This Town Doesn't Have Sidewalks

We walk on the narrow curb,
Holding our arms out for balance,
Because this town doesn't have sidewalks.
We look like little kids
Imitating airplanes.
The sun is our compass;
Somehow you know which way to go.
And I follow you,
Always so trusting,
Because after all:
Don't you have all the answers?
Then you turn around and smile,
And the wind chases in your hair,
And the shadows play hide and seek
Across your face.
There are secrets in your eyes,
And I want to know them all.
Then we sit down in the grass
With the sun wrapped around us.
We are angels,
Bright and happy
For a change.
We trace poetry into the dirt,
Your hands twisting around the blades of grass
Gently,
Not tugging them out like I do.
And the only thought
That runs through my mind is:
Why are you so much better than me?
The hyacinths and the daffodils
Whisper their jokes to us.
Are we the only ones who can hear?
While the rest of the world is so serious
You're the only one
I'd want to be a child with again.

'Kay so, bad stuff first (because y'know I'm just pessimistic like that )

Explosive_Pen wrote:We walk on the little curb, Little is an icky word twin. Use something else, like narrow maybe?
Holding our arms out for balance,
Because this town doesn't have sidewalks.
We look like little kids
Imitating airplanes.
The sun is our compass;
Somehow
You know which way to go. Putting somehow on a different line throws the rhythm off a little...
And I follow you,
Always so trusting,
Because after all:
Don't you have all the answers?
Then you turn around and smile,
And the wind chases in your hair, I don't like the way this is phrased...the wind chases??, but I'm not sure how to rephrase it...Just play around with it...
And the shadows play hide and seek
Across your face.
And there are secrets in your eyes,
But they are kind secrets
And I want to know them all. The last three lines annoy me, like a LOT...They seem really repetitive...Ditch the one about kind secrets maybe? I mean, he can't be PERFECT, so y'know...
Then we sit down in the grass
With the sun wrapped around us.
We are angels,
Bright and happy
For a change. Rhythm's a bit off here
We trace poetry into the dirt,
Your hands twisting around the blades of grass
Gently,
Not tugging them out like I do. TWiN RHYTHM!!!!!
And the only thought
That runs through my mind is:
Why is he so much better than me?
The hyacinths and the daffodils
Whisper their jokes to us.
Are we the only ones who can hear?
While the rest of the world is so serious
You're the only one
I'd want to be a child with again.

'Kay so last negative comment :
I'm not a big fan of the title, try to make it a little more interesting...

Onto the compliments!
I absolutely adore the mood in this, it makes you feel like you're really there.
Nice theme, it's really unique and pulls you in...
Descriptions are really good too (Love the line about hands twisting blades of grass)
It's a nice poem overall...

Random comments that only I would say
1) You're angels, pshhhhht I'd rather be the devil...
2) They're all kind secrets? Somehow, twin, I doubt it...
3) God, I want to be a child again....
4) Twin, why are you so good at writing??? It isn't fair!!!! 'Cept for your issues with rhythm, which you clearly have a lot of...
5) This has nothing to do with anything, but we really have to write the Beth flashback in Ch.1 of LLC
6) YAY!!! First review!!! I feel special now!

<3 ya
Jumelle

Love ya Twin! I'll definitely work on this, when I'm feeling less lazy.

Hiya Pen!

The sun is our compass;
Somehow
You know which way to go.

I'm confused as to which lines go with what here. The semicolon is what confuses me, mostly. Maybe make it a full stop?

That runs through my mind is:
Why is he so much better than me?

I prefer this without the "he." Since you keep referring to this person as "you" one can imagine it as anybody; by putting it as "he" you lose some of the ephemeral qualities of the poem.

Overall- I really liked this poem. It's got such a spirit to it that you really feel happy reading it.

The one little comment I have is the title. I'm having a hard time placing it with the poem, even though it is a line of it. But, that might be just me.

If you have any questions, drop me a line.

~Rosey

I don't feel like being very negative tonight, so, yeah.

First things first. I LOVELOVELOVE the mood. It reminds me of the last few days of school, when we were all allowed outside and stuff. ^-^

There's something wrong with "but they are kind secrets" (line 18) but I can't quite put a finger on what it is. Maybe change the word kind to a better word?

Interesting concept. I love the way you described things and make them into metaphors and similes. This poem was very imaginative. It had great voice. My one suggestion is of this: maybe change the title, make it shorter possibly. I love the creativity and depth you put into your work.

