Hello, First poem!

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asxz
Gender Female
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Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:15 pm
asxz says... · Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:15 pm
Alright, It's a bit long, I just want to know what you think... The tune takes a bit long to get settled in...

Can you imagine
Anything worse
Than being trapped
Inside a glass box?

Gasping for breath
But none will come
Water passes your lips
Over your body.

It’ll soon be over
You know
How to make
It stop.

But you can’t
Not yet
Your time is
running out!

A press of a button
That’s all it’ll take
Getting
Desperate now.

You shudder
As the water turns cold
Now or never
You know that.

Turning around
You see the handle
Gleaming
In the artificial light

Reaching out
You press it
The water
Stops

You breath
It’s all over
Thank god
The torture
Ends

You open the door
Freedom at last
Good gracious it’s nice
To be me again

Can you imagine
Anything worse
Than being trapped in a
Shower?

Oh, and here's another I did recently.

I'm gonna
I'm gonna
I’m gonna
I’m gonna
I will!
Someday
My friends think I’m crazy
Who would want to?
After all
Do that treacherous deed
It’s not healthy
It changes all the time
The scales go up…
Down…
Up…
With it my mood
Is there any way out?
Is there light at the end of the tunnel
For me,
Anyone like me?
Anorexics they call us
They shun us
With that name
Is there any way out?
Is there any way out?

I'm not actually anorexic, but I just had a random thought... Do you like it? These are my first peons in years, so say whatever you want.
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet
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random.thoughts
Gender Female
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Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:54 pm
random.thoughts says... · Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:54 pm
In your first poem, here are my comments on lines:

Over your body. <sounds weird
running out! <no exclamation mark
Getting < how about, “you’re getting”

Maybe it’s just me, but the ending is kind of a cop out. The whole last section, like, “what?” I don’t mind that you had them be able to breath, but a shower? The part that it is like “Is there anything worse?” Just kind of bugs me.

In your second poem, here are my comments on lines:

Do that treacherous deed < Maybe “doing” instead

The second one in general is just kind of confusing. I love the first part where you want to do something, but then the ending dribbles out there. Pretty much after “treacherous deed” you start to loose me” but I do like your last two lines in that as well!
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asxz
Gender Female
Points 9593
Reviews 216
Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:30 am
asxz says... · Mon Feb 02, 2009 12:30 am
Cool thanks, I thought that they were real bad... I just put down reandom things with no real theme... Thanks!
::XoX::KeepWriting::XoX::

GENERATION 29: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.

Writing is 3% talent and 97% not being distracted by the internet
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*DaughteroftheMoon*
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Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:45 pm
*DaughteroftheMoon* says... · Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:45 pm
Okay when you post lengthy poems like this try to post them seperate.

Shower Poem:
I tihnk the beat was off just a tad bit. I also think that you could use some punctuation to emphazise your poems. Add some commas and periods or even exclamation points. Its a bit dull without it. Also I suggest that you reconstruct some of your sentances and use some different diction. Add some imagery and metaphors to. You want to add an element of fear in this poem and to do that use stronger language. Also don't repeat yourself. In some lines you basically just restate the same sentance over and over. This perspective of the shower was a bit odd, but you can pull it off I think with some editing. So good luck and keep writing.

Anorexia:
Okay please don't repeat the same line over and over, especially that one. The first four lines of your poem is I'm gonna. And the last two lines also are repeated. It might be okay if it were longer and if it were different lines, but don't repeat that there. Also again, use some imagery, mataphors, and most importantly stronger diction! I suggest that you again add some punctuation into your poems. So keep writing.

After you edit them and if you want another critique, I'll be happy to review them for you. So good luck and I'll see you around hopefully. I don't mean to be overly harsh, I just give honest reviews. :)
~Alyss
Amor Vincit Omnia
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/I think, today,/ he thought back, /the important fact is that I don't/ need /to be better than him. He can just be a person. And I... I can just be one too./
— Adolin (Wind and Truth by Brandon Sanderson)