Escaping the Lost City....

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What the book is about:

Mila and her friends: Zoë, Phoebe and Pat win a school competition about Greece and its culture. They win a prize: a cruise to the Greek islands with their boring form teacher, Ms. Jefferson. But while they are in Santorini, they are struck by a strange and powerful storm…While up at the surface they are feared dead, they find themselves captives in an underwater city –Atlantis.
During an audience with none other than Poseidon, the sea God, they are told that they will never see the surface again. Mila and her friends will not accept this. The four, along with all their friends fight to regain their freedom.

Chapter 1
Three Words: Life-Is-Boring


“Mila, Zoë and Phoebe: for the hundredth, thousandth time, stop talking!” Ms. Jefferson said sternly. Her beady, black eyes surveyed them from over her rectangular glasses. Mila had always wondered how they never fell off, over the tip of that pointed nose, which belonged to her pesky form mistress and boring history and geography teacher. After telling Mila to tuck her shirt in and scolding Zoë for bouncing her tennis ball on the desks. After asking Phoebe to please pay attention and to “put that ridiculous beauty magazine away” she turned round and asked if anyone remembered what she had been saying before she was “rudely interrupted”. Naturally Pat raised her hand.

“The competition miss. The one were we have to do a project on the Greek islands…” She said in a rush. Zoë gave a cough which sounded like “goody-goody”. Both Pat and Ms. Jefferson ignored her.
“Oh yes, quite right…”she gave another sharp look at the other three.

Mila yawned uncontrollably. She was a girl of jet black hair, dark eyes and a slightly pale complexion, her face showered with freckles. She had just turned thirteen and puberty was doing its job. Her chest was not exactly flat and she was just about in proportion. A rather striking girl, in other words. She liked to wear black; she also detested pink (unlike Phoebe). She was a girl of extreme talent when it came to music. Although she was known to love classic music, the genre to her liking was mostly rock, punk rock.

Her best friend, Zoë was rather different looking. She was black and had long, dark brown hair which was always in a strange and rather original hairstyle. She was also thirteen, a strong girl known to keep fit at all times. Her passion was sport and she usually carried a ball around her (any type) along with her skateboard. Zoë was also of a rather boyish character. A Skater. She was also rather loud-voiced, due to her loud and rather large family. She also tended to be a bit of a pig. On the whole she was the complete opposite of Phoebe and sometimes they did not get on very well. Zoë after all was known to be a bit of a tease but a fun person to be around with.

Phoebe was a rather girly-girly. She had beautiful blonde hair, which usually cascaded down her shoulders onto usually pink and very stylish clothes. She had a perfect, pale complexion. Puberty had not affected her very much in any bad way. Her chest was rather pronounced (but not too much). She was a beauty and she knew it, because it is needless to say she was very vain. She tended to be a spoilsport. Literally because she hated sport. It made her sweat and a broken nail to Phoebe was like the end of the world.

This leaves us to Pat. Or rather we had better call her by her full name, Patience Kastellanos. A girl of exceptional intelligence but of little words except when it came to point out what was right and what was wrong. She held an exceptional importance for rules though it must be said that she had wisdom, or what Ms. Jefferson called common sense. Something that apparently the rest of the girls lacked, or so their form mistress said. She was a girl of a slightly dark complexion; she wore round glasses and had a mysteriously Mediterranean look about her.

