But she’ll protect me: I’m safe.

I feel the pain, I suffer.
I want to scream and shout,
I want to stop them hurting us,
For my Mother cries out loud.

They’ve put a metal object,
Up the entrance of my hole.
They pull, we scream, they hurt us.
Why doesn’t it stop, I feel alone!

Now long sharp pincers come,
They’ve pierced my dark, dank cave.
And now it finally dawns to me:
To mum I’m but a slave.

Why else would she let them do this?
This cruelty, beyond compare?
I know that she can make it stop.
I know that she must care.

The pincers are still searching,
“Please stop, do stop!” I beg
They pull, I scream, they hurt me.
They catch hold of my leg.

Why did you let the murderers do it?
Why did you kill your child?
How could you sit while they tore it to shreds?
Why so horrendous, cruel and wild?

MilaScribbler

oh my gosh! That made me cry!
This is probably the best poem I have read about abortion so far!
I wish more girls (and guys) would write more poetry like this, this is the real stuff that we need to hear!

Now on with the real review:
There is really nothing I want you to change, it was all so wonderful!
Though in stanza seven, line four, I think you need to take "loud" out. It just ruins the rhyming.

Good job!

Keep writing!

Aww... So sad. I've always been pro-life, so this really made me cry. This is so beautifully written. There's so much raw emotion, and you really feel like you're the poor little child.
I got a little confused with the "th'". Try the whole word: the. In my mind, it has the same amount of syllables.
I'm also not sure if morn should have the apostrophe at the end or not.
In the eighth stanza, the last line, that comma should be a question mark. I'm not really fond of that line anyway, so you could rewrite it completely.
Overall, it was absolutely wonderful. Gold star for you!

Hmm... *ponders* It wasn't a bad poem, it was really good actually. However, I'm pro-choice, so, you know. I mean, I get your point, and I feel bad for the fetus (technically not a baby). But if you have something growing inside of you, and you don't want it there, I mean, shouldn't you have the right to get rid of it? Few little things I noticed though:

in fright, I kick and shudder,

Just a silly little typo, in should be capitalized.

This morn’ I felt us walking,
In unity we smelt th’strange,
I sense that she is terrified,
To tell th’truth, I feel the same.

Um, not quite sure why you abbreviated the, I didn't really see the point of it. I don't think it would mess up the rhythm or anything.

Anyway, good job!

Hello! First I'd like to let you know I removed your name from the end of the poem. I wasn't certain that was your actual name, but of well. If it was: Do not post your real name online, EVER! You can easily be found, and that would be bad.

A small note on poetry: It's my personal belief that poetry should take time, as all writing. Writing something in two minutes, then posting it, isn't that nice for your reviewers. We take more than two minutes just to write this review, so next time why don't you spend a bit more time going over your poem before you decide to post it.

I agree with the person above about this:
This morn’ I felt us walking,
In unity we smelt th’strange,
I sense that she is terrified,
To tell th’truth, I feel the same.

Saying "th'strange" feels weird or nearly impossible, and since later in the poem you disregard rhythm all together, I'm not sure you should worry about it up here either. Another thing about this part: be more vivid! You explain that she is terrified, but that's just an adjective. Can you show us?

Some of your lines sound odd/forced or unnatural, which ruins the flow of the poem.

The second line in this stanza, for example:

We yelp as a needle is injected,
I wonder what is taking place
There is a sense of foreboding,
But she’ll protect me: I’m safe.

It just seems strange, and I feel like it is taking too many words to say something we don't even need to know. "I wonder, what is taking place?" Remember that everyone word, every line, every stanza needs to be important so choose wisely what you write. The next line, a sense of foreboding, does nothing to raise the actual emotions of the piece. Why not continue with the needle and use imagery to bring fear to the reader, instead of telling us that we should be afraid?

Though I'm not completely pro-life (I believe there are certain situations where abortion is reasonable, and in fact, completely necessary) I like this poem because it is important for young girls to know that abortion isn't a form of birth control (imho). It was awkward for me to read, I have to admit, because all the time I'm thinking, "This is coming from an embryo, how can it do any of this..." You might say it's living, but when you're swimming around in amniotic liquid (I believe?) You can't really scream or say anything. I know it's personification or... something like that, but it still seemed strange to me.

