You Didn't Get To Heaven But You Made It Close

This is just a little idea that came to me recently. It's a little rough so I apologize in advance. Reviews would be great too, if you have the time. Any ideas are appreciated too! Hope you enjoy!
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Preface- Found

Guardian angels. They say they have a special connection with a particular person. They are a Protector, a Keeper. It is their duty to protect their soul mate from harm and error, according to most human definitions. They were perfect, God-like beings there to guide and look over us.
But what if they knew the truth? That we were nothing but rebellious misfits, cast from heaven to redeem themselves from past mistakes by helping another soul? Not even a proper 'angel?'
What if you tried for years to find your soul mate, but you could never find them?
I had spent many years alone on this earth. Totally intangible, invisible, untouchable. No word was ever verbalized to you, and everyone looks straight through you like you aren't even there.
You may as well not even exist.
But you do. You have a purpose. You just have to find it.
In my case, I did find my purpose. I found her.
I remember the first day I saw her. I was staring into the flames of the library fire place, watching them dance as they twisted into shapes. My hopes, my dreams, and my desires manifested themselves in the flames. I was miserable. Frozen as a seventeen year old ghost of a boy. I wished I had never taken on the job of a Keeper. I would have rather been sent to Hell than be banished to a world where you were just as good as dead.
All of this burdened my mind, until she walked into the room. My soul mate.
Then, every hope and dream and desire was set alight, and my whole world was on fire. It was a good fire however, it burned all my fears to dust. Because, suddenly I did have meaning.
She had shy, sea blue eyes and her long, soft hair a delicate shade of umber. Those eyes looked so familiar to me I could have sworn I had looked into them every day of my life.
When she released her eyes from the prison of hair that covered her face, she looked at me, and smiled.
Not through me, at me. She could see me.
It felt like a hundred million little strings were pulling on my soul, pulling me closer to her. I got a sudden feeling of head rush as hundreds of facts about her poured into my head. I knew everything about her. Her birthday, her age, her favourite colour, the names of all her family and friends. But yet I wanted to know more about this girl. An angel knows more about his kindred spirit than anyone else, and yet I wanted more.
Peyton Yorke shyly walked towards me, her timid smile causing my mouth to erupt into a massive grin.
I wasn't invisible anymore. I had searched for many years, unyielding for decades. Then, everything changed.
I found her.

I found this quite interesting but I sort of feel like you revealed an awful lot in the prologue. However I don't know how your going to continue this story, so this could just be the tip of the iceberg in your eyes

I thought it was well written but there was one line that I didn't really like - When she released her eyes from the prison of hair that covered her face, she looked at me, and smiled. - It just seemed kind of awkward to me and took me out of the story. - Perhaps you could write something like - A wave of hair was covering her face until she flipped it aside revealing her captivating eyes. She looked at me and smiled. - Or just reorder your sentence so it is more readable.

This prologue reminded me a lot of City of Angels with Meg Ryan and Nicholas Cage. If you haven't seen it, it's all about angels falling in love with humans and stuff.

I like it though and would love to know more about the guardian angel perhaps in the next chapter?

I agree with Becki, you gave away a lot for just a prologue, not to mention a short one. I think the whole idea of angels falling in love is really, really stupid, but that might just be thirteen years of Catholicism speaking. Angels aren't really s'posed to have genders, but whatever floats your boat, dude.

I don't want to nitpick, and the above paragraph basically summed up what I thought of your story at a glance, but... uhm, please don't make the 'guardian angel' perfect. Please? I find it extremely frustrating when people make their inhuman characters (*cough*EdwardCullen*cough*) perfect. It's reeaaalllyy amateur.

Good luck! I hope this improves as it progresses, or else it won't be as awesome as I want it to be. Sorry, I'm not supposed to make sense. =D

-SELA

I loved it.
It seemed interesting.
You have a talent for writing.

This is a really good start!
I'll admit, your tittle drew me in because right now I am doing a piece on guardian angels called Soulless. I really find it interesting to see the other, more different, ideas people can have on the same subject.

I agree with Sela and Becki.
- Characters with a flaw - especially if it's a big flaw - are much more interesting than a pristine "God of perfection"
- The hair part was a little awkward and hard to picture


PM me if you need help/ come up with more. This is definetly something I'd like to persue.

