Change, chapter 1

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This chapter does not really have anything to do with fantasy.. but the story itself does and this is just the beginning of it :) Any reviews are appreciated :D

Chapter 1


“Maeve!”
Maeve pulled herself away from her desk and leaned over the stair banister.
“YES?” she called back, her mind still full of her essay, now nearly finished on her desk.
“Get ready for the party!” Was the reply.
Maeve sighed, and walked back into her room. She despised her dad’s garden club ‘parties’. Every month the people in the club got together with their families at one of the member’s houses... this month it was their turn. Oh the Joy, she thought as she opened her wardrobe and looked for something to wear. It’s not that she particularly hated this dinner in general, it was just… the lack of company her own age. It was basically a whole bunch of adults sitting together and talking about things she did not particularly care about… like global economy. She finally found some clothes; a denim skirt, black tights and a colourful tee shirt. After finding her ballet flats and doing her hair, she went downstairs and into the kitchen. Her mum had just taken a big roast chicken out of the oven.
“Do you mind staying here to make sure Sox doesn’t get at any of the chicken, while I go get ready?” her mum asked.
Sox was their cat, a young black and white tom cat that always seemed to be hungry.
“Sure, no problem.” Maeve answered sitting down at the breakfast bar.
Her mum walked out of the room and Maeve found herself becoming increasingly bored. Suddenly, Maeve spotted her cat walking into the kitchen, eying the chicken next to her right arm.
“Hey Sox.” Maeve said welcoming the cat and reaching down to pet him, even though he only had eyes for the roast chicken.
Fifteen minutes late, her mum walked back in, ready for the party.
***

Ding Ding.
Maeve got up and walked over to the door, ready to begin her duties as the concierge. The first guests were the Simons, a young couple who lived a few doors down from theirs. Maeve carefully took their coats and hung them up, for Mrs Simon was notorious for being very fussy about her clothes. She then led them into the garden where the party would be held.
Maeve had never seen their garden as decorated as it was that night. The sun had gone down earlier, so lovely Chinese lanterns were hung up all around the garden, making it look very serene. In the middle of the yard stood what looked like one large table, which was actually a few small ones with a large white table cloth on top.
For the next fifteen minutes, Maeve continued her duties well, greeting all the guests, taking their coats and leading them to their places at the large table.

