Positive (3) edited slightly different.

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1422
Reviews 115
Okay so this is the third part of my story, or I guess it would be probably the start of Chapter Two if it were in book form. So I think I'm going to start organizing it like: Chapter Two Part One, so just think of it that way. I strongly suggest reading at least the second part. If you really don't feel like it, this is about a girl with HIV who must resist getting back with her ex-boyfriend (he's bad for her) who gave the disease to her. The second part ended with her best friend punching her ex-boyfriend for something he said. Comment please because I'd like to improve... Read on...
`````````````````````````````````````````````````

My feet were barely touching the ground as Chase dragged me out of the cafe. “Chase what the hell was that?” I screamed as he pulled me to a stop.

He let go of my hand and it dropped to my side. “Jeez Car, I’m really sorry for defending you,” he said loudly.

"I don't need you to defend me!" I screamed as a tear fell down my cheek.

He looked at me wide-eyed, and then pulled me into a hug. His chin rested on the top of my head, "I'm sorry," he said.

He grabbed my hand and led me to his car and dropped me off at my house. "See you at school tomorrow," he said.

Butterflies formed in my stomach as I thought about school. Word had probably spread about my HIV and I wasn't looking forward to dealing with the drama. "Yeah," was all I managed to say. I closed the car door, Chase smiled and drove off, leaving me alone.

I walked into my house and looked around, my mom was nowhere to be found. I trudged upstairs into my yellow bedroom. I dumped my bag on my bed and dug through it until I found what I was looking for.

I unfolded the piece of paper and flopped onto my white bed. The doctor had given me this form on what my symptoms might be. In the early phase I could have anything from a fever to a rash. My eyes filled with tears as I read what could become of me in ten years, I could have soaking chills or a fever for weeks, or I could lose weight rapidly.

I folded the paper back up and shoved it into my dresser drawer. I was starting to feel tired and it was getting late. I laid on my bed and waited for my mom to get home, by the time I fell asleep she still hadn't arrived home.

*
I was jolted awake by the loud sound of my alarm going off. I slowly pulled myself out of bed and into the shower. I did my hair and make-up quickly and ran to my closet. I wasn't about to put on my usual hooded sweatshirt and jeans. I decided on a 'Abercrombie' white sweater and skinny jeans. I slipped on some black ballet flats and ran down the stairs.

Chase usually picked me up for school so I made myself a bowl of cereal and ate it at the breakfast bar waiting for him to come.

I heard footsteps overhead and my stomach got butterflies. My mom strutted in the kitchen and smiled.

"Good morning," she said sweetly.

"Uh, good morning," I replied.

"I'm glad you're home," she smiled showing her dimples.

"Yeah, I'm glad I'm home too," I desperately wanted Chase to arrive I couldn't take anymore of this awkward conversation.

I turned my head and looked outside, luckily Chase was waiting in the driveway. I jumped out of my chair and ran out the door, completely forgetting to say goodbye to my mom.

I jumped into the car and Chase smiled, "You ready?" He asked.

"As I'll ever be," I said softly.

When we arrived at school, I emerged from the car slowly. I walked up the front steps with Chase by my side, I could feel the stares. I squared my shoulders and walked to my locker.

Once I had gotten all my books I tried to stick to my normal routine and wait for Chase to walk to first hour.

Chase walked up to me and leaned casually on one of the dirty yellow lockers next to mine. "He-," he was cut off my Randy approaching him.

"Well, well, well," Randy said. "Look who we've got here."

Chase swallowed hard and turned to face Randy, I could feel his fear even though he tried to act tough. "What do you want?" He asked harshly.

Randy didn't answer, instead he flung Chase into one of the lockers and held him there.

I dropped my books at the sound of Chase's body hitting the lockers. A crowd had formed and they were all watching in awe.

"You thought you could get away with it," Randy hissed, his dark eyes turned harsh. "Well, you thought wrong," he let go of Chase. "I don't care if you're quarterback on the football team and everybody loves you and how you're going to be Homecoming King and all that crap, you shouldn't have crossed me kid."

Chase followed that up with by socking Randy in the stomach. Randy doubled over in pain as the principal came running in. He grabbed Chase's arm and then Randy's. "Aarons, Reynolds, my office now," He spat. He dragged them off through the crowds.

I bent over and picked up my books carefully one by one. This was going to be a long day.
Last edited by mhmmcolleenx0 on Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3225
Reviews 365
Back for Chapter Three, mhmmcolleenx0!

“Chase what the hell was that?”


Comma after Chase.

Randy walking out the door his lip was bleeding and his eyes were fierce.


Everything after "door" is a new sentence.

“Good luck,” I whispered to Chase, I immediately regretted my words, a best friend wouldn’t say that.


Remove the first comma and make "I immediately..." a new sentence.
Why wouldn't a best friend wish her friend luck?

brown hair was in his eyes, his eyes were fierce.


Simplify this by saying "his brown hair was in his fierce eyes."
I would change the adjective "fierce" to something else because you already used "fierce" to describe Randy's eyes.


Chase's dad hit him occasioanlly, and I was sure being hit by another person wouldn't help him in any way


Please take this out. It is so cliche. Why must every character be abused? Why can't Chase have loving parents? JYou don't need this as an excuse as to why he's scared -- he should be scared of a fight anyway!


“Randy come on,” I pleaded from the sidelines, a group of kids from school that just so happened to be at Starbucks had formed a circle around them.


Replace the second comma with a semi-colon.
They "just happened" to be at Starbucks? That's convenient. Perhaps the fight she take place at school instead?

Most of your errors I notice from here on our are all the same, so there are to many to do a line by line.

Errors:

Before someone's name, put a comma.

Incorrect (this is how you write it):

"Hey Chase,"

Correct:

"Hey, Chase,"

Understand?

Also:

Don't capitalize the pronoun after the dialogue. I went over this in my review of Chapter 2.

Realisticness

This is the one other thing I'm going to bug you about. ^_^

So they have a fight in Starbucks and the Starbucks parkinglot? Where are the adults attempting to intervene? The passerby?

I think it would be more realistic if the fight happened at school.

PM me if you have any questions.

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1422
Reviews 115
Thanks for the review I'll fix some things and try to make it more realistic. Thanks for the help :)
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
Hey there! I wanted to let you know I modified your post to remove so many ````` marks. If you make your page break too long, it stretches out the home page of YWS and looks funny, so maybe you should stick to no more than 20, or something. :D Have a nice day!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1090
Reviews 30
whew! I have no idea why I like this story so much but I am a big fan! keep me updated! and again, amazing writing!




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1090
Reviews 30
OOOH I like this time line better! Originally you had it at Starbucks, having it at school allows for more interaction with character upon character and it stretches out our suspense along with Carlie’s! And you did a good job changing it too! I do have some little stuff to critique. It came across to me as if you were writing to get to the big scene instead of writing to relay a story. The conversation with her mother was stretched and thin, and her getting ready in the morning seemed to be fill-in for her to get to school, if you want to skip to the scene, than just skip to the scene, but if you can write about her apprehension in the morning and the awkwardness of her mother; do it!!! =D you have a great foundation here just flesh it out. Now, I could rave about how wonderful it is and how I loved her reading the piece of paper that tells her what she’ll become, and I love how you are developing the characters, and I could rave about how much of a huge fan I am, and how much I want you to keep me posted, but I think you know that I am thinking these things, so I wont take up space to write all that down. =P



There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.
— Arthur C. Clarke