Evi here! I was immediately drawn in by the title; either you changed it since the last reviews, or everyone else is crazy. 'This town Doesn't Have Sidewalks'? Brilliant! I love it!

So, since I believe everyone else has covered the nit-picks, I shall get right onto the depth of this poem.

I've got to be honest- at first, I was positive that the poem would end in the 'you' of the poem being run over by a car. You know, there are no sidewalks to walk of, so they had to walk on the street or the curb, and then he turned around...yeah, that's what I was expecting. That said! I'm glad you didn't go that route. It would have been way too easy to fall into that option of depression, and there aren't enough happy-hearted poems anymore! So! Keep it how it is.

Ah, I found a nitpick, actually! So terribly sorry.

[s]Then[/s] we sit down in the grass

'Then' is such a filler, empty, unnecessary word, don't you agree? Beginning with 'we' would fix this immediately!

So!

For a change.

I hate to say it, but sticking this in there gives us the idea that things aren't all happy-dippidy-doo-da, you see? So, you either can consider deleting this line completely, or adding more about other rough times. I'd lean towards the former suggestion. Just let the two be happy! Let them revel in the moment, and keep this line of underlying depression out of your readers heads.

My favorite line:

We trace poetry into the dirt,

Eek! Sorry, I'm going out of order, but I found this...

Why are you so much better than me?

Again, this disrupts the happy-flow you've established. I love it if you would just change this to something that doesn't ooze envy as much...perhaps, 'Why are you so wonderfu/glorious/beautiful/lovely/any other adjective you'd like to stick in there.

These are just suggestions to keep the happy-vibes, you see. I'd love this poem even more if it could be just a no-problems-in-the-world poem, and these few lines make that harder. However, if you'd like to keep the air of difficulties in the background, that would be absolutely fine.

Hope this was helpful!

~Evi

Hey There!

First off, this makes beautiful images in my mind it practically smells like summer. The feeling of the poem is aweseome, the rhythm needs a little work, and some of the phrases are a little hard.

We walk on the narrow curb,

Holding our arms out for balance,

Because this town doesn't have sidewalks.

I absulutelly love "this town doesn't have sidwalks" its so tempting to read. It sounds like something from a cowboy song, but that is why it doesn't fit in. It doesn't really fit into this poem, however it is a really aweseome line.

And I follow you,

Always so trusting,

Because after all:

Don't you have all the answers?

Then you turn around and smile,

And the wind chases in your hair,

And the shadows play hide and seek

You have a hard time beginning a different thought. Try to refrain from using "Then" and "And" and in some cases "Because". It sounds better if you say

"You turn and smile,
With the wind chasing through your hair,
The shadows playing hide and seek."

Across your face.

There are secrets in your eyes,

And I want to know them all.

Again, the "and" disrupts the rhythm

We trace poetry into the dirt,

I love it, absulutely beautiful

The hyacinths and the daffodils

Whisper their jokes to us.

I would change "jokes" to something else. "jokes" make it sound ammature.

Are we the only ones who can hear?

While the rest of the world is so serious

You're the only one

I'd want to be a child with again.

I like the last 4 lines. Its a very good ending. The only problem is that I had to re-read "I'd want to be a child with again." Its very good once you understand it, but its not very pretty to look at. I'm not saying its not a beatious theme, but its not appatizing to the eye.

Overall, awesome. I hope I wasn't too hard on you Your grammar is really good, which makes it nice. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

CF

How are you only thirteen?! I glanced at your age, thinking that you'd be twenty or something! I absolutely adored this.

I think this slightly ruins the rhyme and rhythmn:

And the shadows play hide and seek

Across your face.

The accross you face.

Couldn't you just put:

And, accross your face, the shadows play hide and seek.

No, that probably doesn't work. I'm no good at poetry.

Well, Ms. Penn, I have some news for you: this was EXPLOSIVE!

I'm not sure if words can express how much I loved this piece. The intonation was top-notch amazing. It made me want to be a child again. The poem seemed so innocent and pure: very similar to reading through the eyes of a child. You were able to capture the concept perfectly. Bravo!

You have a true gift. The way you are able to pull the reader in is what's really "explosive". You are able to draw the reader in somehow. Maybe it's the word choice or the structure, but you demand the full attention of the reader.

Overall, fabulous. I wish that I was blessed with at least a tenth of your writing ability. Then maybe I could write something decent for a change.

