Back and Forth- Prologue

The Prologue
The sound of war was everywhere. It didn't matter where he looked; comrades and enemies alike were dying. Gunshots sounded through the air. Most ended with a dull thud as they hit their targets. One stray bullet went whistling past his right ear, missing him and hitting a member of his own squad. He pitied the soldier; he had just won a one-on-one battle with one of the enemy. But there wasn't time to mourn his death. Even though his aching limbs screamed in agony, begging for even just a five minute rest, he moved on. For if he stopped for even one second, there was a chance that he might be ambushed by his foes. Just then, some one was calling out to him. It was his son: Michael. It was plain as day that he was dying. All sense of precaution left his mind as #he saw the blood that trickled out of the corner of his mouth, and the seemingly deep gash in his stomach, which was seeping out blood. He had to sit down, had to at least attempt to save his only son's life. His Michael's life. But just as he knelt down at his son's side, Michael's eyes widened with terror, fluttered, and closed with his last painful breath of life. He was just about to cry out from the pain that his son's death brought about, when all went black in King Darceel's world.

This was very short for a prologue and it was very fast! People say that a prologue should hook the reader and I think you sort of did that but I was disappointed there wasn't more. I was getting into it and then it ended and I was like...oh oki....lol

There were a few awkward sentences that took me out of the story -

Gunshots sounded through the air - This just doesn't sound quite right to me. Perhaps you were trying to give it some action as bullets are flying everywhere but I just think a simpler - Gunshots sounded in the air. Would be better.

he had just won a one-on-one battle with one of the enemy. - There is just lots of ones here. I don't like it when a word is repeated a few times in a short space. That is why I get frustrated with my writing sometimes because I can't find another word! lol try using a thesaurus to replace one of those ones.

begging for even just a five minute rest - I think it would be better if you wrote something like - begging for even a moments rest - five minutes is quite a long time and also I think it stops part of the mystery of this prologue.

It was plain as day that he was dying. - I like to try and stay away from stock phrases when I'm writing. I think it just kind of cheapens the story. Perhaps you could tie it into the sentence after that and say something about how it was obvious he was dying because of the amount of blood or something.

All sense of precaution left his mind as #he saw the blood that trickled out of the corner of his mouth, and the seemingly deep gash in his stomach, which was seeping out blood. - I don't like the repetition of the idea of blood seeping or trickling. Perhaps as I said before you could tie it all together with an overall sentence. Like the first time the King looks at his son and sees all the blood. I just don't like the repetition here.

He had to sit down - Sit down? It doesn't sound very urgent seen as his son is dying, perhaps you could replace this with something else that makes it seem more urgent.

Overall I liked this though. The end of the prologue definitely made you want to know more about the King, what will happen to him and what the battle was all about.

Keep writing I want to know what happens and PM me if you need any help

Thank you for the review. I'm glad that I did a decent job of hooking you. You won't hear from the King directly for a while I don't think. You will hear about him and the war. I will take your suggestions into consideration. I appreciate your comments. I don't have an editor or anything. Just me.
~Elle

Oh this was pretty cool. It hooked me in right away. I was disappointed in how short it was. I was getting into it. Darceel. I like that name. It sounds so cool. Anyways, this sentence here:

He pitied the soldier; he had just won a one-on-one battle with one of the enemy.

It seemed kinda weird. It really stood out. Well, this was a pretty interesting beginning and I can't wait to read more. Do PM if you decide to post more.

Hi there Elle Jay! June here . I figured I should review something of yours .

Here we go!

For if he stopped for even one second, there was a chance that he might be ambushed by his foes.

The usage of For. Kill it.

Many people use that in like, "older" works, and when a certain tone is set in a story, sometimes it just doesn't work. It's like using thy in this piece instead of "the".

It was his son: Michael. It was plain as day that he was dying. All sense of precaution left his mind as #he saw the blood that trickled out of the corner of his mouth, and the seemingly deep gash in his stomach, which was seeping out blood.

Okay!

• First underlined part, should be: It was his son, Micheal.

• Kill the little number sign (#) . It's not doing anything. Also! Clarify this! It sounds like it's obvious that the main character was dying!

• The repetition of blood sounds a bit redundant .

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Very well done, Elle! You caught my attention with this right away; it's definitely a great prologue.

(and, I was only disappointed when it ended )

I think that you can go very far with this! Some parts did seem a bit repetitive, but it was good.

Just work on your pace! A few parts seemed to be a bit too quick. Just brush over it once or twice, and you'll be great.

I can't wait for the story to begin!

June

I don't want to give too much away, but Michael isn't part of the story. He dies. We don't learn a whole lot about him yet. You will learn a lot about Darceel. This part is to focus on Darceel and his pain. Thank you for your reviews everyone!
~Elle