injured teenager

I was mourning
While my soul was burning
The flame kept on shining
Till I found myself shivering

Shivering in the middle of the flame
All my life, I've noone to blame
You filthy people, you're all the same
Stop stepping on my elegant name

Maybe if I kneel
I could tell how I feel
But this isn't real
For I've nothing to reveal

Pain strikes like an arrow
Oh-so fast, you'd be dead for tomorrow
It generously shared its heavy sorrow
So that you'll die grieving in your burning burrow

I'll stop writing
For I know who's breathing
Maybe 'twas because of the shouting
That I keep my soul from fearfully hiding

Hello!

Let me be one of the first to say welcome to YWS! It's great you've joined, hope to see you around for a long time to come. Just before I begin I'd just like to do a bit of housekeeping and remind you to read the Rules and Guidelines for YWS. We do ask that people review two pieces for every piece of work they post- but it's easily resolved. Just get reviewing and we'll all be on a roll.

Now, onto this little gem. I really enjoyed reading it, the thoughts and the concepts were rich and displayed in a truthful and authentic way. You kept it simple, and by doing this you allowed the reader's thoughts to develop into something more complex. The poem made me think, but more importantly it made me see- so well done indeed.

I was mourning

Good opening line. Portrays the isolation of an adolescent well.

The flame kept on shining

Till I found myself shivering

This is an interesting bit. So a flame was burning but it made you shiver? Perhaps I am wrong, but does this display confusion and disaffection with the world? Has someone told the speaker that the flame burning inside is wrong? Ooo. Please PM me after this and tell me if I'm totally wrong. I probably am.

Punctuation does need to be taken care of in this. Sometimes, I say to heck with it. But in a poem like this, with a rhyme scheme in place- it needs some sort of continuity. So full stops, capital letters (when needed) and commas, will improve this. But it isn't a major thing. Just part of the second draft phase so that you have this all polished up and lovely.

Maybe if I kneel

I could tell how I feel

I would scrape the first line in this couplet. It makes it seem forced. But just ignore me if you disagree! I think it might look better like this

If I could tell how I feel

And then go on. Just makes it seem more natural.

This was a good stanza. The only criticism I would have is that the rhyme scheme tends to take over the speaker's attention from time to time. But practice and experience will improve this.

Pain strikes like an arrow

Oh-so fast, you'd be dead for tomorrow

It generously shared its heavy sorrow

So that you'll die grieving in your burning burrow

The finishing lines sum up the amount of emotions that are running through the speaker's head. Hurt, betrayal, fear, anxiety, loss of hope.

All in all, good job.

Keeping writing and READING, lots.

And welcome to YWS! PM me if you have any trouble.

Eimear

xxx

Ello, Sparklefairy! I'm Max and I just wanted to say welcome to YWS, it's great to have another member on here. First off, this is amazing for your first post. I think it's actually breath taking. I honestly can say, I have never read something like this before. I think you will have a fun experiance on YWS! Anyways here's my crit...


[quote="sparklefairy"]I was mourning
While my soul was burning
The flame kept on shining
Till I found myself shivering>>Hmm, this seems, different.

Shivering in the middle of the flame
All my life, I've noone to blame>> might want to edit and put no one.
You filthy people, you're all the same>>you forget to put comas, periods, semi-colons.
Stop stepping on my elegant name

Maybe if I kneel
I could tell how I feel
But this isn't real
For I've nothing to reveal>>Don't try to rhyme, just let it flow.

Pain strikes like an arrow
Oh-so fast, you'd be dead for tomorrow
It generously shared its heavy sorrow
So that you'll die grieving in your burning burrow

I'll stop writing>>this seems a bit awkward.
For I know who's breathing
Maybe 'twas because of the shouting
That I keep my soul from fearfully hiding[/quote]>>Honestly, my favorite part of them poem is the ending.
____

So what I think about your poem is that it's great. It truely is, you just need to work on putting in semi-colons, periods, commas. Anything like that and maybe review poetry. If you read others you happen to get much better. I learned that the hard way. Anyways, if you have any questions or comments, or just want to talk, go ahead and PM me .

Good luck, have fun, and keep writing.

-Max

But this isn't real

For I've nothing to reveal

This is really the only thing that sounded odd to me, having real, and then reveal... It's like not using the same word twice in one sentence, they're just too similar. To be honest, i didn't really get what it was about... An adolescent not fitting in, everyone putting them down? this was a cool poem though, great for your first submission... just polish up those reviews and keep to the 2:1 ratio!