Ding Ding
“More guests.” she sighed, more than slightly annoyed by now.
She walked through the hallway and up to the front door, already putting on her: I’m glad I’m here to greet you all into my lovely home face when she opened it… and gasped.
Right there staring right into her eyes were emerald green ones. She felt herself blushing bright red as she realised who it was, Matthew Clinton.
Matthew Clinton was a tall, fit boy from her year in school, he was even in her class. He had coal black hair and emerald green eyes which seemed to have a permanent sparkle in them. Basically the dream of every girl in her year and even the year above her. She knew she NEVER would have a chance with him; he was just so cool and popular, always surrounded by a group of friends. Maeve herself was quite slim and a bit short with light brown eyes and curly hair to match. On top of all this, she had a freckled face. Nothing like the tall, blonde haired blue eyed girls who normally hung around with him. The ones like Janine, a tall, blonde haired girl who followed Matt everywhere.
“Hey Maeve” Matthew said to her before offering her his coat.
“H… h… h…” she answered weakly.
“Hi?” he asked.
“Yeah that” she said mesmerised. Behind him were his parents. His mum was short and quite slim, with dark brown hair and dull green eyes, nowhere in the same league as Matthew's. Mr Clinton was the spitting image of his son, with a more lined face, same figure, same hair, same eyes, though they seemed to lack the sparkle Matthew’s always carried.
“Hey Maeve, what about my coat?” a rude voice said from outside, pronouncing her name as if it was spelt Meev.
“Gran, don’t be rude!” Matthew said to the voice
Maeve found herself looking at none other than Mrs Clinton.
Mrs Clinton had been living in the village for around fifty years; she was an elderly woman from Ireland. No one knew exactly where she came from, when asked she would vaguely reply: “Just an old place in the country” which hardly helped. She had always been rather tall and stout, with dimples, green eyes, greying hair and rosy cheeks which gave you the impression she was one of those sweet old ladies who gave out sweets to toddlers. In reality, she was nothing of the sort. She had a short-temper and was rather feisty. Maeve had never liked her, she always pronounced her name wrong no matter how many times she had been corrected.
“Actually, it’s pronounced ‘May’ with an extra ‘v’ at the end” she said, taking hold of the Old lady’s coat.
After showing them to their places, she continued with her ‘duties’ until around eighteen people were seated in her back garden. She then took her own place at the table, exhausted. The food was almost immediately brought in and she dug into the first course without hesitation. After a while, she slowed down a bit and realised Matthew was sitting across from her and didn’t seem to be enjoying the soup. Next the roast chicken was brought in with potatoes and vegetables. Matthew asked for a huge portion of the chicken but nothing else. He then ate ravenously, almost attacking it as if he was a predator and it was his prey. When was the last time he ate? Maeve wondered staring at him. Matthew’s parents looked a bit disconcerted as well, but said nothing. Mrs Clinton took a large portion of the mixed vegetables and ate them slowly, savouring every piece which also seemed odd to Maeve, but then again Mrs Clinton was a very odd woman. Finally, the dessert was brought in, Maeve thought she could hardly eat another bite but managed a large piece of cherry cheesecake.
Maeve was stuffed full of food and so relaxed in her chair, almost closing her eyes until she saw her mum, standing behind Matthew and pointing at her, then him, then drawing a heart with her hands in mid-air. Maeve tried to signal at her to stop it just in case he turned round and saw her. But instead, Matthew looked at her oddly, seeing her signalling to her mum. Maeve pretended she was trying to swat an insect.
“Oh! got the little pest… sorry, mosquito” she smiled apologetically.
Then her mum sat down in her place next to Maeve and continued to do what only a mother can do properly… Embarrass her daughter.
“So Matthew, I hear you and Maeve go to the same school.”
Maeve could feel her cheeks turning red.
“Yeah, as a matter of fact, we’re in the same class.”
Maeve didn’t say a word. Seeing this, her mum finally gave up and started a conversation with Matt’s dad. Being the sort of person who got bored very easily, she found herself becoming restless after 10 minutes of just staring.
“Maeve, why don’t you show Matthew to your room and chat a bit” Maeve’s mum said after fifteen minutes, showing she still had not giving up on a Mrs Maeve Clinton.
Maeve reluctantly agreed, embarrassed and showed him up the stairs and into her room. There they stood in silence. Until Matt spotted her unfinished essay, still sitting on her desk
“Homework?” He asked jokingly. “I see it’s one of Mrs Rebecca’s essays, I’ve heard about how maddening they can be.”
“Oh yeah, you take English with the year below us… why’s that?” Maeve asked, finally finding her voice.
“I… transferred to another school last year, but decided to come back. The other school did not really teach English so my mum thought it would be for the best if I just retook last year’s English” He said, shrugging.
“Hahaa… My english skills are superior to yours!” she said teasing him.
After this, something seemed to click and she found herself able to talk properly with him. They chatted away for ages, about books, shows on television, DVD’s… everything. She found him very easy to talk to and found themselves joking around with each other before too long. By the time Maeve’s dad came in to tell them Matt had to leave, they were in stitches.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He said smiling at her. “Can’t wait to talk to you some more.” He told her sweetly, waving her goodbye.
“Me too Matthew” she answered.
“Come on… Call me Matt, Maeve”
That night in bed. All Maeve could think about was Matt. How interesting he was to talk to, how amazing his eyes were, how soft his hair looked… She couldn’t stop. Finally she managed to sleep, still thinking about Matt…!