Hi! I loved the idea. It's so unique.
I agree about the whole perfection thing. Make him interesting. Give him flaws.
And you spelled amber wrong.
Just one more thing: I find it really awkward when a girl writes from a boy's point of view. I've tried it before, and each time failed miserably. Why? Because they are the mysterious, fabled creatures who's minds are completely incomprehensible. But then again, I imagine your character is old? Like, he's been trapped in that body for a long time? So that would give him a heightened maturity and make him MUCH more comprehensible. I'm just saying, you might have a little trouble with this. I mean, even when I'm just writing dialogue that includes a male character, I always have to stop and think, "So how would a guy respond to this?" Which leads me to ask my friend, and usually I'm way off.
ANYWAY, your character reminds me too much of the generic Edward Cullen. Change it. Change it or the rabid Twi-haters will eat your brains. xD Sorry. It's late and I'm high on pepsi.

Oh, I'm just now realizing that this is your preface. I agree with Sela; you gave away too much. Prologues are supposed to be vague. This would make a good chapter 1 though, if you chose to expand it.
Sorry if this wasn't very helpful. I get crazy when it's late. Any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Hey Moo!:D
This was a very interesting start to your story. I liked the use of short paragraphs and the language used throughout.
I have to agree with the other reviewers, in that you gave away a lot of information for a prologue.
I do not, however, think that the character was like Edward Cullen at all! I didn't get the impression that he was perfect at all. I hope that we learn more about his past later on in the story.
Overall, this was great!:D

- Prospekt

P.S. Willis is wearing teh yellow shirt

I found that the emotion bits and those descriptions were almost a little bit repetitive in a sense. It just kind of felt straightforward and you were lengthing it when it didnt need to be.

I liked this bit but it felt sort of like an info dump in a small way. I like starting prologues with a question but that derogative question seemed a little dumpish in that sense cause you take up a lot of time explaining it. I would have found it more interesting if I didnt really know the answer, and in the answer you gave away much of your story and plot line. Watch out cause giving away too much could cause a reader to turn away.

The idea of guardian angel as the main character is quite exciting though and I give you props for going into such a character. I myself love expressing strange characters that arent at all like myself in more of a challenging aspect, because my first novel was one that was very close to my heart which made it simplier to write. This piece though gives you some free reign over how you're going to express this angels emotions.

Very interesting, although a little too much info. PM me if you need anything else!

-Dreamwalker

Hola, Mad-Moo. I was just browsing the forum and happened to come across this and it caught my attention right away. So, here is my review

But what if they knew the truth? That we were nothing but rebellious misfits, cast from heaven to redeem themselves from past mistakes by helping another soul?

I know that you are referring to the 'humans' when you say that 'if they knew the truth'. But when I read it the first time, I thought you were talking about the Guardian Angels, so just make sure you make that clear.

I would have rather been sent to Hell than be banished to a world where you were just as good as dead.

I'm curious to know what horrible deed he committed at 17 to be banished to hell... *ponders over this thought* Maybe hint at it here or have him have a flashback or something.

~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, I found this to be a pretty good start. You have all the makings for a good story, yet I feel like the end was too predictable. Why did he find her so suddenly? It would have been more interesting if it had been a challenge, or if she couldn't see him, or something like that. Maybe I'm just being picky but I feel like you need to give this story more of an 'edge', for lack of a better word. Something that makes it stand out from all the other romances out there.

Hope this helped!

I thought that it was wonderful. Unlike some of the earlier posts I thought that the perfect amount of information was given away in the prologue. It made me really want to read more. I want to know what the angel did to be cast down? I love the way up comunicated his emotions. I can picture him sitting in front of the fire watching it. I think that this is a wonderful start to what I think will be a wonderful story. PLwase post more when you have it!!!!!!!

I think this is wonderfully imaginative story and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I do wonder if you have given away too much in the prologue and sometimes the information you gave us at the begining seemed a little forced and unnatural. But then again I haven't read your 1st chapters so i can't make a good judge of that until I have, however I think you could rewrite the begining of this to be a little more gracefull, maybe a bit more descriptive. It is all a bit still at the begining, lifless. Then again it contrasts wonderfully with the end when so much emotion is brought into the story.

Hope to see more of this

I like the fact that you tell so much in the prologue, it gives you a safe feeling as you enter the story. Other than that, it was pretty nice. I think he would've discribed his suffering more vividly, so you might want to add "I can't remember it now like I used to back then, all of those feelings of anguish and suffering, they seem so far away now. That is, before it started." Or something like that, that interests the reader to read even further, and explains why he doesn't describe all of those lonely feelings. I liked it, overall!

Like everyone above, I found this to be a really nice little piece.

However it depends on whether you plan on turning this into a novel or just a short story as to whether it was done really well. As a prologue it should be smudged/unclear with only fragmented bit of information given away. I fear you have left yourself with limited directions in which to take this story.

I however do agree that your angel character should have several minor flaws as well as his 'sinful' crime which nearly sent him to hell. It gives a character depth as well as believability.

As a stand alone piece I found it very involving and it left me wishing for the next part. If you can come up with a good storyline then I will happily read and review any more you write