The One

It’s strange that first time you feel something close to love. It doesn’t happen straight away and it isn’t love until you’ve acted in it’s grave play. You are sitting next to that person who you thought was just a flight of fancy, then without warning you worry about what to say next. You crack a joke. It isn’t funny and the pitying small, or sympathy, laugh only serves to embarrass.
Every day you don’t see them causes a hole in your life, you know that it is stupid, almost weird but you can’t help it. This person through no fault of their own has taken away your freedom; you are tied to them and can do nothing about it. The difference between love and a crush is that eventually that tie is not a weight, something to wish away it is a part of you as important as your heart.
You can remember the past times when you thought you wanted someone, something and you realise that that was nothing close to this. This is it. This is everything. Did they laugh? Did they? Was it real or feigned? Did they notice you looking that stolen glance at their body, the way there profile seems so unique and perfect.
It’s ridiculous. How can you be this dependent on another without them knowing or do they know? They did notice you looking as they bent down and you felt so bad about having to look. Almost as if you should be ashamed of what you do and you should, you have no right. You just can’t help it. So they know, they definitely know, oh god you hope they don’t. It would be so mortifying if everyone knew and you didn’t realise.
What if. If they, oh this would be so good, if they don’t mind. What if in fact they want something to happen as well? If they’ve noticed and want you to make a move, then do it, do it now. But then why wouldn’t they have done something?
Maybe, maybe they feel the same about you, exactly the same, they’ve been staring so much in the same way that they haven’t noticed you looking or can’t quite believe you would feel the same way. Your musings are broken as someone claps there hand down on the table in front of you, you chance one more glance and see them smile. You notice exactly how their lips turn, slowly into a slightly confused smile. So beautiful.

Three weeks later you see them. They say hello. You don’t notice.

Your love has just gone into you lesson and the seat beside them is empty.

It’s strange that first time you feel something close to love. It doesn’t happen straight away and it isn’t love until you’ve acted in it[s]’[/s]s grave play I like this idea, of love being like a play. You are sitting next to that person who you thought was just a fight of fancy fight, or flight? Either way, I've never heard this phrase. You sure about second person? Can get a bit awkward, and suddenly you worry about what to say next[s],[/s] [s]y[/s]Y[/b]ou crack a joke[s],[/s] and it isn’t funny [s]and the[/s], The pitying small or sympathy laugh only serves to embarrass.

Every day you don’t see them causes a hole in your life, you know that it is stupid, almost weird but you can’t help it. This person through no fault of their own has taken away your freedom; you are tied to them and can do nothing about it. The difference between love and a crush is that eventually that tie is not a weight, something to wish away but a thing that you cannot live without.

Suddenly you've used that word before. It's grating at the best of times, but twice! you remember the past times when you thought you wanted someone, something and you realise that that was nothing close to this, this is it, this is everything. Did they laugh, did they, was it real or feigned, did they notice you looking that stolen glance at their body, the way the[s]re[/s]ir[/b] face curves. Be wary of cliche

It’s ridicules ridiculous, new sentence how can you be this dependent on another without them knowing or do they know[s].[/s]? They did notice you looking as they bent down and you felt so bad about having to look. Almost as if you should be ashamed of what you do and you should, you have no right. You just can’t help it. So they know, they definitely know, oh god you hope they don’t. It would be so mortifying if everyone knew and you didn’t realise.

What if. If they, oh this would be so good, if they don’t mind. What if in fact they want something to happen as well? If they’ve noticed and want you to make a move, then do it, do it now. But then why wouldn’t they have done something?

Maybe, maybe they feel the same about you, exactly the same, they’ve been staring so much in the same way that they haven’t noticed you looking or can’t quite believe you would feel the same way. You musings are broken as someone claps there hand down on the table in front of you, you chance one more glance and see them smile. You notice exactly how there lips turn, slowly into a slightly confused smile, So beautiful.


Three weeks later you see them, and they say hello, you don’t notice. Your love has just gone into you lesson and no–one is sitting next to them yet.

OK, this started out pretty bittersweet. But I'm afraid it got long-winded, repetitive, cliched. The persistent use of 'you' didn't help --- 2nd person is very hard to master. I feel this was not edited enough, too first-drafty to be good. More like a rant than anything.
In fact, I would say this is not fiction at all, but non-fiction. Couldn't you transfer it there?

Lauren

This piece perfectly depicts the confusion attached to love. All in all, I thouroghly enjoyed the piece, but I do have some critiques.

You are sitting next to that person who you thought was just a fight of fancy, suddenly you worry about what to say next, you crack a joke, it isn’t funny and the pitying small or sympathy laugh only serves to embarrass.

This sentence is quite wordy. I suggest you split it into two or three sentences.

Example: You are sitting next to that person who you thought was just a fight of fancy and suddenly you worry about what to say next. You crack a joke. It isn’t funny and the pitying small or sympathy laugh only serves to embarrass.

The difference between love and a crush is that eventually that tie is not a weight, something to wish away but a thing that you cannot live without.

I really liked this. Try rewriting though to make it more clear.

Suddenly you remember the past times when you thought you wanted someone, something and you realise that that was nothing close to this, this is it, this is everything.

A very powerful statement. My only suggestion is that you split it into two to three sentences.

Did they laugh, did they, was it real or feigned,

This would have a better effect if it was made into a question.

Example: Did they laugh? Well did they? Was it real or feigned?

Maybe, maybe they feel the same about you, exactly the same, they’ve been staring so much in the same way that they haven’t noticed you looking or can’t quite believe you would feel the same way.

Take out the comma after "the same" and add a period.

You musings are broken as

"Your" instead of "You"

You notice exactly how there lips turn, slowly into a slightly confused smile, So beautiful.

"there" should be "their" (pronoun)

Your love has just gone into you lesson and no–one is sitting next to them yet.

This is a very confusing end sentence. I suggest that you rewrite it so that it is easier to understand.


Main Note: Be careful of run on sentences.



Very good piece. All that you've said is quite true, and therefore, can relate to almost any one. That is very important in fiction.

I look forward to reading the rest of your work.

PM me with any questions. I'd love to help.

Thanks a lot, i've mademost of the changes you've suggested and take on bored, with shame, the criticism that is was first drafty, I have a poor eye for mistakes without having time between a piece. I did not think it belonged in non-fiction because it is written from a characters perspective, it may not have a story but it supposed to represent the ludicrous feelings many of us get. If this is not clear than it is a failing of the piece and please tell me. Also the last sentence is supposed to show, i hope with a wry smile, that we move on quite quickly. If it does not in it's slightly changed form then tell me and i will rework it.
Thank You for the Critiques