“As I was saying this final term we will be giving a great big importance to Greece and its Culture, its history its mythology…” Ms. Jefferson droned on and on and on. Pat and Mila nudged Zoë who was half-asleep and snoring rather loudly.
“…and the prize for this wonderfully exciting history and geography project is a cruise to the Greek islands themselves!” that did the trick! The whole class opened their ears wide and listened eagerly.
“…The winner for this educational project is a visit to Athens, Rhodes, Crete and Santorini. The groups may include a minimum of three people and a maximum of five. The projects must be given in by the…”

* * *

“Can you believe it?” Phoebe asked them incredulously. ”I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise…”
“Turns out the Jefferson can be a sport after all!” Zoë agreed rather enthusiastically.
“I just can’t wait to go to Greece and it’s still a long way away—“Mila started saying as she stretched on the turf during recess when Pat interrupted her.
“Uh guys, what are you saying? We are not one hundred percent sure we’re gonna win yet, are we?
“Sure we are! We’ve got you on the team! All you have to do is do what you geniuses do: get us a big A+!” Zoë said to her as she threw a basketball in its hoop nearby.
“But how do you know I’ll get an A+?” Pat argued.
“Trust us, we know” Mila assured her.
“Well even if we do, you’re gonna have to help me you know. I have it all figured out. We can all do a place each. Then give me your research and I’ll finish the rest. You guys must take care of the play though…”
“Come again? What play?” Phoebe asked her surprised.
“Don’t tell me you weren’t paying attention again!”
“Well we did pay attention while she was telling us the details of the trip, but when she started talking about the project again I didn’t bother. I think I fell asleep again. Mila had to wake me up.” Zoë confessed.
“Twice!”
“Well whatever, she told us we have to do some form of presentation and I thought it best to do a play of one of the Greek myths. Mila, you’re good at acting and essays so I didn’t think it would be a problem…” Pat told them.
The bell rang.
“Oh no! Why does recess always seem like its five minutes long?” Phoebe complained. “I didn’t even manage to finish my sandwich!”
“Well since you always spend most of the time looking at your reflection in your mirrors, I don’t wonder it seems so short.” Zoë teased. Phoebe aimed a kick at her but missed and everyone giggled as they started walking back to class.
“So who’s taking what place, in the project I mean?” Mila asked.
“Well if you don’t mind I’m taking Athens, Phoebe you could take Crete. Zoë, I know you’ll love Rhodes, the Knights of St. John occupied it before they went to Malta.” Pat said.
“Wicked!” Zoë said whose father was in fact Maltese.
“I guess that leaves that weird island she mentioned last – what was it called…Santonino?” Mila asked looking bored.
“For your information it’s Santorini and it’s a wonderful place!” Pat said rather angrily. “And mind you work hard on your research or you’ll be sorry!”
“Alright, alright; keep your hair on!” Mila called after her as she stormed away into the Biology lab.
Puzzled, they followed her and sat down. While Zoë and Phoebe argued about what they thought was wrong with Pat, Mila remained silent. She pondered over the matter. She wondered why Pat had lost her temper. She rarely did. For some reason serious Pat had always made living up to her full name Patience a primary priority in life but she’d never told them the reason.

* * *

After school Mila had a quick lunch then ran upstairs and began her research on Santorini. They had planned to meet every week to keep each other informed on what they had been doing. She logged on the internet and typed in “Santorini, Greece”. She found:


Santorini (Greece)

Before this volcanic island erupted in 1450 BC, forming Santorini’s crescent shape it was circular. These earthquakes are rather common. In fact the island is widely believed to be a candidate for the myth of the lost kingdom of Atlantis. Despite tourism, Santorini remains a stunning island with its white villages clinging to volcanic cliffs above black sand beaches. The citizens are famous for their use of donkeys as a form of transport. It is a very religious place having over 300 churches and many strange beliefs and fears such as that of the evil eye. This is one of the reasons the roofs of almost all the houses are painted in a deep sea blue, a color which they believe wards it off. The houses are also whitewashed in the summer, due to the heat.

“Wow!” Mila thought.

