song for society

my heart is racing
my body tense
I'm still pacing
my mind in a fence

not allowed to think freely
as the world has said
watch out when you speak to me
because you may end up dead

I'm still pacing
trying to understand
why just a colored race
can make a monster of a man

blood,sweat, and tears
all run down my face
as I try to make sense
of the whole human race

all the words and weapons
have ruined many people
look at all the orphans
do you think we should feed them?

not so much as a passing glance
as you pass the homeless man
he's a shame to society
but he doesn't understand
what he did wrong
to become the wrong man

kids having sex
and doing drugs
kids walk around
and call themselves thugs

then they turn to me
peer pressure like a gun
telling me to smoke this weed
or my life is done

that's what I see
when I watch TV
or walk down the street
and if i want that to change
its up to just me
in this unnamed song
for society.

^_^ Hello, Lexi! I /really/ like this poem. I appreciate the way you change up the form sometimes, too! It sort of adds to the ever-changing mosaic of what is society. ;D

watch out when you speak to me
because you may end up dead

Here, to preserve the rhythm, I really think you should take out 'because'. ^_^ It adds too many syllables and throws everything off PLUS you don't need it to get the same message across. C:

all the words and weapons
have ruined many people

Ecccck, I feel like you stuck 'many' in there just to get enough syllables, when it really throws off the tone of the whole poem and is completely unnecessary right now! Maybe 'innocent'? If you say it fast enough, it fits? xD I dunno, just not 'many'! It's so bland. :C

Anyways, I love it! ^_^ It covers a lot of the problems in today's society, from the perspective of a younger person. High five! C:

Good work~

-Hannah-

hey,
ok so this is a really great poem, but im not quite sure it would work too well as lyrics. the entire i was reading it, i couldn't really think of a beat or tune that would go with it. try revising it.
good luck-
Brenner