***

The next day, Maeve woke up late, it was 7.30 and school started at 8.00. She had slept right through her alarm. She jumped out of bed and rushed to get into her school uniform.
After getting herself to look half way decent, Maeve rushed downstairs and grabbed some cereal and her school bag. After saying bye to her mum and dad, she rushed out, catching the bus with a minute to spare. When she arrived at school, she looked around for her best friends; Trixi and Dan. She found them looking at her, and pointing to an empty place near them. When she had sat down, she looked around and saw Matt looking at her, he smiled and waved. She waved back quickly, hoping her friends wouldn’t notice, but they did.
“Exactly when did you get to know Matt enough to wave at him?” Trixi asked her.
Maeve explained to her about the garden party the night before and how she had gotten along with him really well.
“LUCKY! That’s unfair… I’m the one that’s been crushing on him for ages!” Trixi said when she had heard what Maeve had to say.
On Maeve’s left, Dan snorted.
“Yeah… you and everyone else in this school. All you girls absolutely adore him, it’s so annoying!” he said, Maeve thought he seemed jealous over Matt’s popularity.
Maeve and Trixi. ignored him and turned to listen to the principle who had come in to say the morning announcements.
-mors aut honorabilis vita-


Forget the prince with a horse, I want a vampire with a volvo.




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The prolouge was awesome, but i don't think there was enough connection in the first chapter. write more, i really want to know why these are under the same title. :?:




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Chapter 1



“Maeve!”

Maeve pulled herself away from her desk and leaned over the stair banister.

“YES?” she called back, her mind still full of her essay, now nearly finished on her desk.

“Get ready for the party!” Was the reply.

Maeve sighed, and walked back into her room. She despised her dad’s garden club ‘parties’. Every month the people in the club got together with their families at one of the member’s houses... this month it was their turn. Oh the Joy, she thought as she opened her wardrobe and looked for something to wear. It’s not that she particularly hated this dinner in general, it was just… the lack of company her own age. It was basically a whole bunch of adults sitting together and talking about things she did not particularly care about… like global economy. She finally found some clothes; a denim skirt, black tights and a colourful tee shirt. After finding her ballet flats and doing her hair, she went downstairs and into the kitchen. Her mum had just taken a big roast chicken out of the oven.

“Do you mind staying here to make sure Sox doesn’t get at any of the chicken, while I go get ready?” her mum asked.

Sox was their cat, a young black and white tom cat that always seemed to be hungry.

“Sure, no problem.” Maeve answered sitting down at the breakfast bar.

Her mum walked out of the room and Maeve found herself becoming increasingly bored. Suddenly, Maeve spotted her cat walking into the kitchen, eying the chicken next to her right arm.

“Hey Sox.” Maeve said welcoming the cat and reaching down to pet him, even though he only had eyes for the roast chicken.

Fifteen minutes late, her mum walked back in, ready for the party.

***


Ding Ding.

Maeve got up and walked over to the door, ready to begin her duties as the concierge. The first guests were the Simons, a young couple who lived a few doors down from theirs. Maeve carefully took their coats and hung them up, for Mrs Simon was notorious for being very fussy about her clothes. She then led them into the garden where the party would be held.

Maeve had never seen their garden as decorated as it was that night. The sun had gone down earlier, so lovely Chinese lanterns were hung up all around the garden, making it look very serene. In the middle of the yard stood what looked like one large table, which was actually a few small ones with a large white table cloth on top.

For the next fifteen minutes, Maeve continued her duties well, greeting all the guests, taking their coats and leading them to their places at the large table.


Ding Ding

“More guests.” she sighed, more than slightly annoyed by now.

She walked through the hallway and up to the front door, already putting on her: I’m glad I’m here to greet you all into my lovely home face when she opened it… and gasped.

Right there staring right into her eyes were emerald green ones. She felt herself blushing bright red as she realised who it was, Matthew Clinton.

Matthew Clinton was a tall, fit boy from her year in school, he was even in her class. He had coal black hair and emerald green eyes which seemed to have a permanent sparkle in them. Basically the dream of every girl in her year and even the year above her. She knew she NEVER (aagh! change the caps into italics) would have a chance with him; he was just so cool and popular, always surrounded by a group of friends. Maeve herself was quite slim and a bit short with light brown eyes and curly hair to match. On top of all this, she had a freckled face. Nothing like the tall, blonde haired blue eyed girls who normally hung around with him. The ones like Janine, a tall, blonde haired girl who followed Matt everywhere.

“Hey Maeve” Matthew said to her before offering her his coat.

“H… h… h…” she answered weakly.

“Hi?” he asked.

“Yeah that” she said mesmerised. Behind him were his parents. His mum was short and quite slim, with dark brown hair and dull green eyes, nowhere in the same league as Matthew's. Mr Clinton was the spitting image of his son, with a more lined face, same figure, same hair, same eyes, though they seemed to lack the sparkle Matthew’s always carried.

