Young Writers Society


Chapter One; Stranger at the Door (edited)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 6
Chapter One;
Stranger at the Door

I sat in the back seat of a big yellow bus, my hands where in silver cuffs and my twin brother, Lucan, was in cuffs in the front. 'This wasn't supposed to happen,' I thought starring at the silver cuffs. I looked out the window, now we where driving through a forest. You may be asking why me, Gwena "Good Girl" Dare, ended up hand cuffed in the back of a bus. Well it started several months ago...
I had been walking home from school, after stopping at the library to pick up several books. My mom had told me to be home before my kid brother so I could baby-sit him. My twin got off easy, he had soccer practice, so I was the one stuck watching him. I turned into my driveway, the gate into the back yard was open so I figured that Charlie had come home early. I walked into the kicten. I saw his backpack and jacket hanging from a kicten chair, and a plate with a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it. A glass of milk was

"Charles Alexander Dare!" I said putting the sandwich in the trash and then the plate, milk and cup into the sink.

"What Gwena?" he replied walking in the kicten.

"When did you get home?" I asked, I didn't even want to tell him again not to leave food out. He always left it out, Charlie was a really intelligent kid he just very messy.

"About thirty minutes ago. Where have you been?"

"Library. Have you finished your homework?"

"Duh!"

"Figures," I whispered, opening a can of soda and closing the fridge, "want to keep me company while I finish mine?"

"Sure,"

Our House was several stories high and had many rooms, you could get lost in it if you hadn't lived in it your entire life. Charles and I choose to go to our families library, so I could finish my homework and Charles could read. Now you may be asking 'Why did you go to the public library when you could have just gone to your families'?' Well there's a really good answer to that, most the books in our families library are old books that where written before 1950. The rest of them where history books, although some where instersting I have only read the non-history books, and a few of the history books.

Charles chose a book that I had read several years before and I sat at one of the many tables. And we stayed in the silent room for about a hour. When the door bell echoed through the house.

"Charles, is someone supposed to come here today?" I asked, no one ever rang the doorbell at this time on a Friday, or all weekend for that matter.

"Not that I know of. It's probably just Luke, He always leaves his key's at home,"

"Either way your coming with," I hated answering the door, alone; unless mom was home. Charles closed his book and placed it on the desk, and I got up putting my pencil in the spine of my notebook before we left. As we walked down the stairs to the Foyer I looked through the glass.

"That's definitely not Luke," I whispered. The person at the door rang the doorbell again, and I opened the door. Two men dressed like The Men in Black where staining in the doorway, along with a third who looked familiar - I'd seen thous big blue eye's somewhere before.

"Hello, we're looking for Gwenevere Faye Dare and Charles Alexander Dare," said the man in the middle.

"Yes," I replied, "I'm Gwenevere,"

"You need to come with us," the two men on either side of the middle man took Charles and my arm's. "Don't say a thing, or you'll regret it,"
away




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6090
Reviews 1258
This is quite cool, but it does need a little work.

'My twin got off easy,'

Perhaps my brother? All the sets of twins I know say 'brother' or 'sister'.

'Our House was several stories high and had many rooms, you could get lost in it if you hadn't lived in it your entire life. Charles and I choose to go to our families library, so I could finish my homework and Charles could read. Now you may be asking 'Why did you go to the public library when you could have just gone to your families'?' Well there's a really good answer to that, most the books in our families library are old books that where written before 1950. The rest of them where history books, although some where instersting I have only read the non-history books, and a few of the history books. '

This is mucho confusing. It rambles on and on...you need to cut down on your phrases to something like this: 'Our house had serveral floors and many rooms, and you could get lost very easily. [You can get lost anywhere if you haven't lived there before] Charles and I chose to go to our family's library so I could finish my homework and he could read. [new paragraph]

Most of the books in our library are old books and history books, although some were interesting I've only read a few of them. [Your last sentence rambles on and on. If you have to make up clunky phrases to describe something, you're probably going to have to revise your sentences a lot later on.]'

The ending is very cool...DUN DUN DUN...hehe.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 685
This whole starting at the ending very rarely works. In my personal opinion, they are always very cheesie. Besides, how can we ask a question like when we know nothing about the character? Start at the beginning. When you've gotten used to writing stories with a linear time-line, as in no flashbacks, then you can try going non-linear.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 187
OK. It was good. The length was good. It wasn't to long or to short. I liked it a lot.

Some of it was confusing though.

Some parts were messed up and there were typos. But, like usual, who darn cares about typos.

That's about it. Don't give up.

-- M.B.Author
Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
may be wise for the rest of your life
-- Proverbs 19:20



Stay gold, Ponyboy.
— S.E. Hinton