All Flesh Fades

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This story stangely touched me.

I cannot truly review it, even though I believe there are some grammatical errors.

Incredible work. My only suggestion is to try simplify some of your sentences or split them into two sentences instead of one.

In the beginning it is a bit confusing. If possible, try to make it more clear.

My mother is watching me with witch eyes, like fire, like coal, like the sheen of dew on spring grass, even though her mouth is slack and her teeth are gone and there’s coarse grey stubble on her chin.

This part especially is confusing. Try rewriting it.

It’s eleven-something, I’m vaguely aware of, like I’m vaguely aware that it’s a blazing heatwave today, no damp, and my kids are at the beach with my husband, and the dogs outside are lying on the pavements, tongues lolling out, panting with it all.

Run on sentence. . . .Try to make this into two or more sentences.


Over all, good work. I really liked it, but I think that there is some editing to be done.

PM me with any questions. I look forward to reading more of your work. :]

[quote="lhighton"]All Flesh Fades

It’s eleven-something, I’m vaguely aware of, like I’m vaguely aware that it’s a blazing heatwave today, no damp, and my kids are at the beach with my husband, and the dogs outside are lying on the pavements, tongues lolling out, panting with it all.

I have to say, just to be annoying, that I like the run-on sentence...it's all related. Once, I did a sentence that was a whole paragraph. I think it adds ot the effect.

However, I think, I'm not sure it was deliberate, but I think you shouldn't use "there's no air in here" twice.[quote]

There’s no air in here, so it’s searing,

There’s no air in here, so the smell of her commode is heady and pungent,

However, the rest of it was just stunning and I really really really loved it