“Hey Maeve, what about my coat?” a rude voice said from outside, pronouncing her name as if it was spelt Meev.

“Gran, don’t be rude!” Matthew said to the voice

Maeve found herself looking at none other than Mrs Clinton.

Mrs Clinton had been living in the village for around fifty years; she was an elderly woman from Ireland. No one knew exactly where she came from, when asked she would vaguely reply: “Just an old place in the country” which hardly helped. She had always been rather tall and stout, with dimples, green eyes, greying hair and rosy cheeks which gave you the impression she was one of those sweet old ladies who gave out sweets to toddlers. In reality, she was nothing of the sort. She had a short-temper and was rather feisty. Maeve had never liked her, she always pronounced her name wrong no matter how many times she had been corrected.

“Actually, it’s pronounced ‘May’ with an extra ‘v’ at the end” she said, taking hold of the Old lady’s coat.

After showing them to their places, she continued with her ‘duties’ until around eighteen people were seated in her back garden. She then took her own place at the table, exhausted. The food was almost immediately brought in and she dug into the first course without hesitation. After a while, she slowed down a bit and realised Matthew was sitting across from her and didn’t seem to be enjoying the soup. Next the roast chicken was brought in with potatoes and vegetables. Matthew asked for a huge portion of the chicken but nothing else. He then ate (it) ravenously, almost attacking it as if he was a predator and it was his prey. When was the last time he ate (it would sound better "when was the last time he had eaten)? Maeve wondered staring at him (this sentence sounds awkward). Matthew’s parents looked a bit disconcerted as well, but said nothing. Mrs Clinton took a large portion of the mixed vegetables and ate them slowly, savouring every piece which also seemed odd to Maeve, but then again Mrs Clinton was a very odd woman. Finally, the dessert was brought in, Maeve thought she could hardly eat another bite but managed a large piece of cherry cheesecake.

Maeve was stuffed full of food and so relaxed in her chair, almost closing her eyes until she saw her mum, standing behind Matthew and pointing at her, then him, then drawing a heart with her hands in mid-air. Maeve tried to signal at her to stop it just in case he turned round and saw her. But instead, Matthew looked at her oddly, seeing her signalling to her mum. Maeve pretended she was trying to swat an insect.

“Oh! got the little pest… sorry, mosquito” she smiled apologetically.

Then her mum sat down in her place next to Maeve and continued to do what only a mother can do properly… Embarrass her daughter.

“So Matthew, I hear you and Maeve go to the same school.”

Maeve could feel her cheeks turning red.

“Yeah, as a matter of fact, we’re in the same class.”

Maeve didn’t say a word. Seeing this, her mum finally gave up and started a conversation with Matt’s dad. Being the sort of person who got bored very easily, she found herself becoming restless after 10 (rather use ten than 10) minutes of just staring.

“Maeve, why don’t you show Matthew to your room and chat a bit” Maeve’s mum said after fifteen minutes, showing she still had not giving up on a Mrs Maeve Clinton.

Maeve reluctantly agreed, embarrassed and showed him up the stairs and into her room. There they stood in silence. Until Matt spotted her unfinished essay, still sitting on her desk

“Homework?” He asked jokingly (I don't like the adverb here, try to find a better way to describe it). “I see it’s one of Mrs Rebecca’s essays, I’ve heard about how maddening (the maddening sounds awkward and disturbs the flow) they can be.”

“Oh yeah, you take English with the year below us… why’s that?” Maeve asked, finally finding her voice.

“I… transferred to another school last year, but decided to come back. The other school did not really teach English so my mum thought it would be for the best if I just retook last year’s English” He said, shrugging.

“Hahaa… My english skills are superior to yours! (I love the awkwardness you have here in this sentence)” she said teasing him.

After this, something seemed to click and she found herself able to talk properly with him. They chatted away for ages, about books, shows on television, DVD’s… everything. She found him very easy to talk to and found themselves joking around with each other before too long. By the time Maeve’s dad came in to tell them Matt had to leave, they were in stitches.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.” He said smiling at her. “Can’t wait to talk to you some more.” He told her sweetly (don't use an adverb here, it sounds strange) ,waving her goodbye.

