[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/viewtopic.php on line 797: Trying to access array offset on false
Elven Kiss • Young Writers Society

Elven Kiss

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6040
Reviews 87
The darkness was a shadow that consumed the whole body, from head to toe. Like a siren it called her deeper and deeper into the ocean of her dreams. Suddenly from the darkness a light shown down, she floated up and up away from the lulling blackness. It tried to capture her again, consume her, and keep her there. The light beckoned her to come growing brighter and brighter to closer she got. She broke threw the shadows and opened her eyes. The sun blazed on her face from the open windows. Her maid, Alphina, stood still holding the tassels that were attached to the curtain. A smug grin still on her mouth she let them go and walked out of the room. With a groan she closed her eyes, pulled the blanket over her head to hide from the intruding light, rolled over, and fell out of bed. The heavy thud the floor welcomed her, which was not her intended spot. She looked at the bed longingly, decided against it. It would only give her maid another reason to get her out of it again. Last week it was a cold bucket of water to the face. She shivered.
She got up off the floor and went to find her other maid, the one that didn’t play pranks on her. She meandered down the corridors, looking as she always did at the art work on the wall. Of her ancestors, young old, fat, skinny, cranky, happy, all were on the wall and all were held dear to her. She came back from the abyss or memory, and realized that she was in the west wing, he fathers wing. She suddenly remembered that her father said he had a surprise for her. She took off down the hallway and around the corner sliding around in her stockings and slammed full speed into her father. They toppled over in a sea of limbs. Finally her father collapsed laughing and tousled her hair.
“Why are you in such a hurry this fine morning my dear?” He stood up and handed her his arm so he could help her up.
“You said you had a surprise for me today,” she laughed and stood up, “I came right over when I remembered.” She laughed again at the look her father gave her. “Yes father I almost forgot that you had something for me.” She put on a mock serious face,” Now cough it up, I want my surprise.” He pinched her cheek, just like when she was a little girl.
“Alright, but… you have to promise to go to your studies today, and not skip them to go riding. Do you understand young lady?” She thought about her horses that she loved so dearly, then just as he new she would, she agreed.
“OK, but I get to choose if I want the surprise enough to go to classes today.” She new he couldn’t refuse it, he never has, and she hoped he never would. He smiled at her.
“Done, I agree to you terms.” A cough came from behind them; she spun around to face the stranger that she hadn't noticed before. The very handsome stranger with his amazing ice blue eyes trained on her, twinkling with amusement. The corner of his lips twitched, betraying the laugh that was surly wanting to escape, his face was serious, but at the same time contained the mirth that had come as she barreled into her father only moments before. His black hair was disheveled, as if he had only just come from riding. Just as she has done many time before. She unwillingly tore her eyes from the stranger and looked at her father, then back at the stranger. She opened her mouth to voice her opinion of the him and her father saw what she was going to do and beat her to it.
"Darling, this is Corin of Parriah." He emphasized the last word, hoping she would catch on; she did. Her head snapped back to her father, her fire-red hair flying.
“No way. No possible way. They disappeared after the Great War. Their supposed to be gone though!” Her disbelief turned to one of astonishment. “Aren’t they father? I know mama…stories…no way.” the sentence that had formed in her head came out in a jumbbled, incoherent sentence. Once again she slowly turned to the stranger who stood straight and tall, taller than her and her father. She took a step toward him. Taking a deep breath she stared into his eyes. No longer were they the ice caped eyes of a man, but a deep scarcely light cavern of the soul. She followed the lead. No one could lie with their soul. Not even the great liers of the court could hide there lies when I looked into their eyes. That is one of the reasons why my father let me come to court with him. There was something else though, something he and her father were keeping from her. She grabbed hold of the small silver thread that led deeper. Suddenly a prohibiting wall came up and barred her from what lay beyond. She blinked and stepped away from the man. A quizzical look came into her eyes.
“He’s telling the truth.” She exclaimed softly. He father exhaled, and she new that he had hoped that he was not being lied to. She realized that she had been staring at the man openly, and looked away abashed.
“I have been rude, I apologize. Let me introduces myself. I am…” Finally speaking up the man interrupted her.
“I know who you are, Princess Catherine Luzerne Isabella Tarsenson. You are daughter of Her Highness Elizabeth Fenouil l Geneveve Tarsenson and His Highness Jakop Thomas Tarsenson, and if I may say so myself, the rumors of your beauty did them little credit.” Cat blushed at the compliment.
Last edited by Starleene on Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:47 pm, edited 25 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1203
Reviews 228
Hiya and welcome to YWS!! I'm Cat and I'll be reviewing this, which I have to say, was really good! I enjoyed reading this very much. Here are a few nitpicks.

Like a siren,[/b] it called her deeper and deeper into the ocean of her dreams.


You forgot to put a comma after siren. :wink:

With a smug grin still on her mouth she let them go and walked out of the room. With a groan she closed her eyes, pulled the blanket over her head to hide from the intruding light, rolled over, and fell out of bed. With a heavy thud she landed on the floor, not her intended spot.


With a, with a, with a, with a.....you seem to use that a lot. Try not using it as much.

Maybe the back of her dress would be messes up or her bodice would be loose.


I believe messes up is supposed to be messed up.


She came back to her sences and realized that she was in the west wing, her fathers wing.

You mis-spelled a word. Sences is suppposed to be senses. You also had a typo.

“Alright, but… you have to promise to go to your studies today, and not skip them to go riding. Do you understand young lady?


I believe that was a question without a question mark.

She knew he couldn’t refuse it, he never has, and she hoped he never will.