PM me with any questions. I loved it! GOLDEN STAR

-dd9

I really like the italicized questions, they seem like they were meant to be the forefront of this piece and it's good because that is how they come off. It's how every bold or italicized or differentiated part of a piece becomes the forefront. Good job if that is what you meant to do.

Explosive_Pen wrote:We are angels,
Bright and happy
For a change.

I think at this point in the poem and further down things became a bit shaky and everything could have been structured a little bit better. It doesn't seem like you were going for an abstract, innovative format and everything below here is either out of scheme or just doesn't really fit in - or at least I can't see it fitting in. I'm not really talking about the words at this point, I'm just talking about the formatting.

Altogether, I did enjoy this.

The tender, childlike tone is very refreshing. However, throughout the poem, it seems like both the narrator and the companion are sharing everything, and the line

"Why are you so much better than me?"

seems to create a rift in that feeling. The devotion of the narrator for the other character is readily apparent.

Hi, Explosive_Pen.

Your poem is very nostalgic and dynamic in its own special way. I like it. *smiles*

My comments are in bold:

We walk on the narrow curb,
Holding our arms out for balance,
Because this town doesn't have sidewalks.
We look like little kids
Imitating airplanes. Brilliant simile! Reminds me of the game we used to play at primary school with those tag bands that you could snap together and make a noisy sound. *grins*
The sun is our compass; For some reason, I think that a simple comma would do here. It would also reflect the simplicity of childhood.
And somehow you know which way to go. Replace full stop with comma to continue the flow of memories.
And I follow you,
Always so trusting,
Because after all: Same here, remove the colon.
Don't you have all the answers?
Then you turn around and smile,
And the wind chases [s]in[/s] your hair, remove comma for the flow.
And the shadows play hide and seek
Across your face.
There are secrets in your eyes, remove comma again
And I want to know them all.
[s]Then[/s] we sit down in the grass I crossed out the "then" because without it, the action feels more immediate, like the persona remembers the events like yesterday.
With the sun wrapped around us.
We are angels,
Bright and happy
[s]For a change. [/s] This sentence somehow sticks out a bit, so I crossed it out.
We trace poetry into the dirt,
Your hands twisting around the blades of grass
Gently, I think that gently should be at the end of "grass". This is because the sudden enjambament of "gently" isn't gentle at all. The structure should reflect the meaning of the words.
Not tugging them out like I do.
And the only thought
That runs through my mind is: same again for the colon.
Why are you so much better than me?
The hyacinths and the daffodils
Whisper their jokes to us. maybe replace the word "jokes" with something more serious?
Are we the only ones who can hear?
While the rest of the world is so serious
You're the only one
I'd want to be a child with again. Very good ending which sums up the persona's feelings.

All in all, I truly do like this poem very much, and for that, you get a gold star for this fantastic work! I only hope I haven't been too critical.

Best wishes in your writing!

~ timeless

wow.

i'm a little taken aback at how much this poem struck a chord with me.. the theme hit home. Stunning: in a literal sense, not just as the overused, throwaway adjective it has become

The imagery is beautiful. Again - literally.

I missed a heartbeat on the last line, but then I kind of see that it conflicts with your two lines in itallics, particularly the first. ' appears to be sarcastic... and it doesn't fit the mood. The underlying darkness in here I do really love... but the sarcasm kinda adds a bitterness to it... where I think ur looking to achieve some sort of 'accepting but hurt' melancholy. So yeah the line itself is heartbreaking with its voracity, but not in the context of this poem. The other italliced line is fine though, it threatens the stability of the piece, and instability is always good in poetry.

I think this would benefit from combining some of the lines... I think the breaks are too abrupt, where the mood calls for a more of a gentle, flowing style. Every two or three lines combined would do this I think. examples -
"Gently, not tugging them out like I do"
"They hyacinths and the daffodils whisper their jokes to us"
etc

I think you should also look at the last line. It can be improved but I can't put my finger on where. But don't mess with its simplicity, its too delicate for any 3 syllable words.

Thats about it I think..

Raw, complex, utterly gorgeous and recieving of another gold star. Nice

Brendan

I love the title.
I just love it. And I don't think that it matters that it's a little but longer then the adverage title, I can't think of anything that you could change it to... other then maybe "this town don't have sidewalks" which is exactly the same thing, just with grammer that isn't as proper. But anyway, I like the title that you have.

I actually think that the flow of the poem was just fine, if you cut down the ammount of colon's and semi colons I think it would be just a little better because then it would have the simplicity that child hood has.