“Me too Matthew” she answered.

“Come on… Call me Matt, Maeve”

That night in bed. All Maeve could think about was Matt. How interesting he was to talk to, how amazing his eyes were, how soft his hair looked… She couldn’t stop. Finally she managed to sleep, still thinking about Matt…! (ellipses and exclamation marks don't fit together. Choose one. Also change the sentence beginning to "Finally she managed to get sleep", it flows better)

***


The next day, Maeve woke up late, it was 7.30 and school started at 8.00. She had slept right through her alarm. She jumped out of bed and rushed to get into her school uniform.

After getting herself to look half way decent, Maeve rushed downstairs and grabbed some cereal and her school bag. After saying bye to her mum and dad, she rushed out, catching the bus with a minute to spare. When she arrived at school, she looked around for her best friends; Trixi and Dan. She found them looking at her, and pointing to an empty place near them. When she had sat down, she looked around and saw Matt looking at her, he smiled and waved. She waved back quickly, hoping her friends wouldn’t notice, but they did.

“Exactly when did you get to know Matt enough to wave at him?” Trixi asked her.

Maeve explained to her about the garden party the night before and how she had gotten along with him really well.

“LUCKY! That’s unfair… I’m the one that’s been crushing on him for ages!” Trixi said when she had heard what Maeve had to say.

On Maeve’s left, Dan snorted.

“Yeah… you and everyone else in this school. All you girls absolutely adore him, it’s so annoying!” he said, Maeve thought he seemed jealous over Matt’s popularity.

Maeve and Trixi. (is that dot supposed to be there?) ignored him (this doesn't make sense, do you mean they ignored her?) and turned to listen to the principle who had come in to say the morning announcements.


All in all it was good 'cept for a few grammar errors and the ending which seemed forced. You should have written it into a more clear ending and then changed to chapter two. Were you in a hurry? The language was good, nothing special, but for some reason my interest was quite well maintained during the chapter. In the clicking part you should have told more about their conversation, all you tell is that it clicked. I see you have quite a passion for using caps wherever possible, try to change them into italics or bold. Keep up the good work :D
If the road is easy, the destination is worthless.




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Hiya! Glad the next chapter is up!

Description: You're skimping here. Describe the homework a bit more, the classroom, the kitchen, the smell of food, the awkwardness of the meal, and perhaps spend a bit less time describing so many people, in detail, at once. Description should be spread out so people have time to properly absorb what you're trying to say. Here is an article that might help.

Punctuation: You tend to overuse commas and ellipses. Here's a guide to some tricky punctuation marks.

Characters: Your characters are very two-dimensional here. Relationships between Maeve and her parents are pretty non-existent, and the only real detail you go into is the "relationship" between Meave and Matt. Even then it's a bit on the flat side. Don't be afraid to go into detail about how people interact. Characters are about 90% of a story, so it's important to establish realistic relationships.

Confusion: I'm very confused here. You switch between describing one character and another, in the same paragraph, without much rhyme or reason to do so. Each character should have their own little bit of description when talking about then, and that little bit should be separated from another character's description. ^_^

Questions? Send me a PM.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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I really liked this chapter. Meave looks like a very cute girl, actually.
Maybe Matthew are a nice boy? I don't know, yet. Every popular guy isn't a bad person, you know. But most of them are, I think..
I look forward to read the next chapter, Mimimac. ^^
Btw, I'm not so good to review, though. Yet. But I'm at least trying..

~ Bubblegum
May all your dreams come true.. (even the ones they laughed at).




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you have some dots that could be turned into commas, but that's pretty much it! It's adorable! I didn't see the prologue, so I don't know what everyone are talking about. There were a few words you repeated, which I think were uncalled for, as in, change them a little so they aren't the same. All in all I like it a lot!!!! Especially the Mum part!! Oh, and it's reallly obvious that it has to do with fantasy fiction, vague answers, "moving" a school, eating like that... is he a werewolf? You know, because he only ate meat? I guess I better find that prologue and check!! Nice story!! Write more of it!!!!!
"if you were waiting for the opportune moment... that was it." - Captain Jack Sparrow



Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.
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