Another typo. :wink: It's okay. Everyone does it.

His lips curved about to betray the laugh that wanted to escape, his face was seriouse, but at the same time contained the mirth that had come as she barreled into her father only moments before.

Mis-spelling. Seriouse is supposed to be serious.


I really did like this, I'm just in a nitpicking mood today. One thing that bothered me was that we never found out what the girl's name was. It was just she, she, she....

Also, here is a tip to get rid of those typos. Look over your post at least twice to check for those typos. It helps! :D

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 51
Sentance Structure:
I think that you could rearrange your sentance structure. Alot of the sentances began with she did this and she did that. It would make much more interesting reading if you varied it up a bit. Also do not start your sentances with And, your not supposed to do that when you write. To vary your sentance structure just rearrange your sentances, but I think that I did mention that before.

Imagery:
You have some beautiful imagery in this piece. I like the way you used metaphors to. I could see everything that was happening in most places. Although there were a few places that I felt that you were sticking too many adjectives into. Such as when you are describing the man. That was a bit of an info dump telling us what he was wearing, so try not to do that too much.

Grammar and Punctuation:
Okay, so I saw that your dialogue is off. So here are a few rules to go by. I'll do a few example from your text to show you and you can get all of the rest.


“Fine, but you have to promise if I don’t like it then I can do what I want.” She knew he couldn’t refuse it, he never has, and she hoped he never will. He smiled at her.


This should be: "Fine, but you have to promise me that if I don't like it then I can do what I want."
She knew....
[seperate the dialogue from the other sentances.]
I saw that you had quite a few typos also and that you need to fix those up.

Overall:
Very nice, I did notice that in some places it looked as if you changed tenses, you need to stick to just one. The idea has potentail, it just needs some editing. Well, good luck, keep writing and remember that practice makes perfect.

~Alyss
Amor Vincit Omnia




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7829
Reviews 239
This was pretty interesting. I really liked it. Except, what is the girls' name? Well I spotted a few little mistakes. Here they are.

She broke threw the shadows and opened her eyes


I believe it is supposed to be through the shadows. If it makes you feel any better I do that all the time.

a cough came from behind them, she spun around to face the stranger that she hadn't noticed before


The 'a' should be capitalized. Also, perhaps you should put an 'and' between them and she. If any of that makes sense.

He wore a light brown shirt, that came down to about his thighs with no sleeves and was ties around his middle with a golden string that shimmered with sunlight that swam threw the windows.


It should be tied instead of ties. And perhaps you should reword that sentence. Example:

He wore a light brown, sleeveless tunic which was tied around the waist with a golden string. A golden string that shimmered like the sunlight that streamed through the windows.

I don't know if it helps a little or if it even sounds good. But other than those three, it was pretty good. Please PM me if you post more.
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 803
Reviews 107
Alright, so it seems like the other reviewers dealt with all of the nitpicks I had for this story. So, I guess I'll deal with the conceptual stuff... :P
~Development of characters - I know it's a short and not a real story. But, I would have liked it if you developed the MC's character a bit more. She switched from a happy care-free girl to a snooty high-born princess a little too abruptly. Tell us a little more about what she is feeling when she is facing this stranger.
~Theme - It's a good idea. It seems a little classic in that a princess meets her perfect prince in her castle, and he wishes to take her away etc. Try to change it around a bit, maybe make her refuse his offer? Play around with it IF you intend on continuing this into a longer story.
~Tone - Nice sense of voice in this piece. Developing her character a little more will make her sound a lot better though...
~Flow - It seemed a little choppy in some place. For example, how does she have access to his memories? How does she ban him? Explain it a lot more if you intend on continuing this story.
~Background - Include a little background about the characters. My advice would be to make this the first chapter. Give a little history about these characters and the setting in the prologue.

Overall this is a good short. PM me if you want to talk about it....Oh, and welcome to YWS!!!!!! :)

fluteluvr77<3
Love is the answer to life yet the slowest form of suicide.
Love is a paradox.
And that's why we love it.

Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5749
Reviews 106
Suddenly from the darkness a light shown down, she floated up and up away from the lulling blackness.


"Shone" down...
- - -
The light beckoned her to come growing brighter and brighter to closer she got.


"The light beconed her to come. Growing bright and bright the closer she got."
- - -
Her maid.Alpina, stood still holding the tassels that were attached to the curtain.


So this was just a minor mistake. It was only a period where there should've been a comma. I know, i'm just picking out random things...
- - -
A loud groan came, she closed her eyes, pulled the blanket over her head to hide from the intruding light, rolled over, and fell out of bed.


There's alot of commas here, but that's okay, I guess. "A loud groan came. She closed her eyes, pulled the blanket over her head to hider herself from the intruding light, rolled over, and fell out of bed."
- - -
A cough came from behind them, she spun around to face the stranger that she hadn't noticed before.


"A cough came from behind them. She spun around to face teh stranger that she hadn't noticed before."
- - -
She drew her self up as the rightful heir, and princess of Harlem.


"She drew herself up as teh rightful heir, and the princess of Harlem."
- - -
She took a step toward him and looked straight into the ice pools.


You just need to specify. I figured you were talking about his eyes, however.
- - -
What she saw there startled her but at the same time spread joy threw her being.


You mean through not threw.
- - -

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS~

It was good. Gramatical errors, no spelling errors I picked up on. Just using the wrong word in the wrong place.

LaReina!
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth."

-- Oscar Wilde



Some people are hourglass shaped, some people are apple shaped, some people are pear shaped, some people are even bean pole shaped, but if we’re not careful we all become banana shaped. This is your gentle posture reminder.
— Ranger