Positive Chapter Two (edited)

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This is edited. If you didn't read the first one you should consider it because it does give some of the plot and storyline. If you don't feel like reading it this is about a sixteen year old girl who was diagnosed with HIV. She has to resist getting back with her ex-boyfriend who gave her the disease and that is hard for her. That is pretty much only what it explains in the first one. So read on...


Finally,” I breathed as I stepped out of the hospital’s sliding doors. I had only been there for one day and yet it felt like an eternity. The wind blew through my straight red hair and I could feel my ears turning numb.

The cold Illinois air bit against my cheeks as I walked in step with my best friend Chase to his car. Being diagnosed with HIV wasn’t exactly something to be happy about but I wasn’t thinking about that. I was thinking about how great it was to be out of that bed.

We got into Chase’s car and frowned, this was my life now. I was the girl who had to prove myself to someone who didn’t deserve me, didn’t deserve my love, and now had to pay the price for it.

“You sure you’re okay?” he asked as he stuck the key into the ignition.

My smile faded. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I lied.

“You’re going to be okay, just promise me something…” he grabbed a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, took one, and lit it. I had learned to tolerate his smoking; he had been doing it for a year or so. It bothered me that he did it of course because it was illegal. I supposed he got the cigarettes from friends or something.

“What?” I asked, leaning back on the seat and squeezing my eyes closed.

“Don’t get back with Randy, that would be the worst thing you could do, he’ll only make things worse,” he said.

I thought of Randy and wondered if I could resist his sweet talk and charm. He had my heart and I was struggling to get it back.

“I-I won’t,” I stuttered.

“Of course you won’t, because I won’t let you,” He said turning into a Starbucks, “Let’s get some coffee.”


“Okay,” I replied. When we got out of the car I looked around and jammed my hands into the pockets of my sweatpants. Chase dropped his cigarette on the ground and stepped on it.

The warm air rushed over me as we stepped into Starbucks, the smell of coffee filled my nose and I found myself wanting a warm cup of coffee even more than before.

“What do you want?” Chase asked taking out his wallet.

“Just a cup of coffee,” I replied walking over to the nearest booth. I took out my phone and looked at the screen; I had two missed calls, one from my mom, and one from my friend Ashley. I ignored them; I didn’t feel like talking to anyone.

Chase sat down across from me and handed my cup of coffee. “Thanks,” I said and smiled.

“You’re welcome,” He said whipping out his Blackberry.

“Carlie,” I heard a familiar voice say. I turned around slowly and my heart started beating faster. Randy was standing there; his blonde hair was in his dark brown eyes. He smiled and all my feelings for him hit me. I glanced at Chase who pretended to be more interested in his phone except I knew he recognized Randy’s presence and was ready to defend me whenever it was required.

“Hi,” I replied weakly.

“Can I talk to you?” He asked shoving his hands in his jeans pocket.

“Sure,” I said and remained seated.

Randy glanced at Chase and then back at me. “I’m not listening,” Chase said still looking at his phone and taking a sip of the coffee.

Randy nodded reluctantly and scooted in beside me. “Are you sure you want to stay broken up?” He asked.

I swore I saw Chase roll his eyes, he had said he wasn’t listening but it was obvious he was. “I don’t know Randy, I mean, look what you did,” I said even though I really wanted to jump into his arms and kiss him.

“It isn’t my entire fault,” He said. I knew he was right, but I didn’t want to believe that I had done this to myself. Everybody thought I was so smart; things like this didn’t happen to me, I was supposed to be perfect.

“Well, I really didn’t want to sleep with you, I thought you wanted me to prove that I loved you…” I said shakily.

“Well believe what you want, but it’s your fault you got AIDS,” He sighed as he stood up.

“You didn’t tell me you had it!” I said loudly, everyone in the café stared and me, I bit my lip and my face felt hot.

He rolled his eyes. “I don’t have it,” He said confidently brushing his blonde hair out of his eyes.

“You have to have it, I wouldn’t get it if you didn’t,” I said.

He laughed, “Carlie you’re so stupid, I don’t have HIV, but believe what you want,” He was about to walk off when Chase stepped in front of him.

“You’re a dumbass,” Chase said.

“Chase, don’t,” I said but he didn’t budge. His bright blue eyes flashed with anger, he crossed his arms across his chest and smirked.

“It’s not my fault your friend is to stupid to realize that it’s her fault she got infected, I don’t have HIV she must’ve done it with someone else because she just that much of a slut,” Randy said, a strange laugh escaping his lips.

Then out of nowhere Chase punched him right in the jaw, Randy fell to the ground. Chase grabbed my hand and led me out of the café.
Last edited by mhmmcolleenx0 on Sun Feb 01, 2009 6:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."




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Hey, mhmmcolleenx0!

I'm Sakura and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^

Yeah, spell check does that to me as well. Don't worry -- all the contractions (didn't,wasn't..etc) were fine.

Onto the review!

I pulled the hood of my purple sweatshirt over my head and got into Chase’s car. “You sure seem happy for someone whose just been diagnosed with a life threatening illness,” he said as he stuck the key into the ignition.


-Is there any importance to her putting up the hood of her purple sweatshirt? If not, nix it. It's junk description.
-When Chase speaks begin a new paragraph.
-Whoa! That was really mean of Chase to say that! If you went to the hospital with your friend and you were diagnosed with HIV, do you think they would talk to you like that? Perhpas Chase should sound more understanding instead of reminding your MC that she could die.

My smile faded,


Replace the comma with a period.

Fine,” He replied taking a drag from the cigarette.


De-capitalize he.

I had learned to tolerate his smoking; he had been doing it for a year or so.


Aren't they in high school? Smoking is illegal.

It was so typical, it made me want to puke.


Get rid of the comma.

“Hey want to get some coffee,” He asked turning into a Starbucks.



Replace the comma with a question mark. De-capitalize he.

Most of the other errors I noticed after this point were all the same (mainly errors in dialogue).

About dialogue:

The "he said" part is still technically part of the sentence where the subject is talking. Therefore, the subject should be de-capitalized.

For example:

"Meep," he squeaked.

This is what you are doing:

"Meep," He squeaked.

This is incorrect.

Overall

This is good, but not much happened. I don't really see any hint of a plot. What is going to happen in the rest of your book?

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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OOOh plot thickens! Please PM when you write more I'm starting to really be drug into this !haha =D Sorry I was getting to much into it to nick pick it for critiquing LOL ill just have to read it again! Lucky me!! =D




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I really like the story idea! I can see why Chase doesn't like Randy, Randy is acting like a big huge jerk. My only thing to say is making sure the punctuation makes sense with everything. Maybe if you're unsure of a comma try writing it out somewhere else and seeing what looks best. Personally, I have trouble with comma placements but you seem to be fine so far. Maybe a little bit more detail after getting out of the hospital. Right now, it's hard to figure out the main picture even though I can imagine it.

That's all for now and I'm so interested already of what's going to happen! Keep up the good work!




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Hi you review mine all the time now its time for me to review you. Except I have this weakness for really good stories, and I end up not looking for errors. Anywhoooo I really like it, and I love how the suspense rises in the second chapter.....Well keep up the good work. :wink:
Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. ~Author Unknown



This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
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