vice

I'd love to get your comments

Vice

She wakes up and for a moment
she thinks she’s in her room
With it’s peach-coloured walls
and cozy comfort
But the blur shifts to focus and
she realizes that she isn’t
Remembers where she was before
she ended up here,
in dirty clothing, a nasty brown stain on her skirt
The sensation was always marvelous,
Wonderful indeed
The hairs on her skin would be straight
as though exposed to static electricity
Charged. She’d always felt charged.
Elated. Intoxicated. Euphoric even.
“ Don’t stop, bring it,” she’d shout
And when it did come she’d welcome it
With an avaricious longing, and wet her lips
Most nights she craved it
always making sure it was after midnight
she preferred it at night and vowed
that she’d never do it in the day
No one should know
No one would know
It was her little secret,
her little vice and she loved it!
Nothing else made her feel sure
and more of a woman than her lovely genie
in it’s translucent bottle.

I'd really like to get some comments.

Hey, how ya doing? I noticed that you didn't have any comments.

But, seriosuly, you've got to give people more than one hour to comment on your stuff. Try, like, seventy-two. We've got lives too, you know. And bumping (when you post on your own thread just to bring it to the top) isn't allowed here on YWS. We've got Greeters (those nice people whose names are in blue) that help newer users around. PM them if you need help.

And you've got to maintain the 2:1 ratio of reviews and pieces posted. For every poem, story, lyric, or anything else you post, you should have twice as many reviews. Keeps our economy thriving, you know?

Might want to take a look at the rules. There're incredibly helpful and concise. Otherwise, people will keep nagging you about bumping and the ratio.

Rant over. Sorry, just had to clarify.

To the review!

She wakes up and for a moment
she thinks she’s in her room (period here at the end)
With it’s peach-coloured walls
and cozy comfort
But the blur shifts to focus and
she realizes that she isn’t (another period. Sorry. I'm a Grammar freak.)
(She) Remembers where she was before
she ended up here,
in dirty clothing, a nasty brown stain on her skirt (period. Again.)
The sensation was always marvelous,
Wonderful indeed (period. Okay, re-read through this and make sure you have periods where the sentence ends, alright? It's just something you should do, and I'm not going to do it for you.)
The hairs on her skin would be straight
as though exposed to static electricity
Charged. She’d always felt charged. (You go from 'would be' to 'always felt'. These two are slightly different tenses. The first hints towards the future, whereas the latter indicates what has happened in the past. Rephrase one to accomodate the other.)
Elated. Intoxicated. Euphoric, even.
“ Don’t stop, bring it,” she’d shout (This confused me. You should phrase her dialogue better, I think. Something like, "Don't!" she'd shout. "Don't stop! Bring it to me!" Just to be clearer, 'kay?
And when it did come she’d welcome it
With an avaricious longing, and wet her lips
Most nights she craved it
always making sure it was after midnight
she preferred it at night and vowed
that she’d never do it in the day
No one should know
No one would know
It was her little secret,
her little vice and she loved it!
Nothing else made her feel sure
and more of a woman than her lovely genie
in it’s translucent bottle.

[b]So, I'm not quite sure what in the world this is about. A genie in a bottle? Or...something else. Your meaning needs to be a lot, I repeat, A LOT clearer. Sorry for the Caps. Those are generally prohibited. But, really, you can be ambiguous, just don't hint around subjects so much that we've no idea what you're talking about. I thought it was about a guilty nightly pleasure (you know), but the ending confused me.

This also has little poetic form. You don't use rhyming, which isn't necessary but often nice. You're lines have little rhythym, and the syllables are all different lengths and all different sounds. There are many things you can use to your advantage in poetry: rhymes, alliterations, imagery, and smooth phrases. You didn't really utilize any of these.

Now, I hope I'm not being to harsh. You obviously have talent as a writer, but this poem just doesn't make us feel anything, which is often the centerpoint of poetry. Add passion! Add crackling love! You give us a story that doesn't make sense.

So, don't let this discourage you. This should actually encourage you. There are many poem tips in the writing tutorials that can be of assistance. Check them out! And PM me if you need anything.

~Evi