And “Wow” is what everyone said that weekend. The argument was forgotten by everyone except Mila who had made up her mind to find out Pat’s secret. Because she was sure Pat was hiding something.
That Saturday morning and many others passed and as Pat said a countless number of times, it did seem that they were enjoying their Greek project. There were occasions like when Zoë came running in, claiming that her name was ancient Greek, or Phoebe having the idea of writing a chapter about fashion and make-up through the ages and even volunteering to do it herself. There were other times when they got bored at their meetings and simply stated historical dates and passed round maps…
They had their meetings at Pat’s house were they were helped a great deal by her father who was Greek. Nobody knew anything about Pat’s mom. She was never mentioned, seen or heard from. Nobody said anything to Pat because they had a feeling that it wouldn’t be too tactful. They had meetings at Phoebe’s house were they all sat on her huge bed in her huge room. They always thought that either Phoebe and was extremely lucky or extremely spoilt by her parents when they entered her room, and by the time they would have left they would have concluded that she was indeed spoilt. However she was not all that lucky for her troublesome twin brothers were always up to some mischief or playing a trick on her (Zoë personally didn’t mind them and found herself giving them tips for he next booby-trap they would leave out for poor Phoebe). They were invited at Zoë’s house but avoided going there due to the great amount of noise made by her very big family. However when they did go there they spent half the time staring at the great number of trophies in her room which she had received through many different types of sports. They were however, particularly fond of going to Mila’s place, were it was not too loud or quiet and were they could use her computer. Her parents never failed to pop in with some snacks and her dog, Bobby was extremely sweet, always ready for a quiet game of fetch.

***********************************************************************************
The written word is like a piece of soft clay: you can twist it and shape it the way you want...

keep writing guys! :P




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Hey there. I'm Ari, and I'll be your reviewer today. I'm in a rush so I can't go line-by-line, but I'll give you a detailed overview of what I think.

- First off, it's a rule that you should review twice before you've posted anything. I can see that you're really new here, so I know you didn't mean to do anything wrong. Before you post the next chapter, though, you should review other people's work.

- The story idea in itself sounds really interesting. I especially like how you made their names all have Greek roots or stories behind them, that's really cool.

- Your characters all sound very interesting, but it's never a good idea to tell everything about them in chapter one. That's called "infodumping" and is usually frowned upon. Let us know what your characters are like bit by bit, so there's some guessing involved.

- Grammar overall is pretty good, but you forgot some commas and some quotation marks. Same with the spelling. Just go over it again with a fine tooth comb and clean it up a little.

- It might be a good idea to make this entire thing longer, and to make the ending more of a cliffhanger. It attracts readers and will ensure that they can't stop reading your writing.

Hope that helped - good luck!

-Ari
Novel Wordcount: 58,001 words




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hello!
Your second comment haha! Lucky me :D I probably should not be commenting on this because I've read it a bit more than a few times ;) (But I need the points so... :P I'm joking dont worry haha)
Anyway... onto the review!
Great job! I raelly like the descriptions of the characters but for all that information to be in this one chaper... it's a bit much. And it's very cool when you find out about the character slowly... Maybe you could do it so that we learn about the character during the story? So we sort of see the character's personality grow!
That's about it:D
Keep it up Scribbler :)
-mors aut honorabilis vita-


Forget the prince with a horse, I want a vampire with a volvo.




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Okay, the idea itself is good, but the work itself could use a lot of cleaning up.

Viewpoint: What you have right now is third-person omnissient. This really makes your work hard to read. Pick one character's head and stick to writing from inside that person's head until a marked change. Usually a marked change is a chapter break.

Info dumps: This is almost all info dumps. You give us the information on everything and everybody right at the start, which is a huge turn-off. When writing a novel, you have three pages to hook the reader, at most. Make use of those three pages!

To fix that, really spread this out. Picking a viewpoint character for the different scenes should help. That way, each character will give us something new on things. Or, you could just pick one character and stay in her viewpoint throughout the story.

Another thing that would help is to put in some interesting scenes when they're discussing things. Show us your characters reactions to learning all these new facts, and please, please don't give huge exerpts of history right at the beginning of a story. Give us a good hook and put the history in later.

