Prototype World

Prototype World

The skies are a dark, gloomy shade of grey,
Escorted by sorrowful winds that seem to blow ceaselessly.
The laments of mankind that it carries
Are drifting across this misty, unsteady wilderness.
Under the rain, I am drenched in lost innocence,
White tears flowing like a tiny stream along the silver ground.
And under the light that shines slightly from the squall,
They reflect those past memories and dreams,
My broken ideals.

With just one look at the little ray of sun amongst the storm,
With just a touch of warmth…
Will it be enough to ignite the fading flame inside me?

The distant cry that echoes into space
Grieves for a perfect protoype of the world.
Connected and framed by wires made of hope,
I fly, seeking to break the frontier of yesteryears,
To finally turn my dreams to reality.
Perhaps one day, the universe will open its eyes,
And when it does, the future will shine.

Hi LilPau!

I'm June, and I'm going to run o'er this for you .



I really like your opening line. The opening line of every piece has the most effect on me, and if I don't like it, I may not like the rest of the piece-- even if it's good. By using a grey-ish line to open, you really set the tone for this piece.

This is very abstract! It's based on just ideological sort of things, and it feels like the audience can't find what to base this upon-- but that doesn't matter. This isn't the type of piece that you need to put base to this.

I'm not so wild about raising a question when you're speaking in informative language before-- is there someway you can reword it to sustain the same meaning? Is the questioning taking away or adding?


Your last stanza is my favorite. The play on words, the imagery, the longing behind the words-- it just speaks so much. It's wonderful. You did an amazing job with this. Keep it up; I would totally love to read more of your poetry.


10/10

June

Also! There isn't really anything I would change in this; it's fabulous!

Hallo! ^_^ I'm Hannah! I'm no expert on constructing poetry, but I like reading it, so I'm going to give you the opinion of a reader. xDDD Hehehe~

First of all, I liked this poem from the first reading. It has an old-world kind of feel, though it's still related to modern problems. It seems kind of 'epic'! ^_^ I also think a lot of people can identify with the message because we all have problems, no matter what. C:

Are drifting across this grey, unsteady wilderness.

Under the rain, I am drenched in lost innocence,

Here, though I'd suggest finding some kind of substitute for 'grey' since you already used that earlier in the stanza. Perhaps 'ashen' or something like that? The way you found 'silver' for later in the stanza. ^_^

Also, the second part of this passage is my favorite line in the whole poem 'drenched in lost innocence'. So beautiful -- fantastic! ^_^

With just a touch of warmth…

Will it be enough to ignite the fading flame inside me?

I get what June is saying about the question here, interrupting the rest of the narration. Also, the reference to you personally rather than humanity as a whole seems to break the flow too. Perhaps you might change this to make it an unknown character or many people in humanity who question if it would be enough to 'ignite the fading flame inside' of /them/. ^_^ Consider it.

This is lovely, though! Thank you!

-Hannah-

Hiya! 'Tis Rosey, and I will review this wonderful poem.

White tears flowing like a tiny stream along the silver ground.

This line is the only one that I can't imagine. I have a hard time seeing tears as white. and the way this is worded it sounds like her flesh is silver?

You've done the blank verse really well here. Even without the rhyme you've managed to put a nice flow together.

I love the symbols and allusions you've used here; they really tie the idea together.

The one idea that was a little confusing was the perfect prototype of this world. Mostly it's the transition from the dark storm to the vision of the perfect world. I think the transition could be expanded.

I loved the end lines. A really good way to tie it all together.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey