Disneyland Romance

Chapter 1: The Chase
It was a beautiful day at the "Happiest Place on Earth," Disneyland. I was spending the day with my best friend Sam. We were having fun pointing at the cute guys, seeing the couples and being jealous of them. Well, the last part of being jealous isn't fun, but you get the idea.
When noon came, we decided to go ride on one more ride before lunch. When we were walking to the ride "Big Thunder Mountain," we saw two boys walking past us and noticed they were staring at us. All of a sudden we turn around and they are right behind us.
"Don't look now, but I think we have company." Sam whispered to me, "What should we do now, Sally?"
"If they follow us onto the ride then instead we should trick them. Let's turn around, walk into a big group, and run into one of the stores," I explained
"Do you think it will work?"
"I don't know. But it’s worth a try."
Sure that's what my mouth and head were saying, but my heart was saying, let him come, talk to the HOT GUY. I could not listen to my heart; I had to listen to my head.
We carried through with our plan, but the boys were too smart for us and figured it out. Right when we turned into a big crowd, they did too!
"We have to make a run for it," whispered Sam.
"I know! Hurry run for one of the stores. We should lose them there
We made a run for it into one of the stores over in "Adventureland" called the Bazaar. Right when we got in, we hid behind a rack of clothing to catch our breath. Right after we checked to see if the coast was clear we started laughing and said that that has never happened to us before. We spoke to late and there were the boys standing outside the store ready to come in. We ducked and held our breath. We never really looked at them before and what we saw we liked instantly. The boy that caught my attention was pretty tall, had medium length black hair, was wearing tight jeans with a, what is this, a Christian t-shirt! He is perfect! The other boy, I could tell, caught Sam's attention. He was also tall, with long black hair, and wearing a Christian T-shirt. Sam and I sighed at the same time while thinking one thing, Twins. The only difference between them was that one had blue eyes, my guy, and the other one had green, which was Sam's guy. We blushed in embarrassment. While Sam and I were waiting for the coast to clear, Sam grabbed something off the rack and held it against her.
"Oh my Gosh this is so cute! Look at this t-shirt!"
"Sam! Shut up they will….."
“Hello ladies,” we heard. We looked up and there are the boys. Oh My Gosh, they have English accents.
"Hello Boys."
Right when we said this we ran to the Jungle Cruise, leaving the boys behind. We waved bye to them as we went off.
"That boy with the blue eyes was really cute. And did you notice they were both wearing Christian t-shirts? That is really cool!" I said to Sam after we got on.
"You can have that guy I want green eyes he’s hot!"
"That does not make any sense they both look the same, well they do have different colored eyes but other than that they look the same."
"So! Green eyes on men make a huge difference. Yeah, it is cool seeing them wear Christian T-shirts, but it doesn't mean anything. They could just be wearing them because they look cool.”
"True," I said sadly, "now we will never have a chance to ask. We had to run away?!"
"It was your idea! But you never know, they might come after us after the ride. If they do let's question them and see what the reason for chasing us was. And maybe we will have dates for the day." Sam had a cheesy smile on her face.
"I hate it when you have that look on your face; it always means that you have an evil diabolical plan up your sleeve. What are you planning?"
"Nothing, I just like to smile."
"LIAR!!!! Tell me!!!" I yelled at her.
"Nothing, now you just enjoy the rest of the ride."
"Well I hope everyone enjoyed your ride on the Jungle Cruise and if you did my name is Todd, and if you didn't my name is Ashley. Please enjoy the rest of your day here at Disneyland." Our driver announced pulling up at the exit.
"Well that was quick." I said laughing, "And look the boys are gone, I guess it's safe.
We got off the ride and started walking to another ride, when all of a sudden the boys were right in front of us.
"Hello ladies, again." They said with huge smiles on their faces.

Okay so I read this piece and I really think you need to go back and see how you can make this better. You need to work on description and character development.
Why did they feel scared of the two boys? Don't just tell us show us.
What made them HOT GUYS.

Work on that, I'll try and give you a full review as soon as I can, and I'll really nit pick it.

Telina.

I can't say that I like your name. But let's focus on the story.

I was bored. I was so bored I threw up all over the world. But you know what? I can help you. So don't be angry, just listen and learn.

"So, I was totally walking around Disneyland and there were these two hot guys following me and it was so totally crazy and they were totally hot and I think they were from, like, England because they had like, British accents, like, seriously." That's you're plot. Study it for a moment. Is there something wrong? Yes, it's incredibly boring. Now, if you like the idea of Disneyland, two teenager girls, and two teenage guys--maybe from England--who are following them, you're going to have to flesh it out a little more.

First of all, who are these girls? Is there anything about them that makes them different from the girls that EVERYBODY hates? Do they have interesting personalities or exciting histories? Do they care about ANYTHING besides guys? You're going to have to make them into actual people if you want anyone to read your story. And you're going to have to tell us what they look like.

Why are they at Disneyland? Do they like taking pictures of the ugliest people they can find? Do they sidewalk-chalk the empty space underneath the rollercoasters? Do they bring their own hot dog stand and try to make money to pay for a doctor for their ailing pet salamander? Or are they searching for the true purpose of human existence?

What is wrong with these guys? Guys don't follow girls around unless they get a little encouragement. After the first time those girls "ran away", the guys would have gone and found someone who appreciated their attention. UNLESS there was something extremely unusual and intriguing about these girls, (ex. they were sidewalk-chalking obscure quotes from the Marx Brothers all over benches and such). OR, the "British" guys are actually spies and one of the girls unknowingly has a secret microchip in her...bra. Or whatever.

And what about DESCRIPTION? All the reader knows is the two british guys have long hair and different colored eyes. That's it. How about what Disneyland looks like, smells like, seems like, might be like, could be like in your imagination? How about the sky and the weird homeless man who is picking his nose and feeding the snot to his dog? What about the sneakers that look like someone tried to eat them? What do all the people look like? And the chipped paint, and the dirty sidewalks and the ... etc.

You can thank me for taking the time to help you improve your writing. PLEASE do something about this. Or I'll die.

sorry about this review totally out I was new when I posted it it but that isn't really an excuses anyway a hundred sorrys and then another hundred sorrys so now I'll give you a quick review. I couldn't find any grammar mistakes and and alough I thought it seamed a little bit unrealistic only because they had British accents it would be interesting to see were the story go's.

Moderator edit: Do not swear outside of literary works.

*sigh*
I see you haven't been receiving very welcoming comments.
Anyway, what I shall focus here, is your writing style,
Not really on what happened and how ridiculous it may sound to people.

There were no eye-catching mistakes,
Except where you tend to miss out full-stops at the end of certain sentences.
The ending was good, the kind that makes people grin. Or at least, me.
The start could be improved though, its very cliched.
Your capitalised words could be replaced with italics for emphasis.
Well, as a consolation, you're not exactly leading us around in circles, because this looks like its going somewhere, at least.
Do not let criticism get you down and keep writing!

~Feel free to PM me for a proper critique and have a nice day!
Meep(:

staplestoo, jok101,
Please don't step out of line.
Somethings were uncalled for.

staplestoo: Harsh criticism is fine in reviewing the work, but not when you're insultig the author's life, considering that this is Non-fiction. Just because you do not appreciate it, do not take your opinion as applied to everyone else.

jok101: Refrain from swearing and keep it to your stories, please.

Thanks,
~Meep(:

Yeah everyone that's grilling me is totally right I was an well you know I edited my review even though it now more of an I'm sorry for being jerk and again sorry for being out, pm me if you right part two and I cant do an honest reveiw and again I was totaly out feel fee to anyone give my work some serisoly harch reviews well you no any way again sorry sorry sorry and more sorrry.