There are no more children.

See them,
there,
in that open expanse.

Hear them,
there,
in their rigid lines.

They march with
precision,
discipline,
and a strange maturity
found in the steps
of elder soldiers.

The smallest
laments upon a drum
his face bandaged,
bloodied,
and blackened
and yet he carries on
with no protest.

Among the small garden
of children
there
stride firmly
men of military valor,
men with no home,
men who gave themselves
a hallowed task.

Yet their faces hold no pride,
their smiles seem,
forced,
false,
empty,
almost as if
they hold no hope of tomorrow
only sorrow and cynicism
but still they carry on.....

Through a barren,
unforgiving land
it's arms held open in lethal welcome.

Rifles and pick-up-sticks,
instruments of a personal war
one that none mentioned shall return.

Because, in the end...

There are no more children.

Hello Eraqio! I'm June, and I'm to be your critic for the moment.


Poems like this, that are based upon something concrete and do not pose the subject too vaguely are of the best kinds. They make my heart smile as I read them.

There aren't any major errors in this; it's practically flawless. However, the usage of the ellipsis (...) is often disliked in poetry. If you choose to keep it, that's fine. It's okay to break the rules of form every now and then . But! I shall mention that if you keep your ellipsis's you need to correct them. An ellipsis is precisely three dots; no more, no less.


The military/heroic touch to this poem makes me smile. I absolutely adore this; few words can describe this other than the words that it is written in.

I wouldn't change anything about it. The structure/wording is perfect. This isn't a poem-- it's a masterpiece.

The strength in the last line gives the piece an amazing closing. It closes the poem perfectly and doesn't stray away from the message that you have posed to us here.

I have to say, you have done a great job here. This is a masterpiece.


I love the part about their faces not having any pride. That's the one part of war that people often leave out about the heroes.

Amazing, dear. Keep it up.

11/10

June

Hello, there, Eraqio; there a few things I'd like to say about your lovely poem.

First off, the first few lines are wonderful and enticing - something that really draws a reader in. Expanse, I'm fairly sure, has been misspelled, but that is the only mistake here that I saw.

Your descriptiveness and comparisons to the worlds of soldiers and children are astounding; this is a really moving piece.

See them,
there,
in that open expance.

It's actually "expanse."

Most of what I have to suggest has to do with the rhythm. Something I always try to do, and suggest to a lot of people, is that they read their poem out loud. It helps a lot in finding the tiniest little glitches, and figuring out how best to fix it.
You also have a lot of unnecessary commas, which I'll point out.

They march with,
precision,
discipline,
and a strange maturity,
found in the steps,
of elder soldiers.

First of all, you don't need the comma after the first line. Secondly, the third line here is too long for the rhythm. I'd suggest first of all taking off the "and" and also getting rid of the comma at the end of the line, so you can flow right into the next line as you're reading this.

The smallest,
laments upon a drum,

No comma after "smallest".

and blackened,
and yet he carries on,
with no protest.

I would make those second two lines a seperate sentence. It's smoother with that little interruption a period causes.

Among the small garden,
of children,
there,
stride firmly,
men of military valor,

You actually shouldn't have any of the commas here, except the last one.

men with no home,
men who gave themselves,
a hallowed task.

That second line there is too long for the rythm. I'd suggest just taking off the "men". So it would be: "men with no home, / who gave themselves"
Also, you don't need the comma at the end of that 2'nd line.

Yet their faces hold no pride,
their smiles seem,
forced,
false,
empty,
almost as if,
they hold no hope of tomorrow,
only sorrow and cynicism,
but still they carry on.....

In place of the comma in the first line, you need a period or a semi-colon.
No comma at the end of the 2'nd line.
For the list "forced, false, empty" I would actually do it like this: "Their smiles seem / forced. / False. / Empty. /Almost as if"
No comma at the end of the 6'th line.
I'd replace the comma in the 8'th line with a period.
And the elipse in the last line should only be three. "..." I think someone else mentioned that too.

Through a barren,
unforgiving land,
it's arms held open in lethal welcome.

"Through" doesn't need to be capitalized, because it's part of the sentence in the previous stanza.
In the 3'rd line, it should be "its". That's the possessive form. Right now that sentence says, "It is arms held open..."

Rifles and pick-up-sticks,
instruments of a personal war,
one that none mentioned shall return.

It should be "Rifles and pick-up-sticks are instruments..." Otherwise this stanza is a fragment.
With the 'are' inserted, I'd get rid of the comma in the first line.

Because, in the end....

There Are No More Children.

I didn't mind the other elipse, but I don't like this one. I don't think it's necessary. The ending would be just as effective without it, if not more so.
I also wouldn't capitalize the words in the last line. It looks... I don't know, somehow it doesn't look right. There isn't anything wrong with it really, I just don't like it for some reason. It's up to you.


So, just work on your rhythm, read it aloud to pick up on anything I might have missed, and get rid of all those excessive commas. Otherwise, good job!

Oops, double post.

Eraqio wrote:See them,
there,
in that open expance.

Hear them,
there,
in their rigid lines.

They march with, i don't think you need a comma here
precision,
discipline,
and a strange maturity,
found in the steps,
of elder soldiers.

The smallest, no need for a comma
laments upon a drum,
his face bandaged,
bloodied,
and blackened,
and yet he carries on,
with no protest.

Among the small garden, no need for a comma here too
of children,
there,
stride firmly,
men of military valor,
men with no home,
men who gave themselves,
a hallowed task.

hi Eraqio ,
I love your poem, the only thing I think you should look into is your punctuation. I think you used too many commas and even put them in lines that either did not need any thing or in lines that needed a different punctuation mark. I too am not very good at punctuation and trying to improve. have fun writing more...

See, here's the deal, I read this, right?
And then I went through and sort of skimmed over all the other reviews. I hit the one reply button or whatever the heck it says and came to this little review box thinger.
And here I am faced with a dilemma: I cannot remember the poem. Like, hardly at all. I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh or anything. It's probably just me. I don't know. It's either my attention span, or the fact that your poem is lacking...pizazz, that ever-wonderful factor that makes pieces memorable.
Okay, ya know what, no. It's just me.
Sorry for wasting space with my rambling.
I have to go to the store now, but I promise, I'll be back to review this as soon as I get back. Review it properly, I mean.

-Jocelyn

--------------------------------

EDIT:
A'ight. I'm back.

*rereads poem*

I don't know why I couldn't seem to recall anything from this poem earlier, it really is quite...impacting, I guess you'd call it.
Most of the main errors have been previously pointed out, and punctuation really isn't my thing and in poetry, it just tends to confuse me, so I won't even try.
I'm not being much help right now, am I?
Sorry.

Well...I liked this. A lot. I will so remember it for like...a couple months, at least. Haha. Anyway, yeah. This was really great. Just tweak it a bit where others have pointed out and it'll be even better.

Epic good job, man.

-Jocelyn. Again.