Pat's secret: Don't tell us Pat has a secret, show us. If she has a secret about something, she should start acting oddly when anything that ties into that secret shows up. Yes, you have that in once, but you should keep putting in hits and avoid telling us point-blank that she has a secret.

Hope I helped! If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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OK, first of all ill remind the two reviews for one post rule. If you do a couple of reviews more people are likely to review yours.

I do like this; it is well written and reasonably engaging.
I will echo what was said by Unicorn. Perhaps focus on one of the main characters, and let the others play a more secondary fole.

I did also notice a couple of parts of text that did read uncormtably, by this i mean they really hamper the flow of the story.

Mila had always wondered how they never fell off, over the tip of that pointed nose, which belonged to her pesky form mistress and boring history and geography teacher.


The above is an example of this.

Overall it has potential. Keep it up and enjoy.




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Hey, Scribbler! Whazzup? Lol.

So I think that you have a great idea here. The summary of the plot in the beginning was a good move.

While I do think that your idea is fabulous, at the same time I still think this needs a ton of improvement.

The first thing that put me off was the description of the girls in the beginning. I think I only remembered what two of them were like. I'm pretty sure it's because you introduced them one after the other, making it a little bit difficult to remember which is which.

I also think that their descriptions were - ugh, I'm going to sound like a jerk - amateur. I think that if you took them out, it would make this chapter much, much better. I don't think you should straight out tell us what the characters are like right off the bat, because (believe me) as you keep writing your story, your characters might actually do things that will surprise you. That is, if you haven't written the whole story yet.

It also kinda makes things a bit boring for the reader to know exactly what the characters are like right from the beginning. The info dumps make it less interesting. Not a lot to discover about these people...I think the mystery added to Pat's personality was a brilliant move. As with the rest of the girls...not so much. Especially Mila, who seems to be the main character, because in the end I couldn't remember anything about her. It seemed to me that the rest of the girls sort of "outshined" her.

Number 2: I agree with Rosey Unicorn about the issue of the perspectives. Hopping from one person to another is very tacky. Decide on a person to tell the story from and stick with that person.

Third, description. Lacks a lot of it. Right now I'm just seeing the girls floating in space. Where are they? When are they? What does it look like where they are? What does it smell like? TASTE like? Okay, you can disregard that last one but you get what I'm saying.

Fourth (I know, this is a long list), there was a lot of repitition. Particularly with "rather" and "tended". The number of times you used those words were obvious and made me expect to read the words over and over again as I skimmed through. There were also a few gram&spell issues, but I figure you want help with the actual story than that. If you do want me to help you out with those, just PM me.

I know, I know, this was very harsh. Sorry! I will say that I think you have a good story in mind. The main thing is to stay true to the hearts of the characters, just let them write the story for you and I promise you will have a masterpeice.

Ciao babe, Dream.




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I like the idea and I'm sure its great. All I'd say like EVERYONE ELSE is watch grammer, and maybe repeating a word too often. Rather is used alot in one paragraph. I'd gladly get the line but my time is limited on the comp. Otherwise though it sounds VERY interesting and I'd like to read more =D




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This is a good idea, but there are a few easily fixable errors. Infodumps, as others have mentioned, shouldn't be used. A few grammatical errors, and some punctuation problems, need some tending to as well. Also, I think this whole chapter should be lengthened. You go through a few weeks pretty quickly for just a few paragraphs. I do this myself on occasion, because I just want to get to the exciting stuff, but it ends up seeming very rushed and unrealistic. Also, some of your characters seem kind of cliched. Phoebe, for example, being a blond beauty but also vain and really girly is kind of cliched. You can work around this by adding some different characteristics to her, but if you keep her the same, people will find her character superficial. i think this is a great plot, and keep writing!
"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

-Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring, J. R. R. Tolkien



One of the things I love about YWS is the quote generator. For example, I'm reading a really serious work, and then I see "Moo. - cow" at the bottom of the page.
— Darlet