You do a lot of telling rather than showing with imagery and descriptions, which makes the poem a little dry at times. I think if you gave it a few more looks over and tried to bring more life into it, it would be better. It certainly gets across your point, I'll say that, but it could be better in certain places. Don't let the rhyme scheme control you, but at the same time, if you're going to rhyme, do it in all the stanzas, not just where it works. Poetry is hard - you have to work to make it beautiful! Try to avoid adjectives - the last line of the poem is a real killer. (Why so horrendous, cruel and wild?) Show how it is all these things, rather than say it is. Your reader doesn't need to be held by the hand! We can interpret.


Best of luck!

Wow, this is good. It's really touching. I know I could never take an abortion myself, but I cannot judge those who do. It's a personal thing. Still, I'm pro life as well. It would be better to birth the child and then if you don't want it, give it up for adoption. There are so many people who wants a child, and doesn't have the opportunity to make one their own.
Wow, i didn't mean to start debating:P sorry...

But back to the poem. If you really just slashed this together in two minutes, you are extremely talented! Sure you could polish it somewhere, and add better words. But it's awesome. I can see it on commercials and fliers for pro-life organisations or something. It would also fit well on an english test or something. Debating on basis of the poem. I think that could lead to many interesting opinions...

All in all. Very well done!:D:D

This was honestly the first poem I’ve read that made me truly think about my political/personal views in such a way as your's did. I think that you did a great job and you are extremely talented to put that together if a few minutes! There could be better words and perhaps more description used in some places but in all I think it was pretty good, keep writing!

Wow. You're an incredibly powerful poet. I wish I was this good. It's awfully nice that you're writing about something the world needs to consider instead of some cliche hackneyed love poem. This was a very good poem and I think everyone should read it.

This was a very powerful piece. I was very touched by the way you expressed abortion through the child's eyes. I am very pro-life and I really loved this poem. Epic.

[/quote]
My blood has started flowing,
my hands are moving, sharp.
I hear Her rhythmic breathing,
The thumping of Her heart.

The hole is dark and scary,
in fright, I kick and shudder,
But then I hear the music,
The voice of darling Mother. I like your rhyme here, it sets the tone.

This morn’ I felt us walking,
In unity we smelt th’strange,
I sense that she is terrified,
To tell th’truth, I feel the same.
Hmm, I don't know if the words with apostrophes are really working for you. It sort of reminds me of southern novels where the characters have southern accents. Also, I don't even know what "smelt th'strange" means. Maybe use real words and see how that works.

She talks and I feel better,
But I smell the scent, alive!
It sends these eerie messages,
They tell me “Run, go hide!”

I feel her move and lie down,
“It must be nap-time,” I think.
Then why are her hands shaking?
Why does warmth diminish, shrink? I like the last line.

We yelp as a needle is injected, I'm not really liking the word "yelp" it makes me think of puppies.
I wonder what is taking place
There is a sense of foreboding,
But she’ll protect me: I’m safe.

I feel the pain, I suffer.
I want to scream and shout,
I want to stop them hurting us,
For my Mother cries out loud.

They’ve put a metal object, Try "foreign" instead of "metal."
Up the entrance of my hole.
They pull, we scream, they hurt us.
Why doesn’t it stop, I feel alone!

Now long sharp pincers come,
They’ve pierced my dark, dank cave. I don't really like this description of the womb, dark and dank make it seem like such a bad place to be, but the womb is supposed to be life giving and beautiful. It's your choice what to say here, but I'm just voicing my opinion.
And now it finally dawns to me:
To mum I’m but a slave.

Why else would she let them do this?
This cruelty, beyond compare?
I know that she can make it stop.
I know that she must care.

The pincers are still searching,
“Please stop, do stop!” I beg
They pull, I scream, they hurt me.
They catch hold of my leg. Leg and beg don't rhyme very well.

Why did you let the murderers do it?
Why did you kill your child?
How could you sit while they tore it to shreds?
Why so horrendous, cruel and wild?
[/quote]

Overall, I loved this poem. It was wonderful. And with a little tweaking it can be even better.
*Gold star*

Keep writing!
Love always,
-jade.

Wow. Great job. It is both deep and dealing with a serious issue. Plus, it can teach you about abortion(rather you want to or not.)

heeey millie...

AWESEOMEE job hun I loved it ALL except for when you shorten 'th' doesnt make sense because you arent cutting out a sylable at all.. sry xD
We been talking about this in P.S.D for quite awhile yee...!
Sad ay? Well you managed to bring out all it's bad points perfectly!!

GREAAT JOB, keep on writing

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really don't know what else to say. I commend you for speaking up and presenting your controversial work to the eyes of those who may not agree with you. That takes guts.

As everyone has stated, the "th'"s are reallly unfitting.

As Suzanne pointed out, working on a poem for more than two minutes is almost common curtouesy. Take a little more time on it, review and edit, keep everyone's suggestions in mind. This could be a very good poem. As for my own suggestions, they were all pretty much summed up when I read everyone elses reviews.

I agree with you 100%, abortion is murder and should never be put into practice.
I also think other people need to be respected and educated on the subject, never put down or shown contempt because of previous choices. So far as I know, most every woman who makes this choice regrets it for the rest of her life. So people who have previously made this choice should be sympathized with, NOT looked down upon.

Work on the poem, keep strong in your beliefs.

-Clue.

MilaScribbler wrote:This is my first poem: i wrote it about
2 minutes ago and I thought I should
post it...We talked about Abortion
during PSD today and it got me
thinking. enjoy...and when u finish
think: have a little empathy for the
victim:The Helpless Unborn Baby


Abortion

My blood has started flowing,
my hands are moving, sharp.
I hear Her rhythmic breathing,
The thumping of Her heart.

The hole is dark and scary,
in fright, I kick and shudder,
But then I hear the music,
The voice of darling Mother.

This morn’ I felt us walking,
In unity we smelt th’strange,
I sense that she is terrified,
To tell th’truth, I feel the same.

She talks and I feel better,
But I smell the scent, alive!
It sends these eerie messages,
They tell me “Run, go hide!”

I feel her move and lie down,
“It must be nap-time,” I think.
Then why are her hands shaking?
Why does warmth diminish, shrink?

We yelp as a needle is injected,
I wonder what is taking place
There is a sense of foreboding,
But she’ll protect me: I’m safe.

I feel the pain, I suffer.
I want to scream and shout,
I want to stop them hurting us,
For my Mother cries out loud.

They’ve put a metal object,
Up the entrance of my hole.
They pull, we scream, they hurt us.
Why doesn’t it stop, I feel alone!

Now long sharp pincers come,
They’ve pierced my dark, dank cave.
And now it finally dawns to me:
To mum I’m but a slave.

Why else would she let them do this?
This cruelty, beyond compare?
I know that she can make it stop.
I know that she must care.

The pincers are still searching,
“Please stop, do stop!” I beg
They pull, I scream, they hurt me.
They catch hold of my leg.

Why did you let the murderers do it?
Why did you kill your child?
How could you sit while they tore it to shreds?
Why so horrendous, cruel and wild?

MilaScribbler

:O Speechless. My blood is pulsing and my heart is beating fast. It is one of those poems that bring you to tears. I need to breathe. I need air now. I need to read this to my friend. She's having a lot of trouble with love and HS. This, really, makes you think.

Thank you for this.

~Shina.

A wonderful piece of poetry. I can't quite believe that this is your first poem! I love the stretching structure of this poem and the rhyme scheme is brilliant. It's a brave and honest write, so keep posting your work!

I have one reservation though:

'She talks and I feel better,

But I smell the scent, alive!'

I just think the second line falls out of harmony with the first one. Perhaps if you split them into two separate sentences.

'She talks and I feel better.

I smell the scent of life!'

This would make it more dramatic and ironic, which would emphasise the cruelty of abortion. What do you think?